This article was co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophia Latorre. Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.
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Hello? Is anyone there? Being ignored doesn’t feel good, whether it’s a friend, partner, or sibling shutting you out. Not to mention, it can be super confusing knowing how to deal with the situation appropriately. Should you reach out or ignore them back? The good news is that getting someone to stop ignoring you isn't as complicated as it may seem. In this article, we’ll walk you through the best way to deal with someone who's ignoring you so you can hopefully get them to cut it out.
Things You Should Know
- Give them some space. While you may be tempted to keep reaching out until they respond, waiting until they’re ready to communicate with you is typically wiser.
- Continue with your daily routine while they process their feelings. Carrying on or having fun with friends will help keep your mind off things.
- Try to arrange a face-to-face meeting with them to discuss the problem and work together to devise a solution that feels right for both of you.
- Accept that the relationship may not be worth saving. If the person ignoring you is doing so just to get your attention, they’re likely trying to manipulate you.
Steps
Giving Them Space
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1Try to figure out why they’re ignoring you. Depending on the situation, this may be pretty obvious. For instance, if you’ve had a huge fight with your wife, you may know exactly why she’s giving you the cold shoulder. If you aren’t aware of any problems between yourself and the person ignoring you, consider if you might have done something to upset them.[1]
- For instance, maybe you were gossiping about a friend behind their back. Whatever you said could have gotten back to them.
- If you left someone out of your plans or didn’t return their calls or messages, your behavior may have hurt their feelings.
Tip: In some cases, you may not have done anything to warrant being ignored. If the person ignoring you is a crush or relatively new romantic interest, it’s probably best to just move on. You deserve someone who will treat you better!
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2Let them cool off. Regardless of why you’re being ignored, the worst thing you can do is to hound the person constantly in hopes of a response. Don’t send a bunch of messages, call repeatedly, or keep asking them why they’re ignoring you. Give them some time to figure out how they feel and if they want to get in touch with you.[2]
- A single message or call is fine, but don’t send a bunch of texts like, “Why are you ignoring me?” “What did I do wrong?” or “Please talk to me!” These messages may annoy the person rather than get them to open up.
- It can be tough to avoid trying to solve the problem immediately. However, you can’t control the other person, so giving them space is best.
- You can also send something heartfelt, like “I've tried reaching out a couple of times. Maybe you're going through something you're uncomfortable sharing with me, or maybe you're just not up for connecting with me right now. I just want to let you know that I'm here. And I hope we can connect in the future.”[3]
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3Distract yourself with work, school, or hobbies. Trying to figure out why someone is ignoring you or obsessing over the fact that they are ignoring you can take up a lot of time and energy, plus it can affect your mental and physical health! However, it’s not productive and will only make you miserable. Continue with your daily life and activities. Throwing yourself into your job or schoolwork is a productive way to keep from thinking about the problem.[4]
- During your free time, do things you enjoy, whether that’s fishing, baking, playing soccer, woodworking, writing poetry, swimming, knitting, or coding!
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4Spend time with people who care about you. While being on the outs with someone important in your life can feel terrible, they’re probably not the only person you enjoy spending time with. Reach out to other friends and family members and ask them to hang out. Take the time to build up your other relationships and spend quality time together.[5]
- It’s essential to ensure your emotional needs are met, especially when you’re struggling with a relationship that’s important to you. It can be helpful to speak with someone you trust about the situation, who you know won’t say anything about it to anyone else.
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5Think about how you’ve reacted to being ignored in the past. If this person has given you the silent treatment before and you’ve responded by giving them lots of attention to get them to talk to you, they may be trying to get you to do it again. Showering them with attention in an effort to reconnect shows them that ignoring you will get them what they want when it’s not a healthy way to deal with problems, but rather, a manipulative one.[6]
- This is another reason why it’s important to avoid being clingy or begging for their attention—they might be ignoring you just to get you to respond.
Talking in Person
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1Reach out to arrange a face-to-face meeting. Addressing the issue is important if you care about the person ignoring you and want to resolve the conflict. Speaking in person is better than texting or talking on the phone since you’ll be able to see each other’s facial expressions and determine how genuine each other’s words and actions are.[7]
- You can call, text, or even send a note to arrange the meeting. Try saying something like, “I know you’re upset with me, and I’d really like to talk things through. Can we meet for coffee at 10 am on Saturday?”
- Try to choose a neutral meeting place, so no one has the “home field” advantage. Coffee shops are great because you’re surrounded by people and don’t have to commit to having a long sit-down meal like you would a restaurant.
Tip: The person may not respond to your request or decline meeting up. In this case, there’s not much else you can do. If you’re open to talking to them about the issues in the future, let them know so they can reach out when they’re ready.
