How to Be a Good Big Sister

Co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Last Updated: March 5, 2023 References

Being a big sister is fun, but it is also a great responsibility. Even when you don’t realize it, your younger siblings are looking to you for guidance. You might even find that they mimic your behavior. Though it might be a lot of pressure, you can use your role to have a positive impact on your siblings’ lives. Be a good big sister to them by building a strong bond, being a positive role model, and being kind to them.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, registered dietitian, and fitness expert, Supatra Tovar, owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Check out the full interview here.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Building Your Relationship

1
Support them at important events. A big part of being a good sister is making time for your sibling and showing them that they’re important to you. If your sibling has an upcoming test or job interview, encourage them! Or perhaps they will be receiving an award soon; be sure to show up for the ceremony if you’re able.
- Give them a card or gift to show your pride in them.
- Say “Good luck today on your test” or “Congratulations on getting inducted into the honor society. I’m so proud of you.”
2
Share meals together. Every so often, get together to have dinner or lunch together. You can make it a random, spur-of-the-moment sort of thing, or you can make it a weekly/monthly tradition. Use this time to talk to one another and avoid using your phone.
- If you can Drive and they can’t, take them out for burgers or ice cream.
- If you are too young to drive, or if you don't want to, make some sandwiches together and have a picnic at the park.
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3
Go do fun activities together.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Have fun with your siblings! Go see the new action movie that you’ve both been dying to see. Or maybe you have to go prom shopping soon - consider taking them with you.
- Have a beach day, go out for a run, or go bowling.
- Have an arts and crafts day. You can try a new project together, or you can teach your sibling how to do something you excel at.
4
Share secrets with them. If your siblings are trustworthy, share secrets with them. This will help them feel more comfortable coming to you with their own secrets. Be mindful of their age and only tell them things that are appropriate based on that.^{[2]
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- For instance, if they are over age 13, it’s probably okay to tell them about your first kiss.
- Keep your siblings’ secrets too, as long as it doesn’t concern their safety or put them in danger. In that case, talk them through why they shouldn’t keep it a secret, and go with them to tell a parent, guardian, or other trusted adult.
5
Talk through any issues. Even if you are the perfect big sister, issues are bound to arise. When they do, listen to your siblings' concerns and respect your differences.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Even if they are annoying you, stay calm by taking deep breaths.^{[4]
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- You might say “It bothered me the other day when you took my shirt without asking. I don’t mind letting you borrow things, but you need to ask me first, okay?”
6
Keep in contact at least once per week if you don’t live together. Make sure to stay in touch with your siblings if you don’t live in the same home. Call them when you can, send texts throughout the week, and check in on them on important dates.
- You can even have a group text where all of you can communicate together and share memes or stories about your day.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Setting a Good Example

1
Listen to your parents. Showing respect to your parents is very important. Sometimes, your siblings will look at your attitude when determining their own. Honor all your parents’ rules, don’t talk back to them, and always show them respect.^{[5]
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- Show respect to people beyond your parents, too. Respect teachers, elders, and other authority figures.
- Keep your room clean, come home before curfew, and follow all other rules.
- Encourage your siblings to do the same, and tell them why it’s important. You could say, for example, “I know it’s annoying when Mom tells us to clean our rooms all the time, but it’s always great when it’s neat and organized. And she’s so happy when we do it!”
2
Model responsible behavior.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} If you are underage, abstain from drinking alcohol and doing drugs. Keep your social media image clean and avoid posting things that would embarrass your family.^{[7]
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- Keep your language clean. Don't swear or gossip about other people in front of your siblings. Set a good example for them.
3
Help around the house. Show your siblings the importance of contributing at home. Clean up your room, but also clean the common areas. Do the dishes, take out the trash, and cook if you can.
- Encourage them to do their chores, as well.
- If they are very young, consider turning your chores into a fun game. For example, play some upbeat music while cleaning.
4
Apologize when you’re wrong.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Even the best big sister messes up sometimes! When you do, apologize immediately. Be sincere and honest in your approach and take steps to avoid making that mistake again.^{[9]
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- Say something like “I’m sorry for teasing you about your dress, little sis. I shouldn’t have said those things. In the future, I won’t make fun of your clothes anymore.”
5
Stick up for your siblings. If you see your siblings being teased or bullied, intervene. Never let anyone talk down to them or harm them. Protect them from harm so that they will know you have their back.^{[10]
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- If you see them being bullied, say “Leave him alone! Pick on someone your own size!”
- Go get help from an authority figure if the situation becomes physical, but don’t leave your sibling alone. Call for help instead.
- You may need to stick up for them with your parents, too. For example, if you think your parents are being too harsh on your sibling, you could say, “I know Joey shouldn’t have stayed out past curfew, but I know it was an honest mistake and he wasn’t getting into trouble. Maybe you could take it a little easier on him now that he’s apologized.”
6
Speak with kindness.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Your words have a lot of power. One insult can stick to them longer than ten compliments. Even when you need to correct them, do so kindly. Speak kindly to others, as well and avoid yelling or cursing.^{[12]
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- For instance, if you catch them doing something wrong say “I noticed that you had a pack of cigarettes in your bag. You know Mom and Dad don’t want you doing that. I’m not going to tell on you, but I’m really worried about your health. If I find out you’ve been smoking again, I’m going to have to tell Mom and Dad. Do you wanna talk about this?”
7
Work hard at school or at your job. Show your siblings the value of hard work and dedication. Use your time doing things that are productive like reading, studying, and working. Pay attention in class and do your homework to get good grades. Go to work on time each day and work hard while there to reap the benefits.
- Set a good example through your own actions. You can encourage your siblings to do these things, but avoid forcing them.
8
Be honest. Even when it’s tough, always tell the truth. If your siblings see you lying to your parents, they will think lying is cool. Be a good example to them by being a truthful person.^{[13]
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- Keep in mind that the truth can be hurtful sometimes. For example, if someone is wearing an ugly dress, don't encourage your sibling to say, "That dress is ugly!"
- Giving constructive criticism is okay if someone asks for it. If someone asks how their ugly dress looks on them, encourage your sibling to say, "I don't think brown is your color. What about a blue dress to match your eyes?"

