How to Tell Your Best Friend That You Are in Love With the Same Guy

Last Updated: December 18, 2022 References

Ah, amour. Things can be hard when a friend likes the same guy you do. It can break people apart. But if you read this, that won't be necessary.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Are you sure you're in love with him too?

1
Consider what it is about the guy that makes you think you're also falling for him. Maybe he's cute, hunky, sweet or smart. Or is it because he hangs around the two of you a lot and you feel a connection? Or maybe, just maybe, there is a little competitiveness between you and your friend for his attentions? Whatever the reason, it is really important to think about your feelings objectively. Are these feelings so strong that it is worth rocking a friendship over? Or is this just a fleeting impression that a bit of distraction doing something else of focusing elsewhere will help you to overcome?^{[1]
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2
Consider your friendship. Your friendship came first, and friendship is complex. It comes with layers of having spent time together, sharing secrets, having each other's back. Are you going to let a guy come between all of that now? There are certainly plenty of other possible love matches out there in the world; why this particular one right now?^{[2]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Talking to your friend

This section presumes that neither of you is going out with him yet. If she is going out with him already, see the next section.

1
If you've decided this guy is worth the struggle, discuss your feelings with your friend. Tell her how you're feeling but don't just blurt out "I'm in love with X. I saw him first." Approach the matter with great tact and a whole lot of love.
- For example, let your friend know that you need to talk to her about something that is difficult for you. Ask for her understanding and a willingness to hear you out.
2
Explain that you fancy the same fellow that she does but that you realize that your friendship comes first. This alerts her immediately to the fact that you are willing to put the friendship before all else. You had better be genuine about this intent too or she will see through you.^{[3]
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3
Explain why this guy matters to you without laying it on thick. Don't give her any guilt tripping, such as suggesting that you'll die if you can't have him. Instead, tell her the exact factual things about him that attracted you to him. If he has given any indication of liking you back, again, give brief factual details of this impression but don't turn it into something it isn't. A mere wink might just have been his wish to join in the fun and get along with you while a hug and a whisper of "I really like you" is definitely something more substantial to pass along.
- Tell her that you don't want to like him - sometimes your best mate will say" just stop liking him". This may seem hard but agree to the statement so it won't cause conflict between you.
4
Finish up by saying that you don't want to fight about him. Re-emphasize that the friendship comes first and that you simply wanted to place your feelings out in the open and talk freely about where both of you think things should go next. Even if your BFF reacts angrily or wants to start a fight, do not allow this to escalate; do not respond aggressively.
5
Give her plenty of time and space to talk. Really listen to what she has to say; fight any tendency to argue with her or to suggest that her feelings aren't as real as yours. Both of you will need to be respectful of the feelings while trying to reach a realistic compromise on what is best for both of you from this point on.
6
Try to keep the friendship at the heart of the solution. You have several possibilities from here: 1. She says "go for it" to you and bows out gracefully; 2. You say "go for it" to her and bow out gracefully; 3. You both agree the guy isn't worth the friendship and agree to keep him as a friend but neither of you pursue him romantically. 4. You argue, fall out and the friendship ends in a flurry of competitiveness over him. It is to be hoped that number 4 isn't the outcome, so acknowledge it's a possibility and do your best to steer clear of it. With these four possibilities in mind, discuss between the two of you how to move forward from here.^{[4]
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7
If she starts dating him, or before, make a pact that boyfriends won't get in the way of you two being close friends.
8
If she does let you have him, wait! Don't rush into the relationship because that's kind of snappish. She might be testing you to see if you accept the offer to see how much you like him. Never take the first offer.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Resisting busting up a friendship

This section is for when your BFF is already dating the guy. It's pretty simple.

1
Leave this guy alone. Let your friend have him and let their story unfold as it is intended. None of you know the end story but meddling with it won't do you any good, and you'll lose a friend.
2
Get over him. Do not tell your BFF that you have or had feelings for this guy. Let it rest and be prepared to move on. Keep calm and act normally around the two of them together and him alone.^{[5]
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3
Bear in mind that no matter how new, how odd or how serious the relationship is, it isn't your place to be the wedge in it. Consider whether you really want to break someone's heart. Consider how comfortable you'd feel with a guy who would readily start seeing you in place of your best friend.

Community Q&A

Question

How can I let my friend date my ex?

Community Answer

Remember that your ex is your ex for a reason, and talk to your friend about setting up comfortable boundaries for your friendship.
Question

I told my best friend I didn't like the same boy as her, but now I am going out with him and I didn't tell her. What should I do?

Community Answer

It's better to tell her the truth. She will be hurt, but it will be worse if she finds out from someone else or on her own.
Question

I like the same guy as my BFF, and I told her. Now, she is telling me that she doesn't like him anymore and that she won't try to get him, but I know that she really does still like him.

Community Answer

You can try talking it over with her again, tell her you want to know how she really feels, but the best thing to do in this situation is just forget him. No guy is so important it is worth putting your friendship in jeopardy. If you think she would hold it against you if you went out with him, don't risk it.

Warnings

Don't let the guy flirt with you. That would be chaos entering the calm circle of friendship. And who wants that?

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