How to Apologize to Your Older Sister

Last Updated: January 10, 2023 References Approved

Maybe you ended up pushing your older sister over a favorite item or maybe you said some hurtful things when you were having a bad day. You may get into fights with your older sister often and be unsure how you can repair your relationship. Apologizing to your older sister may feel challenging, but you can let her know you are sorry by making a heartfelt apology and by taking actions to show her you are apologetic.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} You should also consider how you can avoid conflicts with her in the future, so you won’t end up having to apologize to her all the time.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Making a Heartfelt Apology

1
Find a quiet, private setting. Start by finding a quiet area in your house where you can address your sister in private. This may be in a room you share together or in your sister’s room. Making the apology in a private, quiet space will show your sister that you are serious about your apology and want to discuss the matter away from others.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Try to make your heartfelt apology in person, face to face. Texting or emailing an apology can seem disingenuous and may not hold as much of an emotional impact as an in-person apology.
- You should also choose a time that is most convenient for your older sister. Do not try to apologize to her when she is in a rush and on her way out or when she is hanging out with friends at home. Choose a time when she is alone and can focus on your apology.
2
Acknowledge your sister’s feelings.^{[3]
X
Research source} Begin your apology by noting that you hurt your sister and that you want to address her hurt feelings. Do not use “if” or “but” when you speak to your sister. Be honest and acknowledge that your sister is upset.^{[4]
X
Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
- For example, you may say, “I understand that your feelings may have been hurt when I read your diary without asking for your permission,” or you may say, “I realize that I made you upset when I said unkind things to you in front of your friends.”
Advertisement
3
Take responsibility for your actions. You should then be willing to admit that you acted poorly or that you were in the wrong.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} Taking responsibility for your actions will show your sister that you realize you behaved badly and want to make amends for your behavior towards her.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Avoid mentioning your sibling’s own behavior and do not try to blame your sister or make her feel bad. You are apologizing for your actions, not putting your sister on trial for her actions. Blaming her will only make her more upset.
- You may say, “I know that I acted badly when I read your diary” or “I can see now that my unkind words toward you were hurtful and unfair.” You may also say, “I was mad at you but I should not have taken my anger out on you.”
4
Use “I” statements in your apology. Make sure you own up to your actions by using “I” statements in your apology. This will show your sister that you are standing by your words and willing to acknowledge that you acted poorly towards her.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- You should say “sorry” once to your sister, with intention and feeling. Avoid saying “sorry” multiple times as it may sound hollow or empty after you say it once. Maintain eye contact with her when you make your apology. This will let her know you are serious and genuine.
- For example, you may say, “I’m sorry for what I did to you,” or “I apologize for being hurtful and unfair toward you.”
5
Give your sister time to accept your apology. Do not expect your sister to forgive you right away. She may accept your apology but still be upset at you, or she may not respond at all to your apology. Your sister may need time to process her anger and will accept your apology when she is ready.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Keep in mind your sister is not obligated to accept your apology right away, or at all. You should be respectful toward her and give her time to forgive you.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
- If your sister responds to your apology with feedback or comments about your behavior, you should listen to it without judgement. Be willing to listen to what she has to say and use this feedback to improve your behavior towards her in the future. Do not retaliate or get upset if she responds to your apology with comments or feedback.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Showing Her You Are Apologetic

