How to Catch a Cheating Girlfriend

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: March 6, 2023 References

If your relationship is on the rocks, you may suspect that your girlfriend is seeing someone else. This can be a difficult period, but how can you know if your suspicions are real, or just paranoia? It's important to look for the right kinds of signs, behave in a responsible and respectful way, and learn to talk about your relationship with your partner in an open and healthy way, rather than snooping around.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Looking for Warning Signs

1
Watch for signs she may be losing interest in you. People cheat for a variety of reasons, but it usually happens when someone is unhappy in their relationship. If you suspect your girlfriend might be seeing someone else, watch for the warning signs that your relationship may be flagging a bit.^{[1]
X
Research source} Watch to see if your girlfriend:
- Calls less frequently
- Seems distracted when you're together
- Dresses differently
- Cancels your plans regularly
- Lies to you about where she's going
2
Watch her phone and texting habits. When you are out together, does your girlfriend spend most of her time with her head buried in her phone instead of making eye contact with you? Does she seem overly preoccupied with talking to someone in particular?^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Lots of texting could be a sign of a roving eye, or just that she's texting her mom. Try to remember who she talks to is her business. If you have to, say something like, "I was hoping we could spend some time together now, not with our phones, unless there's some emergency. That ok? Is everything ok?"
- Don't try to crack past her phone password and start digging around in her personal stuff. If you feel the need to spy on your partner, your relationship is already in bad shape, and you should end it.
Advertisement
3
Watch her social networking habits. Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and other social networking and texting apps make cheating a whole lot more complicated. If you suspect your girlfriend might be cheating online, you could even open up some fake dating site accounts of your own to check and see.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- You've noticed she's posting a lot of comments on a male coworker's pictures? Don't freak out. She can post whatever she wants, on whoever's board she wants to post on. That doesn't mean she's cheating, but it does mean she might be losing some interest or engagement in your relationship.
- Never, under any circumstances, should you try to log into your girlfriend's email, Facebook page, or other password-secured information. Breaching trust because you're suspicious means you're in a bad relationship.
4
Watch for cancelled plans or strange plans. If your girlfriend starts behaving in a way that's counter to the way she usually acts, that might be cause for alarm. It's hard to say exactly what this might consist of, but keeping an eye out for anything that seems out of the ordinary for her to be doing.
- If you have plans together, and your girlfriend cancels or changes them abruptly, that might be a sign of something going on.
- If your girlfriend starts hanging out especially late with people she doesn't usually hang out with, you might want to talk about it.
5
Try to talk to her friends. If your girlfriend is having second thoughts about your relationship, or has even taken up with someone else, she'll likely want to talk about this with somebody. If you play your cards right, they'll likely feel sorry for the position she's put you in, and they might come clean.
- Don't come in with accusations, come in with upset questions. Tell her friends that you've noticed that she's seemed really distant lately, and you're not sure why. Ask them if they know anything that could help you fix the relationship.
- If they say no, that doesn't mean they're "in on it." It might just mean that your girlfriend is not cheating. Try to relax.
6
Look for warning signs in your relationship and your attitude towards it. Are you being the best partner you can be? Are you contributing to the health of the relationship in a positive way? Are you doing everything you can to make the relationship work? Are you a respectful, kind, and giving partner? It's possible that your partner is not cheating, but is feeling less enthusiastic about the relationship in general because the relationship itself is going downhill, not because there's someone else pulling her away.
7
Note whether she is paranoid about you cheating. Sometimes a person who is cheating, or wants to cheat, will project their own inclinations onto their partner.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Going Undercover