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Doing Kind Things for Your Siblings

1
Boost their self-esteem. Help your siblings love themselves and feel confident. Do this by complimenting them when they've earned it. Focus on their positive qualities instead of their mistakes.^{[14]
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- You might say “Aaron, you play the violin so well. I can tell you’ve been practicing.”
2
Encourage them when they have doubts. Even the most confident of siblings sometimes struggle with some insecurities. If your siblings are feeling down in the dumps or are worried about something, encourage them! Let them know that they can do anything they set their mind to and try to ease their fears.
- For instance, if they are worried about a test, say “Jess, I’ve seen you studying for weeks for that test. You got this! I’ll quiz you tonight if you want.”
3
Help them when they need you. When your sibling needs you, be there for them. Helping can range from small things like getting something for them from the top shelf to helping them find a part-time job if they need extra cash.
- Never hold it over their head that you did something nice for them. This makes the nice act selfish because it becomes about you rather than them.
4
Get or make them thoughtful gifts. When it's a holiday or your sibling's birthday, don't just get them something boring that could be for anyone; get them a gift that is perfect for them. Get them something that reminds you of a great time you had together in the past or things that you both enjoy doing. This will show them how much you care.^{[15]
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- For instance, you might buy them a sweater or CD that you know they’d like.
- You can also make them a piece of artwork, like a painting, or you can clean their room for them as a gift.
5
Do nice things for them when they least expect it. Show them that you care by surprising them with something nice, especially when they’re stressed or need a little extra help.
- For example, if they have a hard test coming up and a lot of chores to do, help them do their chores to free up some time to study.
- If they have a fancy event coming up, let them borrow some of your clothes.
6
Share with your siblings. You and your siblings should share whatever you can, whether it's a favorite computer game or family heirlooms. Be generous with each other, because if you can't be generous with your siblings then who will you be generous with?

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I improve my relationship with my siblings?

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

You can improve your relationship with your siblings by practicing kindness, stopping name-calling, and speaking to your siblings with respect. Do fun activities together, team up and work towards a common goal such as playing in a band. You can also bond with each other through humor such as practicing jokes or watching comedy shows together. There is an unspoken sibling code, you always have each other’s backs, never tell on them, unless they might get hurt or are in danger. Doing the above mentioned can improve your sibling relationship and increase the chance to become lifelong friends.
Question

If I'm grumpy, should I go hang out with my sister or stay away?

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

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Try explaining that you're grumpy, and telling your sister what you need to cheer up. If you want to be alone for a while, just say so! But don't make her feel like it's her fault that you're grumpy. Say something like, "I'm having a bad day and I'm not in a great mood. It's not you. I need some time to myself for awhile, but tomorrow we can do something together."
Question

How do you say sorry when you want to be sorry? My sister and I don't have a good relationship and I really want to fix that. I always feel like a bully around her.

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

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Saying you're sorry and changing your behavior to really show that you're sorry are two different things. It's great to apologize verbally, but follow it up by treating your sister better. First, do your best to stop bullying her. Use kind words, even when she lashes out at you. Do nice things for her, even when she doesn't appreciate it. It may take some time for your sister to realize that you want to fix the relationship, but it will have to start with you. When she does start to notice, your relationship will slowly begin to improve.