How to Forgive Someone

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: February 3, 2022 References

Forgiving someone who has hurt or betrayed you is one of hardest things you'll ever do. However, learning how to forgive is necessary if you want to rebuild your relationship with someone, or forget about the past and move on with your life. By dealing with the negative emotions and confronting the person who hurt you, you can begin to move forward with your life.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Dealing with Negative Emotions

1
Realize that anger could become harmful. Forgiving someone who has done you wrong can be a bitter pill to swallow. Your first reaction is probably to hold on to your anger and blame the person who caused you pain. While this is natural, holding on to hurt and anger causes you more pain than the person your anger is directed towards. For this reason, it is necessary to forgive - not for the other person, but for yourself.^{[1]
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- Holding a grudge can spoil future relationships with other people, cause depression or resentment, and can isolate you from others.^{[2]
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  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
2
Choose to forgive. Forgiveness requires the conscious, active decision to let go of negativity and to try to move on with life. It does not come naturally or easily. Forgiveness is something you must work towards.
- Often, people claim that they "cannot" forgive the person who did them wrong. They believe that it is impossible for them to get past their feelings of hurt and betrayal. Yet, what people fail to realize is that forgiveness is a choice. When you choose to forgive people who have hurt you, the person that will benefit most from this decision is you.
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3
Release your anger. Let go of all the negative emotions you harbor towards the other person. Allow yourself to cry, hit a punching bag, go into nature and scream, or whatever provides you an outlet for all these bad feelings.^{[3]
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Research source} If not, they will fester and cause you further pain.
- Remember, you are not doing this to ease the other person's conscience or to condone his actions. You are doing it to allow yourself to heal and move forward.
4
Maintain perspective. Try to gain some perspective by taking a step back and viewing the situation from an objective point of view. Did the other person try to hurt you intentionally? Were there circumstances beyond his control? Has he attempted to apologize and make things right with you? Try to take everything into account and to calmly analyze the situation. If you can try to understand why and how the situation came about in the first place, it will be easier to forgive.
- Honestly ask yourself how often you've wronged someone and been forgiven. Remember what that felt like, and how relieved and grateful you felt when the other person forgave you. Sometimes it helps to remember that we're just as prone to hurting others.^{[4]
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  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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5
Talk to someone. Talking to someone you trust will help you process your emotions and gain an unbiased perspective. Just getting everything off your chest can help you feel like a weight has been lifted. A friend, a family member, or a therapist can lend a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on.
- While you may be tempted to talk to the person you're having trouble forgiving, wait until you are in a calm place and have completely considered your feelings. This will keep you from going off on the person and further damaging the relationship.^{[5]
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6
Find a positive way to express yourself. This will help you release destructive negative emotions and work through your issues. Try keeping a journal or writing letters, using creative methods like painting and poetry, listening to or writing music, running or dancing. Do things that help you to relieve tension and make you feel good.
- Positively dealing with your emotions will make you more aware of the issues you need to confront. This is key to recognizing and dealing with negative emotions, rather than simply ignoring them.^{[6]
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7
Look to others for inspiration. Read or listen to stories of others who have exercised forgiveness, in even more difficult circumstances than yours. They can be spiritual leaders, therapists, family members, or simply people that wrote about their experiences. These can give you hope and determination.
8
Give it time. Forgiveness does not come with the click of your fingers. It requires self-control, determination, compassion and, above all, time. It is something that can be worked towards, little by little, every day. Remember, no one comes to the end of their life and thinks "I should have stayed angry for longer." In the end, love, empathy and forgiveness are what matter the most.
- There's not an optimum window of time for forgiving someone. You may find yourself holding onto a grudge for years, then realizing that you need to come to terms with that person. Listen to your instinct.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Confronting the Person Who Hurt You