1
Glance at her phone, on the sly. Lots of cheating evidence can be found on someone's cellphone or mobile, but checking out someone else's property needs to be done carefully and tactfully to avoid crossing the line.
- If you have to look, do it "accidentally." When her phone's out, glance at it when a message comes in to see who it's from out of the corner of your eye. If there is a long string of texts from someone suspicious, you might have a good reason to talk.
- You'll break someone's trust entirely if you pick up their cellphone and start scrolling through the message history. And if you find nothing, you'll be the jerk.
2
Change your routine. If you're concerned your girlfriend might be messing around at your place when you're not around, you can change up your routine regularly, to come home at odd times when you'd usually be out.
- Have a good reason for popping in. Bring carry-out at lunch time if you usually grab lunch near your job or school. Or show up early when you're coming home, just for a surprise.^{[4]
  X
  Research source}
- If you don't live together, don't just show up at someone's door when you're not supposed to be there. That might come off creepier than anything else.
- It's important to know that catching your girlfriend in the act can be pretty traumatic. It's usually better to talk about it before you resort to Jerry Springer tactics.
3
If you don't find anything, stop looking. If your relationship is suffering and you're concerned about it, focus on evaluating it and either making it better or ending it, not on going on some kind of cheating crusade. Be bigger than that. Better yet, don't pry in the first place. If you have some issues with your partner, bring it to them first.
- Don't obsess. If you're thinking about placing pinhole cameras in places you think she is cheating on you or are contemplating closed-circuit television, you need to end this relationship now and find a healthier one.
4
Evaluate your relationship, regardless of what you find. If your girlfriend is cheating, think about why, and whether or not you want to end the relationship because of it. If your girlfriend is not cheating, think about what might have changed in your relationship that you became suspicious.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- If you were just suffering a bout of paranoia that turned out to be false, talk it out with your girlfriend and come clean. Apologize. Talk about your relationship in an open, honest, and trusting way. Work on building back the trust you might have lost.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- If your girlfriend was cheating, ask her what she wants to do, and try to decide whether or not an infidelity means the end of your relationship for you. If it's over for her, it's over regardless. If she wants to work it out, you've got to decide whether or not it's worth it.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Having the Talk

1
Remain calm. If your girlfriend cheats on you, guess what? It's not the end of the world. In fact, you should maybe take it as a good thing. If your girlfriend felt the need to cheat, that means your relationship was unfulfilling in some way, possibly broken beyond repair. Now, it can be over, and you can both stop wasting your time in a relationship that doesn't work. Stay calm, take a big breath, and try to keep a cool head.
- Leave the scene, if necessary. If you catch your girlfriend cheating, just walk away. If you find some kind of evidence, walk away. Call a friend, or a family member, and talk it out.
- The last thing you ever want to do is lash out violently or irrationally. Be the bigger person in this relationship. Stay calm and decide what you want to do.
2
Ask her if she's happy, don't ask her if she's cheating. Breaking up is hard. Your girlfriend's feelings for you might have kept her from telling you to your face, to avoid the pain of the break-up. So, really, whether or not your girlfriend is cheating, it's a bad sign that you've come to this point anyway. It's still important to Try to be objective and honest with each other.
- Ask your girlfriend big questions. What do you want from this relationship? What are you not getting from this relationship? What might I be able to change to make it work better?
- Try to be as specific as possible. You don't need the answer to a question like, "Why did you cheat on me?" or "What did you do with him?" Focus on things that matter for going forward, not looking back.
3
Ask her what she wants. Try to keep things focused on her feelings and not on the way that you feel.^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Being cheated on hurts, and you may want to express your feelings and hash it out with your partner, but take a step back and focus your energy where it will matter.
- If she's already given up on the relationship, there's little point in bearing your soul to someone who doesn't care. Walk out on her. The relationship is over, if one party has given up on it.
- If she wants to work it out, then you can talk about how you feel and decide whether or not you want to. Try to think about whether you'll be able to forgive an infidelity, or the trust barrier is broken beyond repair.
- If your suspicions were wrong, but you're having serious relationship problems, it's still important to have this talk.
4
Listen what she has to say. Even if you think you know how you feel, you might be surprised. Give your girlfriend an opportunity to talk, and really try to hear her side of the story.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} That doesn't mean you have to accept an apology, but it's still important to give her the chance to talk. You can always end the relationship.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Don't assume that you know why your girlfriend may or may not have cheated. Don't accuse or attempt to lecture your girlfriend in any way. Hear her out.
- If necessary, you can try some kind of conversational game. Set a timer on it and promise that you'll each get to express yourself, judgment free, for 15 minutes, without the other person interrupting. Stick to it.
5
Share your feelings when the time is right. If you're going to work on your relationship, you need to confront the way you were hurt by an infidelity, if one occurred. When you do that will be up to you. It's usually best to hear her side of things first, then decide whether or not you want to share your feelings, or just call it quits.
- Talk to a trusted friend about how you're feeling first. Getting some perspective on what happened can be hard by yourself. Talk about what happened, sparing any graphic details, and get some extra input.
- Many people find it difficult, if not impossible, to get past an episode of cheating. If you feel like you can't stand the thought of being with someone who has cheated on you, then don't. Break up.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I start a conversation with my girlfriend if she's cheating?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Bring it up with your girlfriend and mention that you're feeling uncomfortable or worried that she's seeing someone else. It's best to address the issue head-on so you don't have a misunderstanding.