How to Stop an Affair

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Last Updated: December 17, 2021

When one partner cheats on another, it can be very difficult to move forward with either the old relationship or the affair. In many cases, ending the affair is a delicate process that requires a great deal of emotional strength and care. Whether you committed the affair and want to move on, or your partner cheated, learning how to end the affair and start the process of moving on is possible with the right guidance.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Ending Your Affair

1
Assess both relationships privately. If you've been seeing someone on the side, you might be experiencing a great deal of confusion and grief over the process that awaits. A great deal of trust has been broken with your committed partner, while you also need to take the other party's feelings into account. Every relationship will be different, and it's important to evaluate both separately before planning a course of action.
- Consider whether or not you should talk to your committed partner, or the new partner first. Generally it's best to talk with the committed partner first. Does your affair know that you're in a committed relationship? If you made promises that you'd end your marriage for your new partner, or that you were committed to both people, you need to take special care to let the affair partner down easy. However, if you want to preserve your relationship with your spouse/committed partner it's important to cut off all contact with the affair partner. Trying to be "just friends" is risky and will be an impediment to healing your primary relationship.
- Under no circumstances should you bring all parties together and try to hash it out as a group. Even if one or the other partner wants to make this happen, it's a situation that's best avoided.^{[1]
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2
Decide whether or not you want to stay with your committed partner. If you're settled on ending a relationship with the person you had an affair with, you also need to decide whether or not you want to stay with your committed partner, and how you choose to address the affair together. Keep in mind that only about 10% of affair relationships lead to marriage and these marriages usually do not last. ^{[2]
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- If you want to stay together, you need to decide how much of the affair you want to reveal to your partner. If you're feeling extremely guilty and think coming clean would assuage that guilt, then do so as soon as possible. If you feel confident that it will never happen again, consider working on your relationship without revealing the affair. Consider, though, the harm that painful secrets can have on a committed relationship. Should your committed partner learn of the affair from a source other than you this can amplify the pain of betrayal.
- Why did you feel the need to start a new relationship? Was this a momentary lapse of commitment, or are you dissatisfied in your relationship? Would you be happier to break it off permanently? It's not just up to your partner to decide whether or not to "take you back." If you have a history of multiple affairs consider that there is an addictive quality to your behavior. Individual counseling with a skilled therapist could help. There are also 12-step groups to help those who tend to be serial cheaters.
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3
End your affair the same way you end traditional relationships. Just because affairs might be somewhat outside the purview of traditional relationships doesn't mean you don't owe your affair partner the same courtesy and respect as a more formal relationship. If you choose to end it, do so respectfully, honestly, and in person. If you do it by phone allow your committed partner to listen if desired. Explain that you need to end all contact. You should not have email, phone conversations or lunches together. This would be treading into tempting territory and only serves to prolong the process. You may need to change phone numbers and email addresses to avoid all contact with the affair partner
- If your affair partner knows that you're in a committed relationship, it can be heartbreaking to have not "been chosen," even if that's not the way you're looking at the relationship. If you want to end a relationship with a person you committed an affair with, discuss it in terms of what doesn't work about that relationship, not in terms of your other marriage or committed relationship.
4
Don't leave the door open. Don't look for an easy way out of a relationship by leaving the door open with the possibility of getting back together. Don't try to suggest that you "might get together" if your marriage doesn't work out or that you'll "see what happens." If a relationship is over and it's worth ending, end it for good.^{[3]
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- If you're only ending an affair because you got caught, be thankful. Sometimes it takes a jolt to get out of the infatuation of the "affair fog." This allows you to step back and sincerely and respectfully examine both relationships.
5
Get screened for sexually transmitted diseases. If you were sexually active with more than one partner at the same time, it's very important that you get screened for sexually transmitted infections as soon as possible. For the safety of yourself and both partners, get tested.
- If you didn't practice safe sex during an affair, it's important that you tell your committed partner. Even if you're not experiencing symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases, it's still possible to pass STDs on to your partner. You owe it to your partner to come clean for the sake of their health.
6
Eliminate online photos and correspondence. Even if you're going to come clean, make sure that your partner doesn't accidentally come across racy photos, emails, or other social networking correspondence between you and the person involved in the affair. If you're going to work on reforging your relationship, these can be unnecessary little road-bumps that will keep that from happening. Avoid looking at online pornography.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Talking to Your Partner

