How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship

Co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA

Last Updated: July 6, 2022 References

Are you and your partner fighting in an unproductive way? If so, it can be hard to break the cycle and find a new way to resolve conflict, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. In this article, we’ll show you how you can stop your arguments from going off of the rails so that you two can actually address your problems in a healthy way. We’ll also cover what you can do to improve the way you two communicate so that you can repair your relationship. In the meantime, try not to worry. You and your partner can 100% come out of this stronger than ever.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Stopping a Fight

1
Eliminate the word “but”. A statement can start out as understanding and empathetic, yet get derailed when the word “but” comes in.^{[1]
X
Research source} For instance, you may say, “I know you had to work late tonight, but I really needed you to fold the laundry.” Before you say “but”, think about finishing your original thought first. You can say, “I know you had to work late tonight, and I bet you’re really tired.”
- Be empathic toward your partner instead of blaming. This can smooth many fights or arguments before they blow up.
- Pay attention to your partner’s needs and voice your appreciation, concern, and empathy.
2
Stop the blame-guilt cycle. Sometimes you feel guilty about something (like not taking out the trash) and find a way to blame your partner (you didn’t remind me; we stayed up late talking about finances). You may blame your partner for being unkind, thoughtless, or not listening. Guilt and blame can play in circles. Instead of letting these feelings get the best of you, stop and notice when you feel guilty or when you’re ready to fire off an accusation or blame. If you feel guilty or you blame yourself, it’s likely that you may want to externalize these uncomfortable feelings onto someone else.^{[2]
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Research source}
- When you feel guilt or blame arise, notice the feelings. Remember that you do not have to act on them, just notice them in your feelings, thoughts, or body. Then, think of a way to not blame your partner. You may end the fight completely once you make this decision.
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3
Find humor. Even during the most tense situations, it’s okay to try and break the ice with a little humor.^{[3]
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Research source} You may not realize how quickly a fight escalates, or how intensely you are feeling anger, guilt, blame, or frustration. Having a little comedic relief is healthy and can break down the barriers quickly.
- You can express your frustration while still bringing humor to the situation. For instance, you throw an imaginary object at your partner and say “Boing!” or do an anger dance when you feel especially frustrated.
4
Own up to your part. It’s easy to find fault in your partner and think of all the ways he or she has let you down. But be honest with yourself: is this helping you in any way, or helping decrease the conflict in your relationship? Let down your defenses in the height of things. While it may feel counterintuitive, it’s quite effective. Don’t be afraid to admit your wrongs.
- Don’t be too proud to say “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong.” Especially if you’ve hurt your partner, make it clear that you are remorseful of your actions and that you want things to be better.
5
Reconnect through touch. Sometimes you know that continuing to argue and fight will be futile. Instead of running around the hamster wheel, stop your fight and your words, and commit to touch.^{[4]
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Research source} Engage in a long embrace, hold hands, or cuddle. Take away the anger, frustration, and hurt for a moment and focus on connection.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
- You can show and express your love toward someone even if you are angry with him or her. You can say, “I feel really angry, but I still love you and care for you very much.”
- Keep in mind that your relationship is multifaceted. While you may feel emotionally disconnected, it doesn’t mean you cannot physically connect.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Repairing the Relationship

1
Be a good listener. Be open to hearing your partner out. When you’re unclear about something, don’t jump to conclusions but ask strategic questions that provide clarification.^{[6]
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Research source} Instead of waiting for your partner to say something “wrong”, make your goal to understand your partner, regardless of whether you agree of disagree. The point of listening isn’t to make your point clear, it’s to more fully understand your partner.
- Fights are often due to misinformation or personalization. The more you listen and understand your partner, the less potential for conflict will arise.
- Don’t just be curious for information, but ask about your partner’s feelings. Try, “How did it make you feel?” or “What was that situation like for you?”
2
Place your focus on you. Stop putting the energy onto the other person (whom, realistically, you cannot change) and instead put your focus on yourself. What can you do to improve the situation? Remove the phrase “You make me feel…” from your vocabulary.^{[7]
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Research source} Instead of exploding at your partner, put your focus on yourself and your needs. Express your needs instead of demanding what you want of your partner. For instance, saying “I need time to relax after work” is different than saying, “You never let me relax after work.”
- Instead of placing blame onto your partner, state your feelings.^{[8]
  X
  Research source} For instance, instead of saying, “You’re such a jerk! I can’t believe you!” say, “I feel really hurt and disrespected by your words.” Notice how different these statements are, and imagine how different the response may be from your partner.
3
Forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to excuse your partner’s behavior, pretend an event didn’t happen, or let your partner ’off the hook’.^{[9]
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Research source} Forgiveness allows you to free yourself from holding on to any resentment or negative feelings.
- Let go of the urge to punish your partner. You cannot resolve a conflict if you are unwilling to forgive.^{[10]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}
- Let go of past fights and let the past remain in the past. If you still feel bitter or resentful toward you partner, address those feelings and don’t let them linger in the relationship.
4
Seek professional help. You may feel like you’re in so deep that you don’t know how to get out. A therapist can help you dissect your problems and see what needs are not getting met. Working on skills such as communication, modifying dysfunctional behavior, and changing roles can be a part of couple’s therapy.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
- Therapy can be helpful in getting you and your partner to be on each other’s side and work together instead of against each other.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Preventing Fights

