How to Converse With a Girl

Co-authored by Imad Jbara

Last Updated: March 3, 2023 References

Talking to a woman is a terrifying task to conquer for many men. But, when you break it down, it is really not that difficult. Having a conversation with a woman is only difficult when you get in your own head, and forget that this conversation is just like any other one you might have during a normal day.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Starting a Conversation

1
Make eye contact before approaching her. This is a great way to get her attention and make a connection before walking over. Try to catch her eye from across the room, or even as you're walking up towards her. When she sees you and makes eye contact, don't look away. Give a little smile and hold her eyes for 2-3 seconds.
- A warm smile and eye contact are the simplest and most effective form of flirting you have. They will put both of you at ease and make conversation much easier.
- This is important even if you already know the girl. A smile and eye contact puts people at ease.^{[1]
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2
Start with a simple hello, not some corny pick-up line. The best pick-up line you have is "hey." Just be yourself and say hello.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} Pick-up lines come with all sorts of pressure and memorization, and they are as likely to backfire as work. Unless you're naturally witty and can come up with something clever on the spot, just walk over and say hello.
- "Hey, how are you?"
- "Hi, can I buy you a drink?"
- "Hello. Mind if I sit here?"
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3
Introduce yourself with a smile and handshake. Say who you are and ask her name in return. Keep it calm and casual for now, no matter what you goals are (making a new friend, a date, asking a question, etc.). Girls get hit on all of the time, so don't give off a romantic vibe right off the bat unless you want to be batted away. Keep the conversation friendly and relaxed with a normal introduction.
- "It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm ______."
- "Hi, my name is _________. What's yours?"
- "I'm ______. What's your name?"
4
Ask her for a small favor. Known as the "Ben Franklin Effect," it turns out that people like you more when they do a favor for you. This weird little paradox is a great way to break the ice. You could, for example:
- Ask her to watch your bag or stuff for a moment.
- Ask her to pass the salt, napkins, etc.
- Ask her opinion to settle an argument, get directions, etc.^{[3]
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5
Walk and talk with confident, strong posture. Confidence is key, but if you don't have it you can always fake it until you make it. Exuding confidence is all about body positioning and language, so just remember these tips until they come naturally:
- Keep your shoulders back and your chin up.
- Your spine should be straight and upright at all times.
- Make eye contact when talking or listening.
- Talk slowly and clearly -- you're in no rush to get the words out.
- Sit tall, with your feet firmly planted on the ground.
- Resist jittery movements, tics, or constant movement.^{[4]
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6
Don't worry so much about failure. If you walk up to a girl and say "hey," then get rejected, you've actually lost very little. She goes her way, you go yours, and life moves on. But if she says yes, you've started a potentially lasting and wonderful relationship. Think of conversing with girls as a low-risk, high-reward situation to get over your butterflies.^{[5]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Finding Things to Say

1
Ask broad, general questions to get the ball rolling. When there is nothing to talk about and you feel lost, the best thing to do is just get a question out there. Let her do the talking, as she'll naturally gravitate towards things and topics she is comfortable with, giving you a chance to see what she is about. Some good entry topics include:
- "What do you do for a living?"
- "Are you from around here?"
- "What do you like to talk about that isn't work?"
- "What's your major/what do you want to study?"^{[6]
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2
Ask her what she likes. There is no reason to be sneaky, trying to figure out her interests on the sly. Just come right out and ask her -- "what are you interested in?" You'll open up an entire catalog of possible conversation topics. All girls are different and trying to memorize scripts or perfect lines won't work. Just let things develop organically depending on her, and your, interests.
- "What do you enjoy doing?"
- "If you could be doing anything with your life, what would it be?"
- "What would make you super happy right now?"^{[7]
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3
Don't be afraid of your own ideas and opinions. Dating is a two-way street. While you want to be a gentleman, you don't need to pander to her and play the "perfect boy" role. Be yourself, even if (especially if) you disagree with her. Good conversation requires two unique people, not a girl and a spineless mirror agreeing with her every word. Don't ever feel like you need to lie or temper your own opinion to avoid freaking her out.^{[8]
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4
Pay her an honest compliment. Compliments will get you far, but only if you really mean them. People can smell you out a mile away if you're just trying to score brownie points, so don't. If you see or hear something that you admire, let her know. True, unique compliments make everyone feel good, opening them up to further conversation. Don't be a pick-up artist, just be a nice person.
- "I have never seen eyes like yours. Those are beautiful."
- "That's a great point -- I had never thought about that like that."
- "You actually did that? No way -- that took some serious courage/brains/strength."^{[9]
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5
Talk about things you care about instead of trying to be someone you're not. Don't pretend to like a subject or be an expert if you're not into something. Talk about the things you love. If you're having fun in the conversation she will have some fun too. If you realize you don't have much to add to her favorite topics, then don't lie or worry that you have nothing in common -- just show some genuine curiosity.
- "I've never talked to a physicist before -- what drew you to the subject?"
- "I don't actually know much about hiking. Quickly: where are the top three places you've hiked?
- "I can't profess to be an expert in opera. Where should I start listening?"
6
Know that there is no "right" thing to say. Honestly, having a random guy approach you and start a conversation isn't easy either. She does not have all the answers, and she is not judging you for your every word. Having a conversation with a stranger is not like in the movies. It may be awkward or stilted at first. But that doesn't mean it is not going well! Keep asking questions, smiling, and chatting -- things will warm up.
- You always run out of things to say when you get nervous and self-conscience. Just keep the ball rolling instead of worrying about the perfect words -- anything is better than nothing.^{[10]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting to Know Her Better

