Coping with the aftermath of an affair is never easy, especially if your partner emotionally cheated on you. Unlike sexual affairs, an emotional affair involves a secret, emotionally intimate relationship, which is just as painful and devastating to uncover. Forgiving an emotionally unfaithful partner is no easy task, but it’s not out of the question, either.

Here are 12 steps you can take to forgive your partner and find the healing you need.

1

Process your thoughts and feelings.

  1. An emotional affair is a big deal, and shouldn’t be brushed under the rug. It’s great that you want to forgive your partner, but don’t suppress your own feelings to try and speed up the healing process. It’s absolutely okay and normal to feel angry, heartbroken, or even traumatized after uncovering an emotional affair.[1] In the meantime, give yourself and your partner plenty of space, and don’t rush into any heated conversations.[2]
    • You might go for a walk by yourself, or listen to relaxing music in your room while your partner is away.
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3

Confirm that the affair is over.

4

Ask your partner to explain why the affair occurred.

  1. Understanding why the affair happened can help you grow and heal. Unfortunately, pretending that the emotional affair didn’t happen isn’t going to help anyone. Instead, ask your partner if you can both have a calm, honest conversation about their infidelity. Then, discuss why the affair happened, and where things went south in your relationship. It won’t be an easy conversation, but it will provide valuable clarity and insight about what went wrong.[5]
    • During this conversation, you might ask, “Why did you feel the need to talk with someone else?” or “Is there something else going on that you want to talk about?”
    • For instance, your partner might have felt emotionally unsatisfied in the relationship, or they weren’t able to communicate what they really needed.
5

Explain how you’re feeling with “I” statements.

  1. Open, honest communication is an essential part of healing and forgiveness. Relationship experts suggest using nonjudgmental “I” statements to talk things over with your partner. During the conversation, focus on expressing yourself in an open, transparent way. Discuss something hurtful that your partner has said or done, and how that action makes you feel.[6]
    • You could say, “When you’re constantly looking at your phone, I feel hurt, because I have a need for your respect and attention.”
    • You might also say, “When you close me out of your life, I feel upset, because I have a need for emotional intimacy and communication.”
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6

Ask your partner if they're sorry.

  1. Honesty and remorse are key for moving forward. After an emotional affair, your mind may be reeling with questions, like “Why did this happen to me?” or “How am I supposed to keep going?” Before you focus on healing, ask your partner if they regret what they did. This can be a really difficult conversation to have, but it will help you start moving forward. [7]
    • You might say, “I need to know that you regret what happened” or “Are you sorry for cheating on me?”
    • If your partner doesn’t show much remorse, you could say, “I really want to move forward and heal, but I need you to cooperate with me.”
7

Take time to reflect on your conversation.

9

Rebuild trust through rigorous honesty.

  1. Trust can be earned, but it takes time, effort, and patience. In the aftermath, ask your partner to be brutally and fearlessly honest from that point on. Your partner may say some hurtful, shocking things, but it’s necessary to help you heal and grow. To truly forgive your partner, you’ll need to know everything that happened.[11]
    • Rigorous honesty can be difficult in the beginning. Your partner might try to minimize their actions, not tell the full truth, or expect forgiveness right away. In each conversation, hold your partner accountable for their words and past actions.
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Expert Q&A
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  • Question
    Why do people cheat emotionally?
    Lauren Urban, LCSW
    Lauren Urban, LCSW
    Couples Counselor
    Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.
    Lauren Urban, LCSW
    Couples Counselor
    Expert Answer

    Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

    In many cases, people cheat emotionally because their emotional needs aren't being met. This doesn't necessarily mean that their cheating is okay, or that it's your fault, just that they're looking for something to fill a void.
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About This Article

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Co-authored by:
Couples Counselor
This article was co-authored by Lauren Urban, LCSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Janice Tieperman. Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use. This article has been viewed 102,421 times.
8 votes - 88%
Co-authors: 14
Updated: December 2, 2022
Views: 102,421
Article SummaryX

Emotional cheating can be difficult to forgive since it involves emotional intimacy and bonding, which isn't as clear-cut as a sexual affair. To work towards forgiveness, try telling your partner how the affair made you feel, which will help you move on emotionally. You should also ask your partner to cut off all contact with the other person, since this will help you both move on. If you're still concerned about partner's behavior, request that they take steps to rebuild your trust, like letting you see their emails or telling you where they'll be when they go out. Once you feel ready to do so, simply tell your partner, “I forgive you.” For tips from our Counseling co-author, including how to engage a therapist to help, read on!

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