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Don't rush to any conclusions. It is important not to make any rash judgments when dealing with the person who hurt you. If you react too quickly, you may say or do something you will regret. Take some time to process what you've just learned and gather more information before acting upon it.^{[7]
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- Whether it's a partner or family member who has hurt you, don't drastically react. Think about your history with him and whether this was a once off offence or a habit. Make sure you are thinking calmly and rationally before you say something you can't take back or cut him out of your life altogether.
2
Ask to meet up with the person who hurt you. Ask to meet somewhere private. Make it clear that this doesn't necessarily mean that things will go back to normal between the two of you, but that you are willing to hear him out before moving forward. Tell him that you are willing to listen to their side of the story.
3
Listen to his side of the story. When listening to the other person's story, try to sit back and let him do the talking. Don't interrupt or contradict him. If your relationship with this person is what's at stake, the least you can do is hear him out.^{[8]
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- As clear-cut as the situation may seem to you, you should always take the opportunity to hear the other person's side of the story. You may be surprised at what you learn, and if nothing else, it will allow you to make an informed decision about what to do next.
4
Have compassion. Try to be compassionate when dealing with the person who hurt you. Put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself what you would have done in a similar situation. Would you have acted differently?^{[9]
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- Try to understand what the other person's motives or intentions were. Was he deliberately trying to hurt you? Did he have your best interests at heart? Or was he simply being careless?
5
Don't burn bridges. When speaking with the person who has hurt you, don't say or do anything you can't take back. Lashing out angrily and throwing insults and accusations at the other person may feel good at the time, but will not help the situation in the long run. It is counter-productive and may ruin your relationship for good.^{[10]
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- Stay calm when confronting the person who hurt you. Avoid accusatory phrases when addressing the other person. Instead of saying "you made me feel like..." say "I feel like..." Breathe deeply and if they say anything that provokes you, try counting to ten before responding.
6
Tell him how you feel. Once you've had time to cool down and think things through, clearly explain to him, in a calm and measured manner, how his actions have hurt you and how they have made you feel. This is vital, otherwise you will bottle up feelings of anger and resentment towards the other person, making true forgiveness impossible. Let him know how this has impacted your relationship, especially if it's a romantic one.^{[11]
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- Once you have expressed your feelings clearly and thoroughly, it is important that you move on. If you have decided to forgive this person for his actions, you cannot bring up past hurts every time you have an argument or hold it over his head.
7
Don't try to get even. When working towards forgiveness, it is important to let go of the notion of getting even or taking revenge on the person who has hurt you. Trying to get even will only result in more people getting hurt, including you. You need to be the bigger person, try to forgive and move on. Instead, work to rebuild trust and your relationship. This is especially important if the conflict is between a relative.^{[12]
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Research source} You'll want to resolve any family tension, since you'll probably be interacting with him for a long time.
- For example, if your partner has cheated on you, you will solve nothing by cheating on him in return. You will only cause more pain and resentment. Two wrongs don't make a right. Your forgiveness won't count for much if it only comes after you've had your revenge.
8
Let him know that you forgive him. If he asked for forgiveness, he'll be grateful and relieved that you can work towards rebuilding your relationship. If he didn't ask for it, at least you can get if off your chest and move forward with your life.^{[13]
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- Remember that forgiving someone does not necessarily mean that things will go back to normal between you. If you feel that he may have hurt you one too many times or you don't think you can trust him again, that's okay. Just make this clear to him as well. This may seem easier in a romantic relationship that is ending, since you most likely won't see each other very much. It's harder to do in a family situation, since you'll be encountering each other regularly.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward

1
Figure out what you want. It is important to understand that even if you forgive the person, you don't need to let him back into your life. Decide whether you want to rebuild a relationship with him or let him go. In order to this, you need to think long and hard about your relationship. Is it worth rebuilding? Is he likely to hurt you again if you let him back in?^{[14]
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- In some situations, such as an abusive relationship or a relationship where your partner has cheated multiple times, it is safer and healthier to cut the person out of your life for good. You deserve better.
2
Focus on the future. Once you have made the decision to forgive, you need to forget about the past and focus on the future. If you decide that the relationship is worth rebuilding, then you can slowly start to move forward. Let the person know that even though they hurt you, you still love him and want him in your life.^{[15]
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- If you continue to dwell on past hurts, you will never be able to truly forgive or move forward. Look on the bright side and see this situation as an opportunity to make a fresh start. It might be just what your relationship needs.
3
Rebuild trust. Once you have been hurt, it can be difficult to rebuild trust. However, it's important that you learn to trust yourself - your judgment and your ability to make well-informed decisions. Then you can work towards rebuilding trust with the other person.
- Make a commitment to be completely open and honest with one another about everything. Take it one day at a time. Trust can't be earned overnight. You need give the other person time to regain your trust.
4
Make a list of positives. Try to look on the bright side by making a list of the positive things you can take away from the experience. These might include: realizing the extent of your ability to understand and forgive, gaining valuable life lessons about trust, or having a closer relationship with the person who wronged you since you worked through your issues together.
- If you start remembering the hurt and pain the other person caused you, don't let that thinking take hold.^{[16]
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5
Remember that you did the right thing. Sometimes forgiveness will mean nothing to the person you've given it to and sometimes a relationship just can't be fixed. Even if the situation doesn't resolve itself the way you had hoped, remember that you did the right thing. To forgive is a noble action, and it's one that you won't regret.
- Remember that forgiveness is a process. Just saying that you forgive someone does not make it true. You will need to work towards it, little by little, each day. However, saying it out loud will help you to stand by your decision.