1
Agree to disagree. Your fights may run in circles until you recognize that there are certain topics that you may never agree on, which may include aspects of finances, parenting, in-laws or friends.^{[12]
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Research source} Learn to respectfully hear each other’s sides and then drop the issue.
- Accept that there are fundamental topics that you will disagree on, and leave it at that.
- If you disagree on major issues, find a compromise. For instance, if you disagree on parenting issues, find a way that you each can respect each other and yourself while doing the best for your child.
2
Get enough rest. If you’re not getting enough sleep, chances are you’ll be more susceptible to stress and conflict.^{[13]
X
Trustworthy Source
National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute
Research and education center within the National Institutes of Health
Go to source} Not getting enough sleep can affect your physical, emotional, and mental health.
- Aim to get between 7.5-8 hours of sleep per night.^{[14]
  X
  Research source} But remember that some people function well at 6 hours of sleep, while others benefit from getting 9 hours of sleep each night. Make minor adjustments to your going to bed/waking times to find the optimal amount of sleep for you.
3
Find stress outlets. Don’t take your stress out on your partner. Instead, find healthy ways to cope daily with the stress of school, work, family, and friends. Stress is a part of every human’s life, the greatest variable is how you deal with it. Find outlets that help you feel good.
- Exercise is an excellent way to move your body and release stress. There are numerous benefits of exercise such decreasing stress and boosting your mood.^{[15]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source} Aim for 30 minutes each day of exercise, which can include going to the gym, dancing, walking your dog, or jumping on the trampoline.
- Find time to relax. This may include reading a book, spending time in nature, taking a bath or listening to music.^{[16]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}
- Spend time with friends. If you feel stressed, call up a friend, meet for smoothies, or go for a walk together. Connecting with someone who cares and that supports you is a quick way to release stress.^{[17]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}
4
Meditate. Practicing mindful meditation can help you distance yourself from conflict and negative thoughts.^{[18]
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Research source} Practice seeing negative thoughts just as thoughts and not as reality. Don’t attach yourself to the thoughts; see them as free-floating thoughts that you can choose to accept or not; they don’t have to be truth.
- Practice seeing negative thoughts like free-floating clouds in the sky: one moment they are here, the next they are not. Just like one moment you may say an animal cloud, then it changes, learn to not attach to negative thoughts.
5
Express your love and appreciation. Make sure you let your partner know how much he or she means to you. Express your gratitude for the big and little things, like picking up the kids from soccer to being there for you when your grandfather died.^{[19]
X
Research source} Be thoughtful and generous with your time. Let your partner know that he or she is a priority and not an afterthought.^{[20]
X
Expert Source

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
- Surprise your partner with a thoughtful card, piece of art, flowers, candy, or homemade meal, just because.
- Offer an act of kindness. Ask your partner, “What can I do to make your day brighter?”^{[21]
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  Research source}

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do you stop arguing over unimportant things?

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

Jin S. Kim, MA

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

This all boils down to communication and style. One thing that may help is to use "I" statements when you're discussing anything that may cause friction. For example, instead of saying "You didn't take the trash out," try, "I don't like it when the trash stays in the house." This can keep your partner from feeling like you're attacking them, and it should dial down some of the friction you experience over minor issues.
Question

Is it normal to fight in a relationship?

Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.

Jin S. Kim, MA

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

It depends on what you mean by "fight." If you mean "have healthy discussions about competing ideas," or, "disagree on occasion," then yes. That's totally normal. If you're thinking about fighting in terms of yelling at one another or saying hurtful things, then no. Things should never reach that point if the two of you are communicating correctly.