How to Be Nice to Your Mean Sister

Co-authored by Seth Hall

Last Updated: February 9, 2023

Do you fight with your siblings? Here are some tips Sometimes we fight with the people closest to us and sisters are no exception. It can be hard to be kind and caring if your sister is constantly teasing and being mean to you. However, by bonding with and showing kindness to your sister, you can effect change in your interactions and relationship and show kindness to her.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Showing Kindness to Your Sister

1
Write her a thoughtful card. Your sister may not know that you are looking to repair your relationship with her. Write her a card to tell her how much you love her and that you’re thankful she is your sister.
- You can either make her a card or buy one in store.
- You can also give her a card after she achieves a milestone. Maybe she got all A’s on her report card or got a new job. Let her know you’re proud of her accomplishments.
2
Buy her a gift. Buying your sister a gift is a great way to show that you care. When buying her a gift, consider her likes and dislikes. If you know she has been eyeing a pair of earrings or a certain sweater, get that for her. Also, consider her favorite color in buying gifts as well.
- You can also make her a gift. Handmade gifts can often be even more thoughtful than ones bought in stores. Check out Pinterest for cool DIY gifts.^{[1]
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- Don’t buy her a gift to bribe her into being nice, but do so to let her know you’re thinking of her and love her.
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3
Greet your sister with a smile. A smile can go a very long way in both being nice and in encouraging niceness in others. Make an effort to smile each time you see your sister for the first time in a day and say ‘hello’ to her, even if she ignores you. If she feels that you are genuinely pleased to see her, her interactions with you could change.
- You can try other gestures like leaning your head slightly to one side while she is talking to you as well to acknowledge that you are listening to her.
4
Share with your sister. You may find that you fight with your sister because she takes your things without asking or always wants to use your things. However, show kindness to her by allowing her to borrow things if she requests them.
- Exercise caution, however, if she has broken or damaged your items consistently in the past. You may only want to let her borrow things that you don’t put much value in if she is careless with your items.
- If your older sibling takes something of yours, it makes it worse to tell your parents. Try to solve the problem without your parents. If you do this, you might end up getting closer to your sibling.
- Also, if you have had problems in the past with your sister borrowing things without your permission, have a discussion with her about boundaries. You can say something like “I love you and don’t mind sharing with you, but when you take things without asking, it really bothers me. Can you ask me for permission in the future and I’ll make sure to do the same thing if I want to borrow something of yours?”
5
Invite her to spend time with your friends. If your sister is younger or if she has fewer friends, she may feel upset if you hang out with your friends without inviting her. Though you certainly deserve your own time with your friends, it wouldn’t hurt to ask her to join you occasionally. Plus, you may find that you have more in common than you think.
- Invite her to see a movie or go to the mall with you and your friends. She will likely appreciate the gesture.
6
Help her if she needs it. All people, whether they are mean or nice, need help sometimes. If you see that she is overwhelmed with something, extend an arm to help her. A thoughtful gesture like this can be a great way to show her a kindness that she likely will not forget. Helping others can also make you feel good, as well.
- Some ways that you can help her include assisting her with her homework if you know the material or helping her clean her room.
- You can also ask for help from your sibling, but if she doesn't want to, respect her wishes.
7
Let her choose what you watch on TV. Though this may seem small, many fights between siblings have erupted over the television, especially if a family only has one TV. Make an effort to allow her to pick what you watch more often or find new shows to watch together that you both enjoy.
- Compromise, as well. If you chose the show for the last 30 minutes, allow her to pick the next show or two.
8
Take her out to eat or to a movie. Food is a great way to bond and your sister will likely be very appreciative if you take her out for a meal. If you are younger or unable to take her to dinner, you can cook her something instead or make her a small snack. Watching a movie together of her choice is also a great way to show her kindness.
9
Treat her how you want to be treated. The ultimate display of kindness will occur when you show your sister the same level of love and affection that you desire to be shown. If you wish that she hugged you more, hug her instead. If you wish that she talked to you more, talk to her instead. Model the behavior that you desire to see.
10
Compliment her. Most people enjoy being complimented and often times that kindness will linger with them even after the moment is over. Think about the attributes that your sister has that are special and make it a point to let her know.
- For example, is your sister very smart or quick witted? Let her know that you think so.
- You can also compliment her by telling her that she is pretty.
- But be careful. If you say something untrue to your sister about her looks, she might dress or do the thing you told her she was good at more. You don't want to give her false information.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Bonding with Your Sister

