12+ Signs You Shouldn't Break Up, Even if You're Having Doubts

Co-authored by Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 29, 2022 References

Having issues in a long-term relationship is totally normal, especially after you’ve gotten out of the honeymoon phase. But figuring out the difference between a catastrophic problem and one that can be worked on is a little tough, especially if you two are going through a rough patch right now. In this article, we’ve compiled some of the most telling signs that you and your partner have a loving, healthy relationship (even if it doesn’t quite feel like it right now). Read through this list to see how strong your partnership is as you figure out what to do next.

1

You get into fights, but only about little stuff.

Every couple fights from time to time—it’s just a fact of life. When you start getting into small arguments with your partner, it can feel like fighting is all that you’re doing. Take a step back and examine the subject of the fights. If you two are getting cranky at each other about the dishes or who’s going to walk the dog, these little fights probably don’t mean you should break up. By improving communication and talking about your expectations upfront, you can stop fighting and instead have healthy, productive conversations.^{[1]
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- On the flip side, if you and your partner are constantly fighting about big things (like money, sex, living situations, or future goals), it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.}

2

You both stay respectful when you fight.

This means little to no yelling (and definitely no name-calling). All couples fight, but that doesn’t mean you have to get mean or nasty with your partner. Think about the most recent fights you two have had: were they calm and productive, or did they blow up into a 3-day ordeal? If you and your partner can keep love in the forefront of your mind when you fight, your relationship is worth holding onto.^{[3]
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- If your partner yells at you or calls you names when you fight, you may want to end your relationship. Healthy partnerships involve respect, even when you two are fighting.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.}

3

You still have mutual trust.

You don’t feel like you have to keep tabs on your partner all the time. Sure, you might call and check in on them if you haven’t heard from them in a while, but with a solid foundation of trust, you won’t feel the need to track their location or who they’re with. Healthy relationships are built on trust, and if you have that, your relationship can definitely be saved.^{[5]
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- Unfortunately, if your partner has betrayed your trust in the past, it can be hard to get that foundation back. Consider working with a couple’s counselor to rebuild that trust with each other.

4

You have similar or shared interests.

What do you and your partner like to do together? Maybe you have a favorite TV show that you love watching as a couple, or maybe you both like going out on the weekends. As long as you have at least 1 thing that you like to do together, it’s worth trying to work on the relationship, since the connection is still there.^{[6]
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- If you two don’t have a favorite activity that you like doing together, try something new as a couple! Take a pottery class together or go hiking for the first time. You might just find a fun activity to bring that spark back into your relationship.

5

You love and care about your partner.

As long as you don’t resent each other, your relationship can be fixed. When you think about your partner, do you remember all the good stuff they’ve done for you in the past? Or are you only thinking about how they’ve hurt your feelings or made your life worse? If you’re still holding onto that loving, caring feeling, then it’s worth talking to your partner before making any rash decisions.^{[7]
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- On the other hand, if those feelings of love and care for your partner are completely gone, it may be time to end things.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.}

6

You look forward to seeing your partner.

As you drive home from work, you hope to see their car in the driveway. A lot of couples headed for a breakup report that they found ways to actively avoid their partner, like staying late at work or taking the long way home. If you look forward to coming home from a long day and giving your partner a hug, your relationship is probably worth holding onto.^{[9]
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- Avoiding your partner usually points to deeper issues, which is why it’s a red flag. It could mean that you’re unhappy in the relationship, but you don’t want to talk about it yet.

7

Your friends and family like your partner.

Your loved ones often have a good read on what’s best for you. This isn’t always true (sometimes your friends and family have terrible taste in partners), but if your loved ones are telling you to hang onto the relationship, you may want to believe them. This is especially true if you’ve shared some of the details of your relationship with a person close to you.^{[10]
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- If you’ve talked about some of your issues with your partner and your friends and family are telling you to leave them, it may be time to rethink the relationship. Again, the decision is always your own to make, but loved ones can help us see things from an outside perspective.

8

Your partner raises you up instead of tearing you down.

When you’re with your partner, you feel better about yourself, not worse. Healthy people in relationships build each other up and work on raising each others’ self-esteem. If your partner constantly reminds you of how cool and awesome you are, you don’t want to let that go.^{[11]
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- If you feel bad about yourself after hanging out with your partner, it could be time to end the relationship. You deserve to feel good about yourself, and your partner should always make you feel like the best version of you.

9

You both express your gratitude.

This means that you don’t take each other’s actions for granted. Studies show that expressing your gratitude to your partner is one of the most important things you can be doing (it might be even more important than expressing your love for them). If your partner still thanks you for the things that you bring to the table, hang onto that relationship.^{[12]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- Gratitude is also something that can be worked on. If you feel like your partner is taking you for granted, sit down with them and express your feelings. Your partner might not realize that they haven’t said thank you in a while, so let them know.

10

You’re both willing to work to improve.

When problems arise, you and your partner both step up to the plate. If your partner isn’t willing to work on your relationship, unfortunately, things probably aren’t going to get better. But, if you bring something up and you can both work together to find a solution, your relationship will most likely improve.^{[13]
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- If you and your partner have a tough time coming up with solutions together, it’s worth talking to a couple’s counselor. They can give you an unbiased third-party opinion, as well as some concrete steps to take to improve your relationship.

11

You’re content, but you don’t feel that spark anymore.

You might not get butterflies around your partner anymore, and that’s okay. When you first get into a relationship with someone, the newness of it all makes you feel excited (hence the swooping feeling in your stomach). As you get more comfortable with your partner, that feeling might fade, but it’s replaced with safety, comfort, and love.^{[14]
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- Plus, there are always ways to bring back that spark in a relationship! Take your partner out on a fun date night, or go away together for the weekend. Act like you did when you two first started dating to rekindle those special feelings.

12

You can talk freely about your sexual relationship.

Even if things aren’t perfect, you can bring up sex with your partner. You and your partner might go through periods where you have less sex, and that’s okay. As long as you feel like you can express your needs without your partner getting offended or upset, this isn’t a sign that you should leave. However, if you feel like you can’t talk about what’s going on in the bedroom, it may be time to rethink things.^{[15]
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- If you’re having trouble expressing yourself to your partner, consider talking to a sex therapist. They’re specifically trained to get couples communicating more about their sex life, and they can give you some helpful tips on how to talk to your partner without making them feel uncomfortable.

Expert Q&A

Question

What is the biggest deal breaker?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

Relationship Counselor

Expert Answer

Wanting/not wanting kids is one of the most common deal breakers. If you and your partner truly have opposing viewpoints on this issue, it might be better to break things off instead of putting off the conversation for later.
Question

How do you know if you should consider divorce?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

Relationship Counselor

Expert Answer

Take a look at how often you fight, how verbally abusive you are to one another, as well as when you fight. If you're verbally abusive in front of your children, then you definitely need to separate—it's very hard for kids not to assume that your fights are about them.