How to Trick a Narcissist Into Telling the Truth

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: June 13, 2022 References

It's common for a narcissist to lie or cover up the truth. Luckily, there are clever and subtle ways to make a narcissist reveal themselves. All you need to do is remain calm and focus on the facts. This article will cover how to use expert-backed tips to outsmart a narcissist. Read on to trick a narcissist into telling the truth so you can expose anything they try to hide from you.

1

Collect evidence in advance.

Find proof of their behavior so you can disarm them later. Before you even start a discussion with a narcissist, make a list of their patterns and any inconsistencies you’ve tracked in their stories. Document what they’ve said or done as well as any events that other people have noticed. Be careful not to give a narcissist hints about how diligent you are. They won’t have extra time to come up with a lot of lies, excuses, or half-truths.^{[1]
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- Keep logs or records of what you’ve witnessed on a password-protected computer.
- To be efficient, write down just the facts and direct statements from the narcissist.
- Compare any of your accounts with others who deal closely with the narcissist.
- Later, show a narcissist the least amount of evidence possible to make your point. For example, if you’ve collected several chat logs, share only one line.
- Narcissists become more defensive when you present a large amount of evidence.^{[2]
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2

Approach a narcissist when you’re calm.

They’re more likely to engage if you don’t seem mad. Use a neutral tone of voice and respectful language when you contact the narcissist. Instead of trying to embarrass or argue with them, say you just want to talk and keep track of some details. When you sound like you simply want to discuss events rather than how the narcissist made a mistake, they’ll be less likely to shut you out.^{[3]
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- Start off with an “I” statement like: “I just want to talk about Friday night.”
- Talk about a simple observation like: “I had to finish the financial report on my own.”
- End with an answer you want like: “I was wondering if you were aware of the supervisor’s deadline?”

3

Reassure them that it’s safe to tell the truth.

A narcissist might admit what they did if they think you’ll still like them. Make the situation feel “low stakes” for the narcissist and say they won’t be negatively impacted when they tell you what really happened. Tell them that you also won’t think less of them if they’re anxious, insecure, or worried about their actions or performance. If a narcissist doesn’t think that you or others will abandon or shame them, they’ll admit what they did a lot more quickly.^{[4]
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- Make a casual, comforting comment like: “We’re good. I didn’t mention it to anyone.”
- Normalize mistakes with words like: “It’s totally okay to get tired or stressed.”
- Say they can still be socially included with a remark like: “Just keep me in the loop so we can stay a team, okay?”

4

Ask for simple “yes” or “no” answers.

Keep it simple so they can’t distract you with unnecessary details. Tell a narcissist that you’re more interested in quick answers instead of long explanations. Every time they list out excuses instead of just telling you what you need to know, go back to your main point. If you need to, continue to repeat the same questions. The narcissist will realize that they won’t be able to win you over or deflect the situation with lots of irrelevant information.^{[5]
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- Present the narcissist with a clear question like: “Did you email your research to me on Thursday evening by 6 P.M.?”
- Bring up your proof without blaming the narcissist. For example, say, “Hey, see this chat log? This confirms the deadlines we agreed to, right?”
- If they switch the subject, make a comment like, “It’s really important that we clear this up. Do you see what we said in the chat log?”

5

Tell them not to blame anyone or anything else.

This tactic forces them to focus only on their own actions. Use a polite tone of voice and tell them that you’re just interested in what they did. When they try to shift blame or claim that someone else is at fault, say that you want to talk to one person at a time. In order to force the narcissist to talk only about their own actions, refuse to let them talk about outside factors.^{[6]
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- If they talk about an irrelevant detail, like bad WiFi, mention a solution they could have considered: “Our office always has great internet access.”
- Continue to focus on their personal responsibility with a comment like, “You can always put your data on a $5 flashdrive.”
- If the narcissist blames another person, refuse to take their bait. Say something like, “Jamie wasn’t on our team. She couldn’t tell you what our deadline was.”

6

Say they’ll lose people’s respect if they keep lying.