1
Go for a walk. Getting outdoors can be a great way to clear the air and recenter your and your sister’s relationship. Invite her to walk with you around the block or at a local park. This can also provide a great opportunity for you to talk to each other and develop your bond.
2
Establish trust. If your sister has been unkind to you, the trust between you may likely be broken. Work on building the trust in your relationship.
- One way you can build trust is through sharing secrets with each other. Tell each other one thing that the other doesn’t know and make a pact to keep the secret.
- Another way to build trust is through honesty. Be honest with your sister about the ways you feel hurt by her and ask her to be honest as well. Being nice to your sister does not mean that you should lie to her.
- Keep your promises. If you tell your sister that you will do something for her, then do it. Your sister will trust you more if you are dependable and reliable.
3
Talk to her. Bonds are often developed through communication. Sit down and have a discussion with your sister about her day, school, work, her friends or any topic that you are interesting in knowing more about in relation to her. People often enjoy talking about themselves and will often open up if asked questions. This will indicate to your sister that you have an interest in her life and will bring you closer together.
- You can begin a conversation with your sister by saying something like “how was your day?”; depending upon her answer the conversation may spark from there, but if it doesn’t you can try saying something like “what was the best part about your day?”
- Consider all of the things you have in common and begin a conversation based around those. If you and your sister both love soccer, consider discussing the latest soccer game or your favorite soccer player with her.
4
Try something new together. One great way to bond with your sister is to do something the two of you have never done before. Conquering your fears together or exploring a new hobby is a great way to deepen your bond and give you new memories to share and reflect on.
- You can try something as exciting as riding a rollercoaster for the first time or something as small as binge watching a new show together. Either way, your relationship will grow.
- Other ways include cooking, exercising, taking a class together, or going dancing.
5
Play games together. Take some time to sit down with your sister to have fun. You can play a board game with her like monopoly or checkers, charades, or cards. Games are often very fun, which is important because laughter can go a long way in repairing bonds.
6
Reflect on good memories. You and your sister have undoubtedly shared some memories together, despite the times when he has been mean. Thinking about those good times will make it easier for you to be nice to her.
- Pull out those old photo albums and reflect visually on these memories. You can also pull up photos on your social media accounts.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Developing Mutual Forgiveness and Understanding

1
Consider when her meanness began. Your sister could be upset about something you have done to her in the past that perhaps you have not considered. If your sister was previously sweet to you and then she changed abruptly, think about ways that you may have offended or hurt her.
- Apologize for any wrongdoing on your part. After self reflection and an honest evaluation of your relationships, you may discover that you have done some bad in your relationship with your sister, as well. Apologize to her genuinely for any specific things that you may have done.
2
Communicate with your sister for clarity. If after significant thought about your relationship you find it difficult to identify a time that you have hurt your sister, talk to her. You may have done something to her that, while insignificant or forgettable to you, has caused her pain.
- Try using a talking stick. In some cultures, particularly within certain Native American tribes, the use of a talking stick is employed to have a constructive conversation. The general premise is that you have an item that is held when speaking and only the person holding that item can speak. Once the speaker is finished, the item is transferred and that person speaks uninterrupted while they hold the item. This is a great way to foster communication that is mutually respectful and based around purely listening.
- Use “I” statements. If your sister has hurt you, don’t resort to name calling or being accusatory. Instead of saying things like “you are mean” say “I feel hurt by what you said”. This is a way of communicating your feelings of hurt or anger while being less threatening.
3
Practice self reflection. Though it can be difficult to admit, sometimes we find that the problems that we see so clearly in others are also within ourselves. Be mindful of your interactions with you sister and consider your facial expressions, tone, and the things you say or don’t say. You may find that you have been mean to your sister as well and that small tweaks in your behavior can drastically improve your relationship.
- Do you frown when your sister is speaking? Practice slightly smiling instead.
- Perhaps you raise your voice a bit to speak to her. Practice using a calmer tone instead.
4
Talk to your parents. Your parents are the people who probably have the greatest insight into your relationship with your sister. They are likely able to provide you with advice specific to the issues in your relationship as well as information on how to correct it.
- Your parents have also certainly dealt with conflict resolution before and likely with their own siblings. See what they have done to repair or remedy their own relationships with brothers or sisters.
5
Talk to your friends who have siblings. If you have a friend with a sibling, talk to them about what they do to manage their relationship when it gets stressful or about nice things they do for their own siblings.
- If you and your sister have mutual friends, speak to them. Similar to your parents, they have a knowledge of both of you. See if they have advice on how to improve your relationship with your sister.
6
Write out your feelings. Sometimes, talking or thinking about something is not enough to provide full clarity. Take some time to journal or jot down your thoughts about your sister, good and bad, as well as your thoughts about the relationship. This can often provide you with the clarity that you need to understand how to move forward.
7
Take ten. When your sister is being mean to you, take a moment to calm yourself. Step away from the situation and count to ten to allow yourself to deescalate. Don’t allow yourself to get worked up or to say something mean or untrue out of anger.
8
Don’t judge your sister. Even after all of this kindness, your sister may be still be mean to you. Continue to love her anyway. Don’t judge her for the worst things she has done just as you don’t want to be judged similarly. Instead, practice forgiveness daily.

Warnings

Get Your Older Sister to Be Nice to You

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Deal With Big Sisters

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Be Nice to Your Little Sister

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If the situation turns physical and you sister hits you, step away immediately and get help. Tell your parents or another adult so they can intervene. You should never be hit under any circumstances.

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