How to Handle Feelings for Someone of the Same Gender

Understanding and navigating your crush

Last Updated: March 6, 2023 References Approved

A crush is something special, and you should enjoy having one! But when that crush is the same gender as you are, it can be a bit stressful instead. Does this mean you're gay? Should you tell them? What will people say? No matter the answers to these questions, know that your feelings are natural and are nothing to be ashamed of. We'll talk you through understanding and managing those feelings, and help you decide if you should confess those feelings to your crush.

Things You Should Know

Take a few deep breaths and understand that your feelings are totally normal, and even healthy.
Educate yourself on sexual orientation, and talk about your feelings with someone you trust.
Spend time around your crush and find out how they feel about LGBTQ people.
Share your feelings if you feel comfortable, and understand that you're valid and loved even if they turn you down.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Managing Your Feelings

1
Don't panic. Many people get a crush on someone of the same gender and freak out. The first thing you should do is take a deep breath. Remember that what you are feeling is totally normal. It is not wrong to have these feelings.
- Also, keep in mind that having a crush on a person of the same gender doesn't automatically mean you are gay. Sexuality is more complicated than that.^{[1]
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2
Learn about sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is more than a question of whether you are gay, pansexual, queer, straight, or bisexual. Instead of thinking of it as a set of categories that you do or do not belong to, try thinking of sexual orientation as a spectrum. You can be anywhere along that spectrum.^{[2]
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- You might, for example, feel most strongly about girls, but also like boys a little too.
- In addition, sexual orientation is not just about who you have feelings for, it's also about how you think of yourself (as, straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, or something else), and how you actually behave. It's possible, for example, to have to have feelings for both two genders, but to think of yourself as basically straight and only date people of a specific gender if that's what you want.^{[3]
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- How you think of yourself and who you choose to have relationships with are decisions for you to make. The good news about this is that you have as much time as you want to make these decisions, and it's totally okay to change your answer later if you want! You don't ever have to label yourself if you don't want to.^{[4]
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3
Respect your feelings. Regardless of what you think about these questions right now, have respect for your own feelings. They are your feelings, and they are true. There aren't rules about what you get to feel.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.}
- Some people you share your feelings with might tell you you are going through a phase. They might be right, or they might not, but in the end, that's for you to decide, not anyone else. Accept the feelings you have now. If they change later, that's fine too.^{[7]
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4
Talk to someone you trust. The feelings you are experiencing right now are probably difficult ones. You don't need to go through this alone, unless you want to. Whenever you feel comfortable doing so, find someone you love and trust to talk to about what you are experiencing.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.}
- Having people support you can make difficult feelings and decisions easier. When you're ready, find someone who you know is accepting of your identity and who you trust to keep your feelings private.
- Do this only when you're ready. You don't have to talk to anyone about this until you feel prepared.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Revealing Your Feelings

1
Spend time with your crush. Especially if you don't know your crush well, now is a good time to start spending more time around him or her. Get to know your crush better. It will help you get comfortable with this person, which will be important if you decide to share your feelings.
- Spending time around your crush may also help you sort out your own feelings. You might decide that you really only like this person as a friend. Your crush might go away after a little while. Or, it might get stronger.
- During this time, don't try to make it a date or anything like that, just hang out like you would with any of your other friends.
2
Find out how your crush feels about the LGBTQ community. Once you are comfortable enough, ask your crush some questions to see how they feel about the LGBTQ community or gay folks. Some time when the two of you are hanging out alone, ask some questions to get a sense of how they feel.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.}
- You don't have to come right out and ask "How do you feel about LGBTQ individuals?" Or "Are you gay?" Instead, you can be a little more subtle. Ask questions like "What would you do if a [gender] kissed you?" or "Have you ever had a crush on someone? Who was it? Have you ever had a crush on a [gender]?"
- If your crush reacts badly to these questions, don't keep trying. Not everyone is accepting of same-gender crushes, and if that's the case, it's time to give up. Skip on to the last step.
3
Try flirting a little. If you get the sense that your crush might feel the same as you, you can try getting a little flirty. Don't be too obvious, but flirting a little can give you a better idea if your crush might like you back.
- For instance, some time when you're hanging out alone together, make eye contact while you're talking, and lean in just a little. See how your crush reacts. If they keep eye contact with you and don't move away, this might be a good sign.^{[10]
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4
Share your feelings, if you decide it's right. If you feel confident that your crush is accepting of LGBTQ individuals, you may decide to tell them how you feel. There's no easy way to do this, and only you can decide when or if it's the right time.
- Be careful about making this decision, and if you have been given any signs that your crush might not approve, don't do it. Someone who thinks it is wrong to have these feelings might make fun of you, or tell other people about your feelings who might then be mean to you. This can hurt a lot. So be as certain as you can, especially if you don't want other people to know about your feelings.^{[11]
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- Your crush may need time to think about what you have told them. Let your crush have as much time as needed to think about what you have said.
5
Move on if your crush doesn't share your feelings. If your crush doesn't share your feelings, you will need to let it go. Having feelings for someone who will never feel the same way can be very painful, and the best thing you can do is try to move on.
- It will be up to you if you can still be friends with this person. In some cases, this works out fine. Crushes often don't last long, so you might just find that you now have a close friend that you can feel comfortable confiding in.^{[12]
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- In other cases, continuing to spend time around your crush may hurt too much or make it too hard to move on. In a case like this, you might need to spend some time apart, or even not be friends anymore.^{[13]
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Expert Q&A

Question

Is it okay to have a crush on someone of the same gender?

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.

Marissa Floro, PhD

Counseling Psychologist

Expert Answer

Absolutely! In fact, it's something you should celebrate! You're in-tune enough with your feelings that you've been able to acknowledge and identify these feelings, which is more than a lot of other people out there can say.
Question

Is it alright if I don't feel weird about liking a guy?

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.

Marissa Floro, PhD

Counseling Psychologist

Expert Answer

Totally. Romantic feelings of attraction shouldn't feel strange in a vacuum, so the gender of the person you like doesn't necessarily need to play into this. There's nothing to be afraid of, so just enjoy your crush!
Question

What if my crush doesn't like me back?

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.

Marissa Floro, PhD

Counseling Psychologist

Expert Answer

Well, you don't have to reveal a crush if you don't want to. There's nothing wrong with keeping these feelings to yourself. You can always just wait for more information before deciding to tell them. But if you do want to tell them, just recognize that it's possible the feelings won't be mutual. Don't take it too hard if this is the case and try to move on as the best possible version of yourself!

Warnings

Your crush may not be comfortable with your feelings towards them. So, before you tell them, you want to be as sure as you can that they will accept how you feel, even if they don’t feel the same way. Otherwise, you could really get hurt.

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