1
Focus on listening, not talking, to become the best conversation partner. People, girls included, like to hear themselves talk. Most importantly, everyone wants to feel like they are being listened to. If you really want to converse with a girl, you need to be willing to listen well to everything she has to say. Some good tips include:
- Keeping eye contact as she speaks.
- Nodding along to big points or stories.
- Asking short, relevant questions every few minutes.^{[11]
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2
Make her laugh. If you can make her laugh, the conversation will last until you're out of words. Laughter brings people together, and the minute one or both of you are laughing you've made a connection worth building upon. Don't feel like you need to come prepared with jokes -- gentle ribbing and observations about the surroundings or the things she says are enough.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.}
- A little teasing is a great way to flirt. Just keep it innocent, only teasing small things and stories that don't mean much.
- You don't have to be a comedian, and cracking jokes every second can be off-putting. Just try and slide some humor in here and there.^{[13]
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3
Make a point of talking to her regularly, once a week at least. The more you talk, the deeper your connection will get. Of course you can take it too far -- there is no need to speak when you wake up and before bed every day -- but, in general, the more you talk the closer you'll get. The conversation will only get easier with practice.
- Don't feel like you always need to tell her what is up. Treat her like any other friend you want to catch up and talk to.
4
Enjoy the moments of silence; don't worry about the inevitable awkwardness. All conversation hits lulls here and there, but that is fine. Good friends and couples sit in silence all of the time. Sometimes, though is seems off, sharing a quiet moment with someone without commenting on how "awkward" it is can bring you much closer to each other.^{[14]
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5
Giver her your phone number instead of asking for hers. This is a brilliantly subtle move that takes the pressure off of her, and you. If you feel a connection as things are winding down, give her your number. Tell her that you really loved talking and that you'd be happy to do it again if she wanted. If she offers her number back, great. If not, it is in her court to call you again, letting you see how she felt after your conversation.^{[15]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do I approach a girl if I'm shy?

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.

Imad Jbara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

There are a lot of different easy ways you can start a conversation with a girl, even if you're shy. You could try a direct approach by saying something simple like, "Hi, my name's Adam." You could try the question approach where you ask something like, "Hey, do you know if there's a Starbucks somewhere around here?" Or, you could ask for her opinion on something, like "Do you think I should get this black shirt or red shirt?" The funny approach where you make a lighthearted joke is always a great option. For example, you could say something like, "Thank god I didn't wear the same skirt today—we would have been matching." Finally, there's the compliment approach. I recommend avoiding compliments about her body. Instead, you could say something like, "I love your shoes. They look great with your outfit. Are you a stylist?"
Question

How do I flirt with a girl when I'm talking to her?

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.

Imad Jbara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

You want to set your intention of flirting immediately. A lot of people will keep their conversation with a girl on a friendly basis and miss their chance. They won't use physical contact, there won't be a little bit of teasing, there won't be any playful back and forth that shows the girl you're interested in her.
Question

How do I make friends with girls as a guy?

Community Answer

Be yourself. One thing girls hate is fake people. Be kind to them, listen and be a good friend in general.

Warnings

If someone doesn't want to talk to you, or asks you for some space or time, be sure to respect their wishes. This is not a "challenge" or invitation to get creepy.

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