A narcissist will tell the truth if they can keep everyone’s social approval. First, remind them that dishonesty has a lot of consequences and alienates other people. Suggest that their lies will pile up and that the deception will be easy for everyone to notice. Encourage them to stop misleading you right now so they’ll hold onto their social status.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} The narcissist is more likely to stop their toxic behavior and pattern of lies if they think that will protect them.^{[8]
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- Ask them what people would think. Pose a question like, “Do you think Jamie will appreciate that you said she gave you the wrong information?”
- Claim that you’re just looking out for them with a comment like, “I just want you to be on good terms with her in case you collaborate with her.”
- Make a narcissist think that saving their reputation is their idea. Say something like, “I know you’re well respected in this company and want to keep it that way.”

7

Confront their lies to break down their defenses.

If they still aren’t transparent, then be direct so they lose their cool. If you’ve tried to be kind and diplomatic but the narcissist still won’t tell the truth, admit that you think they’re lying. Just make one simple critique. As soon as you say you doubt the narcissist’s account, they’re more likely to melt down and become illogical. That way, it’ll be a lot easier to point out all their inconsistencies.^{[9]
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- One small, negative remark can make a narcissist crack and expose all their manipulation.
- For example, if you just say, “That's not true. You promised to share all your findings by the deadline,” the narcissist may immediately get offended.
- Then, the narcissist may act up and forget to keep track of all their lies. They might give you two different accounts. If they do, point that out.

8

Avoid expressing sympathy when they’re emotional.

When they notice manipulation isn’t effective, they’ll give it up. Once you call a narcissist out for their lies, they’ll probably claim you’re attacking them. If they don’t use a hostile tone, then they may try to make you feel sorry for them. Resist any of their dramatic tactics. Instead, ignore any ways they talk about their feelings. When you’re not moved, they’ll feel defeated and know they can’t pretend to be a victim around you.^{[10]
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- If a narcissist starts to blame you, deal with their behavior by refusing to give them attention. Just make a remark like, “This doesn’t feel productive right now. We can talk about this later.”
- If the narcissist cries or complains, let them handle their emotions on their own. You’ll teach them that their feelings aren’t your responsibility.
- Only use positive reinforcement when the narcissist stops overreacting and starts telling the truth. Make a comment like, “It’s mature of you to admit that.”

9

Point out boundaries or agreements they broke.

These are straightforward facts that they can’t sugarcoat or deny. Talk about how you can’t trust the narcissist due to their patterns. Point out any ways they’ve chronically dropped their responsibilities or let you down.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Expert Interview. 1 April 2019.} Share objective facts about what happened in the past, such as all their lateness or their broken promises. When they try to persuade you that they really care about you, highlight how they’ve disrespected you.^{[12]
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- If they tell you not to worry, give them reasons why you already doubt them.
- If they say they want to support you, tell them how they’ve made your life difficult.
- When they claim they can change, let them know you’ve already given them chances.
- Each time you bring up a fact, you’ll chip away at their claims that they’re trustworthy.

10

Stick to your version of events.

Remain consistent with your story—they’ll see they can’t influence you. Resist any way the narcissist might try to “gaslight” you by talking you out of what you’ve seen or experienced.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.} Every time they give you inaccurate details about what happened, repeat what you know is true. When you aren’t persuaded to see circumstances the way they do, the narcissist will probably get tired. They’ll see you’re too mentally strong to be lied to.^{[14]
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- Stand up for what you saw. For example, say, “I know we discussed this before.”
- Say that your memory is clear. Make a comment like, “I can’t misremember chat logs.”
- Be direct and the narcissist’s impact on you with words like, “This added to my stress level.”
- When you never budge on your account, the narcissist can’t replace your truth with their twisted or invented facts.

11

Refuse to accept their apologies.

Say you don’t want them to be sorry and that you just want honesty. By the end of your discussion, a narcissist might make one final effort to make you take their side. They may give you a lot of apologies so you drop the matter and warm up to them. Say you’re not interested in that behavior. Make it clear that you only respect the truth.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} Since narcissists thrive on validation, they’ll learn that the only way to interact with you is with facts.^{[16]
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- When you accept an apology, a narcissist thinks they’re “off the hook.”
- If you ignore how “sorry” a narcissist is, they know they’re held to a higher standard.
- Ultimately, a narcissist is more likely to admit fault if you hold them accountable.