8 Things to Say to Your Son's Girlfriend When They Break Up

Co-authored by Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT and Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: November 29, 2022 References

A breakup is a painful experience, and not just for the couple that is parting ways. Family members can be affected by the separation, too. If you got to know your son’s ex-girlfriend, it may feel like you're losing a family member when the relationship ends. It’s perfectly normal to want to reach out to her and express how you feel, but it's important to handle the situation with care.^{[1]
X
Research source
[v161998_b01 ]. 22 October 2021.} This article can help you keep both your son and his ex-girlfriend’s perspective in mind when reaching out to your son's ex-girlfriend. Consider talking to your son first, writing a letter, and keeping your message kind and brief to express your feelings while remaining neutral.

1

Ask your son first.

Tell him that you cared about his ex-girlfriend and want to reach out. Give your son time to think about your request, and respect his wishes (even if it means he doesn’t want you to reach out). It’s possible the split was amicable, and your son is perfectly fine with it. Keep in mind, though, that the breakup may have been painful for both of them.^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.} Your son may request that you not contact her, and that is perfectly reasonable.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Avoid pushing your son into letting you talk to his ex-girlfriend. You may not know all the details of their breakup, and it’s possible that hearing from his family may be difficult for his ex-girlfriend.
- If your son doesn't want you to talk to her, he may change his mind. Wait at least a few months and gently ask again after he has taken time to cool off. Many need a period of no contact (from anyone in the family) to recover from a breakup. ^{[4]
  X
  Research source}

2

Send her a card.

A brief best wishes card is a great option. Write out your message of kindness and support, and stick to one simple letter.^{[5]
X
Research source} This will allow your son's ex-girlfriend to receive your message while also giving her the opportunity to respond in her own time.
- To avoid any potential awkwardness, mail the card to your son's ex-girlfriend instead of delivering it yourself.

3

Give her a call.

This is a good alternative if you’d rather have a conversation. Pick a time when you are both off work or out of school and call to express your feelings. Though it may be difficult, avoid getting too emotional. Don’t call to wish that the two would get back together and avoid talking about the details of their relationship. Instead, simply wish her well and tell her how grateful you are to have met her.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- If you call a few times and she doesn’t pick up, understand that she may not want to talk. Everyone handles breakups differently, and your son’s ex-girlfriend may need space.

4

Tell her how much you appreciated meeting her.

She'll be flattered to know she made a positive impact on you. This is a great way to express your feelings from a positive perspective.^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.} Especially soon after the breakup, it may be hard for your son's ex-girlfriend to talk about the relationship. Remain as cheerful as possible and thank her for anything she ever did for your family.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- To express gratitude, try something like, "I wanted to let you know that I am so grateful to have gotten to know you. You always made family trips so much fun. Thank you for everything these past few years!"
- Thank her specifically for any gifts she gave you. For example, you could say, "Thank you for that amazing candle you got me for my birthday! I've used it so much that I'll have to get a new one soon."

5

Offer a message of kindness and healing.

Let her know that you wish her well and hope that she is doing okay.^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.} Regardless of her feelings about the breakup, your son’s ex-girlfriend will more than likely appreciate your concern. Be careful about discussing any details about the breakup in your message, though. You can wish her happiness without going into the specifics of the breakup.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Relay a kind message, such as, "I hope you have been doing well. Know that I wish you only the best!"
- Though you may find it kind to tell your son’s ex-girlfriend that he made a mistake ending the relationship, this may open up fresh wounds or make the breakup messier.

6

Express that you'll miss her.

You may have formed a close bond with your son's ex-girlfriend. It's okay to be sad that you won't see her anymore, and you're welcome to tell her that. Just make sure you keep this message brief, as you don't want to make her uncomfortable. She is likely pretty sad right now, too.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Try something like, “I hope you know how much your smile and sense of humor will be missed at the next family dinner!"

7

Stick with one brief message.

It's best to avoid reaching out repeatedly. Remaining in contact with your son's ex-girlfriend may make the two of them uncomfortable.^{[12]
X
Expert Source

Jacob Christenson, PhD, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.} It may also cause you to get too involved in their breakup. As much as you may miss her, keep your communication to a single message of support and kindness.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- If you want your son and his ex-girlfriend to get back together, remaining in contact with her is not what is going to bring them back into each other’s lives. They ultimately need space to decide what they want to do.

8

Don't be offended if she doesn't reply.

Your son’s ex-girlfriend may be heartbroken. The loss of a relationship can be very hard to deal with, and often space and a period of no contact are what are needed to move on. If you send a letter and don’t get a response or your calls aren’t being picked up, respect her wishes and stop contacting her.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- You never know, after some space, she may return your call and wish you well!