What Should You Do After Your Girlfriend Lies to You?

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: March 1, 2023 References

Catching someone in a lie never feels good, especially if it’s someone you’re supposed to love and trust completely. If your girlfriend has lied to you, it can be tough to figure out what you should do next. In this article, we’ve detailed how you can confront your girlfriend about lying and what you can do to move forward in your relationship.

1

Give her a chance to come clean.

It’s always best to let her tell you about the lie on her own. Instead of confronting her or accusing her of anything, approach her gently, and give her a chance to tell you she lied. If she tells you right away, it’s a good sign—it means she felt conflicted about lying, and she probably won’t do it again in the future.^{[1]
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- You might say something like, “Hey, could we talk about where you went yesterday?” or, “I had a question about something you said earlier.”^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- People with a guilty conscience will often confess right away. However, compulsive liars will almost never confess, even if you back them into a corner.

2

Ask an innocent question related to the lie.

Give your girlfriend a chance to come clean by asking her questions. Instead of jumping right into things and making her defensive, start out by asking her something small. You don’t need to push her, but you can make her think twice about continuing to lie to you.^{[3]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} This is a good way to gently broach the subject without making her feel attacked. You could ask something like:^{[4]
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- “So what time did you go to lunch yesterday?”
- “You hung out with Amanda yesterday? How’s she doing?”
- “I hope you had fun shopping. Which stores did you go to?”

3

Confront her about the lie if she doesn’t confess.

Tell her that you know she’s lying if she doesn’t admit it. If you have proof, you can show her; otherwise, just tell her you know the truth. Try not to sound too angry, and just state it as a fact so she has a harder chance refuting it. The goal is not to fight with her or make her feel bad—you just need to explain that you know she’s not telling the truth.^{[5]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} You could say something like:^{[6]
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- “You can stop lying to me now. I already know what you did yesterday.”
- “I know that’s not true.”

4

Ask her why she felt the need to lie.

Sometimes people lie because they’re insecure about something. Although lying is never a good choice, you might be able to understand why your girlfriend did it if she had a valid reason. Ask her why she felt like she had to lie to you, then discuss why it was still wrong to lie. You might say something like:^{[7]
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- “Why did you feel you had to lie about that? Did you think I would be mad if you were hanging out with a guy by yourself?”
- “I just don’t understand why you felt that you had to lie to me. You know that you can tell me anything.”

5

Work on building trust if your relationship lacks it.

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust. If your girlfriend lied to you, you might feel like you can’t trust her anymore, which isn’t good for anyone’s relationship. You can work on rebuilding trust by asking her to communicate with you clearly and not tell you lies, even small ones.^{[8]
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- A good way to rebuild trust is to be completely honest with your partner about every little thing in your life. If your girlfriend wants you to trust her again, have her be honest about everything, like parking tickets, embarrassing moments, and details about her day that normally wouldn’t matter.^{[9]
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  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}
- Rebuilding trust also means that you’ll need to make peace with what happened. If you’re still harboring anger or resentment toward your girlfriend because of her lying, try to address that with her first to see if you can move past it.

6

Reassure her if she lied because of her past.

Sometimes, people lie because they had to in the past. Oftentimes, it’s because they dated someone who would blow up or get angry about small things. Or, she could be lying because she was cheated on in the past, which has made it hard for her to trust future partners. If that’s the case, sit down and have a talk with her about your emotions. Tell her that you aren’t who she dated in the past, and work on building trust with her to assure her.^{[10]
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- Trauma from past relationships can often be hard to work through. You might suggest that your girlfriend visits a counselor to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

7

Address jealousy issues if she lied out of fear.

Your girlfriend might have lied because she thought you’d be jealous. This is typical of people who dated someone in the past who was controlling or abusive. Even if you aren’t jealous or you wouldn’t get angry, your girlfriend might have assumed you would. If that’s true, you can talk about her past experiences and work through her fear together.^{[11]
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- For instance, she might have lied about hanging out with a guy friend because she assumed you’d be angry about it.

8

Work on building trust if she lied out of shame.

Sometimes, people lie to hide a bad habit. If your girlfriend lied about something she’s ashamed of, like smoking or drinking even after she quit, let her know that she can tell you anything, no matter what. It might help for her to hear some of your bad habits so she understands that you aren't perfect either.^{[12]
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- If this is a newer relationship, it could explain why she didn’t feel comfortable telling you the truth about something shameful. She might think you wouldn’t want to be with her if she came clean.

9

Forgive her for lying if you’d like to move forward.

It might take some time, but you can forgive her. Depending on how big the lie was, you may want to take some time for yourself to figure out if you can move past this or not. If you can, make the choice to forgive her and work on reconnecting with her in your relationship. You might need to work on your underlying issues together before you can make the choice to forgive her.^{[13]
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- Although it sounds strange, forgiveness actually can be a choice. You can make a conscious effort to forgive someone by choosing to let the past go and releasing your anger.
- Forgiveness is a very personal process, and it doesn’t have to happen right away. You can let your girlfriend know if you need some time before deciding to forgive her or not.

10

Make sure she’s not continuing to lie to you.

You can double check her story or ask for proof if you need to. Even if you’ve forgiven your girlfriend for lying, you don’t have to forget about it. If she lied about something big or put your relationship in jeopardy, feel free to double check that what she’s saying is the truth. You don’t have to go overboard or demand evidence about everything from her, but you can be a little suspicious until she earns your trust back.^{[14]
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- For instance, if she lied in the past about how much money she's spending, you might ask to see her bank statements.

11

Consider ending the relationship if she keeps lying.

Unfortunately, lying can be a deal breaker for many people. If your girlfriend continues to lie to you and you feel like you can’t trust her, it might be time to end the relationship. This is a big decision, and you don’t have to make it right away. However, you don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone that you can’t trust.^{[15]
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- Compulsive liars, or people who lie all the time, often need professional help to stop lying. If that’s the case, your girlfriend might need to see a therapist before she can stop lying to you.