1
Decide whether or not you'll come clean. While lots of relationship literature suggests that you need to come clean for every indiscretion, others feel the decision should depend on the nature of the affair, your commitment to your longterm partner, and a variety of other factors unique to the situation and the relationship itself. Keep in mind, though, that you have an obligation to respect the physical and emotional well-being of your primary partner.
- If your relationship is struggling, coming clean can help you improve the foundation of your commitment to one another, rebuilding the trust you might have once had, or it may end that relationship for good. Either way, you'll move away from a problematic relationship. Remember that having an affair is a choice; your primary partner did not cause it.
- If your relationship is good and you had a solitary indiscretion that was the result of circumstance, and you're committed to it never happening again, it may be more harmful to come clean about an affair. End it, be safe, and commit to your partner.
- If you're married, most people agree that it's better to tell your spouse about the affair and go about mending the relationship together, but many factors can and should play into this decision.
2
Keep it simple. There doesn't need to be an elaborate series of excuses if you're planning on coming clean. Just say, "There's no easy way to say this, but I need you to know that I had an affair. It's over, I deeply regret my behavior, and I want to work on rebuilding our relationship if you will have me. I know I have hurt you and I am truly sorry."
- Don't overshare. Coming clean about an affair doesn't need to get lurid. Your committed partner doesn't need to know the specifics of what you did with the other person, but you do need to let your partner know if they need to be tested for STDs. While it's not necessary to give a play-by-play of every detail of a sexual encounter, your partner will ask a lot of questions. Answer the questions in a respectful manner and do not lie.
3
Discuss your relationship with your committed partner. Your partner will be deeply hurt and it can take up to two years to heal your relationship. Be patient. Reassure your partner that it was not their fault. You may need to apologize many times. It your partner has episodes of emotional distress, this is common and not abnormal. Offer comfort and love and tell your partner you have recommitted and you're sorry for the pain you have caused. If you hope to work on your relationship, it's important to talk with your partner about how to repair the relationship. Focus on healing.
- It's common that your committed partner will be intensely angry, hurt, but also curious about the person you committed the affair with. Try to keep the conversation focused on your own relationship. If this proves difficult, find a relationship counselor who specializes in helping couples rebuild trust after an affair.
- Don't make excuses for your behavior. You don't need to make up fake reasons and elaborate excuses for why you did what you do. Give your partner the courtesy of telling the truth, so you can figure out how to move forward. They need you to understand the pain of betrayal. Empathy is healing to both of you.
4
Be sensitive to triggers, such as driving by a restaurant where you dined with your affair partner. Triggers can sometimes elicit strong emotions and stir up pain for your committed partner. If the affair happened in the marital bed consider the symbolic gesture of replacing the mattress and the bedding that was used.
5
Let your partner think about it. It's very difficult to know how to respond when someone tells you that you've been cheated on. It's important to give your partner some space, avoid forcing them to talk about it if they don't want to, and let them think it over.
- Find another place to stay for a few days if you need to, to let your partner think things over in peace. Keep in mind that although your partner is angry and hurt they may still need the comfort of your presence. Alternatively, your partner may want to leave. Let them .
- Don't force the issue. If your partner doesn't want to talk, you can't make them. It can sometimes take a while to figure out how to feel.
6
Consider couples therapy. It's common for couples who've experienced an affair to talk to an outside party about the situation. Couples therapy can be a good way to get a fresh perspective on the dynamics of the relationship, especially if you're in a long term relationship that's gone bad. If you want things to work, get help.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.}
7
The road to recovery will take some work.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.} If you've had an affair and hope to mend your relationship, stand in solidarity with your partner. Accept their grief as part of the process. You are helping them to bind their wounds. Do so with compassion and avoid becoming defensive, as this will stall communication and make recovery nearly impossible. Most couples who "do the work" after an affair have an even stronger relationship afterwards due to working in unison to put things back together.
- If you've had an affair, some couples think that allowing the cheated-on partner a "free card" to cheat once is a quick fix, but this more often makes the problem worse. Now you're dealing with two hurt partners instead of one. This won't fix the relationship.
- Trust is difficult to earn back, but it's definitely not impossible.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.}

