What Should You Do When Your Boyfriend Yells at You? Know What to Say and What to Do

Co-authored by Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC and Amber Crain

Last Updated: August 17, 2022 References

Getting into an occasional fight with your boyfriend is perfectly normal. If things get so heated that he yells at you, though, that's a little more serious. It's never okay for your boyfriend to yell or act aggressively toward you. If you're looking for guidance on what to do in this situation, we're here to help. We'll start with tips on how to de-escalate a heated situation before it gets out of hand. Then, we'll walk you through how to process what happened, talk to your boyfriend about it, and move forward.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship counselor, Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC, owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. Check out the full interview here.

1

Stay calm and keep your face neutral.

Yelling back will only make the situation worse.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}^{[2]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} It can be hard to control your emotions, especially when things get heated and your boyfriend yells at you. If you need to, mentally count to 10 before you respond to him. Try to stay composed and focus on de-escalating the situation.^{[3]
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- If your boyfriend is being aggressive or cursing at you, that is absolutely not okay. You don’t deserve that kind of treatment. Try to stay calm so you can diffuse the situation and get away from him as soon as possible.^{[4]
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- It might seem like smiling at him is a good idea, but if he's already angry and not thinking clearly, it may provoke him. People with anger issues may interpret a smile as mockery. It’s safer to keep your facial expression blank.^{[5]
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2

Take a step back away from him.

Putting space between you and your guy can dial down the intensity.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} Being up in each other’s faces during a fight is an extremely intense experience, especially if your boyfriend starts yelling at you. Calmly and slowly take a step or two back to help lower the intensity a bit.^{[7]
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- If you're afraid your boyfriend might become aggressive, try to position yourself out of his reach without being too obvious about it.
- Setting boundaries is a great way to be the bigger person.^{[8]
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  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.}

3

Tell him to lower his voice.

Use a polite, respectful tone so you don’t sound confrontational. It’s not always easy, but try to keep all emotion out of your voice when you say this to him. The calmer you are, the more chance you have of calming him down, too.^{[9]
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Research source} You might say something like:
- "Jack, let's talk about this at a normal volume. We don't need to yell."
- "Would you mind lowering your voice, Eric? I’m right here."
- "I really want to solve this issue with you, but I can’t if you’re yelling at me."

4

Leave the room so he can cool down.

You can’t have a productive conversation until you’re both calm.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} It's futile to let the conversation progress beyond this point. Instead, calmly tell your boyfriend you’re going for a walk and you’ll be back in 15-20 minutes to finish the discussion.^{[11]
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Research source}^{[12]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.} You might say:
- "Darren, I hate fighting with you. Let’s take a few minutes to calm down. I need to walk the dog anyway, so I’ll go take care of that now."
- "John, I need to pick up my dry cleaning before the shop closes. I’ll be back in 15-20 minutes. Can we use that time to calm down and then circle back?"
- If you feel scared or threatened, you don’t have to go back. It’s important to get yourself out of that situation as fast as possible.
- Always set a specific time limit for timeout; that way, your boyfriend knows that you're coming back.^{[13]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2022.}

5

Remind yourself that it’s not your fault.

You don't deserve to be yelled at no matter what.^{[14]
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Research source} Being yelled at is upsetting; it's totally normal to feel hurt or shocked when it happens (especially if your boyfriend has never raised his voice at you before).^{[15]
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Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Once you’re alone and have some space to yourself, take a few deep breaths and try to relax.^{[16]
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- If you need to cry, let the tears out. It’s better to honor your emotions rather than try to repress them.

6

Take a mental step back to assess the situation.

There’s no excuse for yelling, but context does matter. If your boyfriend has never yelled at you before, it’s worth giving him the benefit of the doubt; he may be dealing with stress, grief, or pressure that you don't know about. It’s not okay to take it out on you, but it's something you can talk through together. Here are a few other things to consider before speaking to your boyfriend again:
- Is this the first time he’s yelled at you? What triggered the yelling? Is there an actual issue or did he fly off the handle for no reason?^{[17]
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- Did he call you names, make demeaning comments, or threaten you? That's verbal abuse; you don’t deserve it and you don't have to put up with it.^{[18]
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- Did he try to blame his yelling on you? This is another common tactic abusers use to manipulate their partners.^{[19]
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7

Talk to someone about what happened.

It can be helpful to get another person’s perspective. When you have strong feelings for someone, it’s easy to overlook their flaws. If you aren't sure what to make of his outburst, or if you’re concerned that he has abusive tendencies, tell a trusted friend or family member what happened. Get an honest opinion from someone you trust.^{[20]
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8

Ask your boyfriend why he lost his temper.

When he’s calm, you need to address what happened. It’s important that you get to the bottom of this issue so you can heal and move forward.^{[21]
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Research source} It helps to use “I” statements to explain how the yelling made you feel; “you” statements tend to come off as accusatory.^{[22]
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Research source} You might say something like:
- "I felt shocked and confused when you raised your voice at me earlier. You’ve never done that before. Will you talk to me about what upset you so much?"
- "I have a tough time thinking rationally when someone is yelling at me. Now that we’re both calm, please talk to me about why you’re so upset."

9

Listen to his response objectively.

Try to put yourself in his shoes and see where he’s coming from.^{[23]
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Research source} If your boyfriend has never yelled at you before, he may be feeling insecure, overwhelmed, or afraid for some reason.^{[24]
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Research source} That's worth exploring with him. If he got angry and yelled at you because he wanted control over something and he didn’t get what he wanted, that’s not acceptable.^{[25]
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Research source} For example:
- If your boyfriend got upset because you’ve been partying a lot during the week, he may be worried you’ve met someone else or scared that you'll get hurt. If you put yourself in his shoes, you can see where he's coming from.
- If your boyfriend was upset because you spend more time with your friends than with him, he's trying to control you. When you put yourself in his shoes, his feelings don’t make much sense.^{[26]
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- If he won’t admit he yelled at you or says you're overreacting, that’s gaslighting—another form of abuse. You don’t deserve that and it's not okay.^{[27]
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10

Make it clear that yelling at you is unacceptable.

Setting this clear, specific boundary is important for the future. If you feel good about moving forward as a couple after you talk about what happened, that’s great! Just be sure to explain that he crossed a line when he yelled at you. You won’t tolerate being yelled at again, so he needs to respect that boundary from now on.^{[28]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- Be clear and specific; if you’re vague when you set a boundary, he may not understand what’s at stake.^{[29]
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11

Break up with him if the behavior continues.

If he has an abusive streak, it's best to get out now. This doesn’t mean your boyfriend is a bad person. He was likely abused himself and probably needs some therapy to work through that. You can’t help him work through it or change him on your own, though. Breakups are tough, but if he can't control his temper, it’s the right thing to do for both of you (even if it hurts).^{[30]
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- If you’re committed to staying together, consider seeing a couples counselor so you can work through this issue together in a safe space.^{[31]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do you deal with your boyfriend yelling at you?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

Create a plan with him ahead of time for when tensions get high. Say something like "If you yell at me, I'm going to go to a different room so we can both calm down. Then, we'll come back later and talk."
Question

Is it healthy to leave an argument?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

Absolutely! Leaving the area might not feel comfortable or good in the moment, but it's definitely better than continuing and possibly escalating the argument to a toxic level.
Question

How do you respond when your boyfriend apologizes?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

Relationship Counselor

Expert Answer

That depends. Be careful at first and don't pick things up where you left off and don't resume whatever triggered the fight. See if you can keep things more surface level in the beginning!