1
Write her an apology letter. Sometimes it’s hard to say “I’m sorry” in person, especially if you feel you have really hurt or upset your older sister. It can also be intimidating to apologize to your older sibling, as you may look up to her as a role model. If you are nervous about apologizing to your older sister in person, you may want to write her an apology letter and give it to her to read on her own time.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- You can start the letter with “Dear Sis”, and then lay out your apology. First, you may acknowledge your sister’s feelings and then take responsibility for your actions.
- You may end the letter with a heartfelt “I’m sorry for what I did” and a note that you understand it may take your sister some time to accept your apology. You may also offer to talk in person when she is less angry and end the letter with “I love you” to let your sister know you still care for her.
2
Make her an apology poem. Another way you can show your sister you are apologetic for your behavior is to compose an apology poem. This may be a good option if you feel more comfortable expressing your emotions in a creative way and do not want to have to use the more formal letter format.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- You may title the poem, “An Apology for My Big Sister.” You may then use the free verse form to write a poem where you address your sister’s feelings and own up to your bad behavior.
- You may end the poem with a line that says, simply, “I’m sorry for what I did to you.” You may then sign and date the poem and give it to your sister so she can read it in private.
3
Give her an apology gift. You can also help to soften your sister’s anger at you by giving her a special gift as an apology. You should think of a unique gift that will show her you feel bad about how you treated her and that you want to make amends for your actions.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- For example, if you stole your older sister’s diary, you may give her the gift of a new diary with a better lock and key system. Or, if you broke your sister’s favorite item, you may try to find the same item and replace it as a gift.
- You may also want to tie an apology gift to your heartfelt apology. Telling your sister how sorry you are and then presenting her with an apology gift could end up winning her over. She may be more likely to forgive you if you offer up a gift with your apology.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Avoiding Conflicts in the Future

1
Learn some techniques to help you cope with anger. If you start to get angry about something, then it is a good idea to calm yourself down before you talk to your sister. The next time you have a problem with your sister, try taking a 15-minute break to calm down before you talk to her. Some good techniques to try include:^{[13]
X
Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source}
2
Focus on your sister’s positive qualities. Siblings tend to fight often over petty and serious issues. You may find yourself in conflict with your older sister often, even as you both get older. You can avoid conflicts with her by taking the time to focus on her positive qualities. Often, it can be easy to ignore her positive traits and qualities, and instead only focus on the negative.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- For example, maybe your sister tends to complain and nag you often about your life choices. You may try to focus on the positive aspects of her behavior, as she is likely nagging you because she is concerned about you and cares about your well-being.
- You may also try to keep in mind that though your sister nags you, she is also there to support you when you fail or when you are having a hard time. Her positive qualities may outweigh her negative qualities, especially when it comes to her treatment of you.
3
Consider your sister’s point of view. You should always try to view a situation through your sister’s eyes and avoid getting defensive.^{[15]
X
Expert Source

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.} Maybe your perspective on a situation was different than hers and this led to a conflict. Or maybe your approach to a certain issue seemed faulty from her perspective. Be willing to consider and respect her point of view, even if you may not completely agree with it.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- For example, you may feel like your sibling was always the golden child when you were younger or that she gets preferential treatment from your parents now. You could then consider your childhood through her eyes and realize how much pressure and expectation was placed on her growing up. You may be more empathetic toward her if you view the situation from her point of view.
4
Make an effort to do kind things for your sister. Try to do at least one nice thing for your sister. This could be something small, like putting toothpaste on her toothbrush in the morning or asking how her day went at school. Doing kind things for her can help her see you as a kind little sister or brother, and may help to foster a more caring and giving relationship with her. You are both then less likely to get into a conflict or a fight if you are treating each other with respect and consideration.^{[17]
X
Research source}
- Be willing to tell your sister the things you admire or appreciate about her. You may say, “I like that you have a good sense of humor, even when you are having a bad day,” or you may say, “I appreciate it when you stick up for me in front of the bullies at school.” Complimenting her on her behavior will help to create a relationship with her that is respectful and honest.

Expert Q&A

Question

What should I do if my sister doesn't accept my apology?

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.

Lena Dicken, Psy.D

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

One thing that you could do is say something along the lines of, "I understand that you're still upset with me and that I've hurt you deeply, and I just want to let you know that I want our relationship to continue, and when you are ready to talk, I'm ready to listen. And I apologize again." Just let them know that you're there and you're not going to turn your back because they haven't forgiven you yet, and you're still sorry.