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Addressing a Partner's Affair

1
Act in a way you'll be proud of. If you've discovered that your partner has been cheating on you, stop and take a breath. There may be tears by both partners. This is a normal and healthy part of the process. When everything calms down, you'll still have the same issues to deal with. Even though it'll be frustrating and painful to discover, try to give it some time.
- Avoid Jerry Springer scenarios. You don't need to employ hidden cameras, dramatic run-ins, or public humiliation to address your partner's affair. You're not on television. Act with dignity.
2
Talk to your partner calmly. If you have your suspicions that your partner has committed an affair and you want to know for sure, or if you're sure already and you want them to end it and start working on your relationship, confront your partner about it in a calm manner. Your partner will be more likely to tell the truth if you're as calm as possible. Be prepared that your partner may continue to be untruthful. Sometimes the truth comes out bit by bit.
- If you start yelling, it's more likely that your partner may try to pile on another lie to calm you down and get out of the conversation as easily as possible. If you want to know the truth, do it calmly. If you slip up, it's not the end of the world. This is a painful time. You are likely hurting. Tears are normal.
3
Decide whether or not you want to end the relationship. It can be very difficult to attempt to rebuild the trust of an affair, and all relationships won't be worth the effort. Decide whether or not you're willing to recommit to the relationship and try to start healing when the affair is over.
- If your partner is unwilling to end the affair, or hesitant in any way, you should consider ending the relationship. Protect yourself in this process. The love and support of family and friends will be vitally important.
4
Give it time. Your initial instincts may be surprising. You might experience anger, depression, and a whole host of other emotions all at once. You may even feel relieved that a relationship that was struggling can finally be over. Whatever you're experiencing, try to give yourself some time alone to process them. Don't rush into a decision.

Community Q&A

Question

I discovered that my partner of 20 years was planning to have an affair. I confronted her and we agreed to try a day at a time, but I feel I "talked her off the roof." What can I do?

HumanBeing

Top Answerer

Do what you've agreed to do, and try it a day at a time. You have averted disaster; well done, but there's a chance things will come to a head again. Wait for as long as you can before you talk to your partner again about whether or not she still wants to have an affair. Celebrate a significant occasion together as soon as you can; your anniversary would be the best, but any occasion is good make it special for you both as a couple.
Question

Should I tell my husband I cheated on him 5 years ago?

Tom De Backer

Top Answerer

Of course. You are equals, and every conversation you had since was between unequal people, because you have more information than he does. He may think that sweet lovely thing you did for him 5 years ago was out of sheer love, where you know it was a sudden outburst of guilt. That unbalance is simply unfair; it puts you above him, reducing him to the level of a child, when he is of course an adult. This is why cheating ends relationships: not the sex, but the unbalance. It won't be fun and your marriage could end, but you don't want to be with someone with whom you're not equal.
Question

My partner threatens and abuses me. What can I do?

Community Answer

Leave - abusive relationships only get worse, not better. Notify the police or a domestic abuse shelter to help you get away. There are some good tips in wikiHow article Leave an Abusive Relationship.

Warnings

Avoid lashing out, becoming aggressive, withdrawing or assuming a victim role in attempts to put an end to a significant other's affair, as this may only drive your partner further away.

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