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2Ask them directly why they’re ignoring you. Now that you’ve gotten the person to agree to talk to you, it's time to get down to business. Even if you have a good idea of why they’ve been ignoring you, ask them to explain it from their perspective. An honest and open conversation may be all it takes to get your relationship back on track.[8]
- You may be surprised at what the issue is between you or why they think ignoring you is the right way to handle the problem.
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3Listen carefully to what they have to say. Avoid being defensive or thinking of a rebuttal while they’re talking. This can be difficult, especially if they accuse you of something or think you’re in the wrong. However, do your best to listen to what they’re saying, read between the lines, and try to see the situation from their side.[9]
- Use your body language to show them you’re listening by making eye contact and nodding when you understand or agree.
- Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you need clarification. You can also repeat what they said to make sure you understand.
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4Apologize if you’re in the wrong. Take responsibility for your actions if you did something to upset or hurt the other person. Put your ego aside so you can acknowledge your mistakes and apologize sincerely. Validating their feelings can go a long way toward restoring your relationship.[10]
- Say something like, “I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to girls’ night out, Jen. I can see that I hurt your feelings. I’ll be sure to include you in the future.”
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5Explain your side of the story. Once the other person has aired their grievances and feels heard, it’s your turn to explain how this conflict affected you. Share your perspective on the situation without pointing the finger at them. Use “I” statements to frame your feelings, and don’t forget to tell them how you felt when they ignored you.[11]
- For instance, you might say, “I felt really sad and anxious when you refused to talk to me. I value our friendship and want to make things right.”
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6Come up with a compromise or solution together, if possible. At this point, you probably have a pretty good idea of whether the relationship can be mended. In some cases, an apology might be enough. In others, it may take time and dedication to repair your relationship. Work together to determine what the next steps will be.[12]
- You can each offer solutions and compromise to find one that works for both of you.
- It’s easy to make promises but harder to follow through. Make sure you’re willing to do the work necessary to rebuild trust in your relationship if that’s the issue.
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7Accept that the relationship may not be worth saving. If the person ignoring you does so to get you to do something they want (or not do something they don’t want), they’re likely manipulating you. This is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If you notice that a friend or family member often uses this type of behavior, especially after confronting them about it, you may be better off without this person in your life.[13]
Community Q&A
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QuestionMy friend has been ignoring me for over 3 months, because I wanted to stop being his partner on a project. He'll barely speak and look me in the eye. But I really miss him. Any suggestions?
wikiHow Staff EditorThis answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Staff AnswerwikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerYou could try reaching out to your friend by sending them a text like, "Hey, I know we haven't talked in a while, and I just wanted to let you know that I really miss our friendship. I'd love to talk about things over coffee if you're open to it." -
QuestionMy best friend ignored me and I just don't know what the problem is. She won't reply to my texts and even blocked my call. Even when we meet, I'm being treated like a stranger what do I do?wikiHow Staff EditorThis answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Staff AnswerwikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerIf your friend has blocked your ability to communicate with them via calls or texts and won't talk to you in person, it might be time to move on from the friendship or give her more time to cool down. If you see her again, or if she unblocks you, you could say, "I value our friendship and want to work things out between us whenever you feel ready." -
QuestionHow can I get over the man I love but he ignores me??wikiHow Staff EditorThis answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Staff AnswerwikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerIf you've asked your partner to have an open and honest conversation about why they're ignoring you, but they still won't explain themselves, moving on from the relationship is probably a good idea. Remember, you deserve someone who respects you and makes you feel loved rather than overlooked. Great relationships are built on great communication.
![Tell if Your Guy Friend Sees You As Just "One of the Guys"](./images/2367374755--crop-342-184-245px-Tell-if-Your-Guy-Friend-Sees-You-As-Just-"One-of-the-Guys"-Step-18.webp)
References
- ↑ https://medium.com/practical-growth/signs-theyre-avoiding-you-46dfd19121ca
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/how-to-stop-worrying.htm
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/tactics-manipulators-use-to-win-and-confuse-you
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3835442/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3835442/
- ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/use_active_listening_skills_to_effectively_deal_with_conflict
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3835442/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/dealing-with-difficult-family-relationships.htm
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/steps-to-end-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
About This Article
If someone is ignoring you and you've already tried reaching out to them, it's probably best if you give them some space to cool off for a bit. It's not easy, and it can be frustrating not being able to fix the problem immediately, but you can't really control what the other person does. Once you've given them some time, try reaching out again and arranging a face-to-face meeting. Even if they won't meet with you in person, ask them why they're ignoring you, and apologize if you're in the wrong. A simple apology might be all it takes for them to start talking to you again. If they're still upset, ask if there's any way you can make it up to them. Otherwise, if you feel like they're not willing to meet you halfway, it might be a sign that your relationship isn't worth saving. For advice on how to distract yourself with fun activities when someone is ignoring you, keep reading!
