How to Find out if Your Husband Is Cheating

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Last Updated: December 28, 2022 Approved

No one will argue that it is incredibly painful to consider the possibility of your husband cheating on you. However, if you have reasons to suspect that he is cheating—or think you do—then it is time to start looking for the signs that he is being unfaithful. The longer you put off dealing with this devastating situation, the worse you will feel if you find out he has not been honest with you. If you want to know if your husband has been cheating on you, then you should look at what he says and does around you, and pay attention to what has changed. If you want to know whether he is cheating, just follow these steps.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Notice What He Does

1
Look for a change in your man’s sex drive. There are two changes to look for here. The more obvious one is that if your man is seeing someone else, he may not be excited about sex anymore. If your sex life has been dwindling for a while, then not having much sex doesn’t mean your man is cheating, but if he used to be excited about getting into bed with you and isn’t anymore, it may be a sign that he’s getting it elsewhere.
- Another change you may notice is that suddenly your man has an insatiable sexual appetite. This may mean that his sex drive has become more intense because he’s sleeping with another lady.
- See what he’s like in bed. Is he suddenly much more adventurous than before? Has he always stuck to the same routine and is he now trying to spice things up every time you get into bed? He may be getting his moves from another woman.
- You should also see if he’s suddenly shy with his body around you and doesn’t want you to see him with his shirt off. If he only wants to have sex in the dark, then it may be because he does not feel right about sharing his body with two women.
2
See if your man is suddenly showering you with kindness. He may be much nicer to you because he feels guilty for being unfaithful. If he’s been distant or uncommunicative, or if he just isn’t a very demonstrative person, but he’s suddenly being very kind and sweet, and always telling you nice things, then it may be because he’s trying to compensate for seeing someone on the side.
- But then again, he could just be being nicer because you are going through a rough patch and he is trying to make it up to you.
- If he suddenly brings you flowers, chocolate, and sweet cards, he could just be trying to be bringing back that loving feeling. Alternatively, he may be compensating for cheating.
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3
See if he is suddenly much more helpful. If your husband is not normally too handy around the house, but now he’s doing the dishes, doing the grocery shopping, or even doing the cooking, then something may be up. He’s certainly trying to compensate for something, and it may be cheating.
- But again, maybe he’s just trying to be nice suddenly, or wants something else from you as a result. Still, when he completely changes his household habits, you should be on the alert.
4
Look for changes in your man’s mood. If your man is usually moody and is suddenly walking on sunshine, or if he’s normally stable and now goes through erratic ups and downs, then something may be up. If he’s grinning ear to ear and looking off into the distance like he’s thinking of someone else, then his good mood may have nothing to do with you.
- Also, look out if he storms home and looks upset, and then tries to blame it on work or something that never made him upset before.
- If you see his mood change after he takes a “quick phone call” or reads a text, then another woman may be the reason.
5
See if he’s changed his habits around his phone. If he used to leave his phone out on the table for hours, or if he was the type of man who would leave the house and forget his phone all the time, but suddenly he and his phone are inseparable, then something may be up. If he never leaves his phone out anymore, panics when he can’t find his phone, and doesn’t check his texts around you or just acts every shady around his phone, then you may have reason to worry.
- If he suddenly put a password on his phone but never cared for privacy before, then something may be up.
- If he steps out to take a phone call and comes back looking either upset, excited, or apologetic, you may start to wonder who’s on the other line.
- If you walk in when he’s on the phone and he abruptly ends the conversation, then he may be talking to another woman.
- If he used to be diligent about answering his phone, and now you can go hours without getting in touch with him, then he may be spending that time with another woman.
- If he shuts off his phone for hours and he never used to do that, it is not a good sign.
6
Check out his behavior near his computer. If he never cared for the computer much before, but is suddenly spending all of his time online, it may be because of another woman. If he stays up late on the computer after you’ve gone to bed suddenly, or if he abruptly shuts his computer when you walk in, it’s a bad sign.
- If you see him on the computer, and his face suddenly lights up, as if he’s talking to a crush, then it may mean he's cheating.
- If he does not go on the computer when you are in the room, then he may not want you to see what is on the screen.
7
Pay attention to his excuses. If you and your husband spent most of your free time together, and he's suddenly never around for suspicious reasons, then he may be spending his time with another lady. If he's always having a "guy's night," spending every night late at work, or has suddenly found a passion for a new sport and is spending all of his free time at the gym, then he may be using these excuses to get away with his mistress.
- Of course, he could genuinely have picked up a love for a new sport, or he may really have to stay late at work every night, but if he's never done either of these things before and has shown several other suspicious signs, then it may mean that he's cheating.
8
Notice what he says. Several things that your man can say may indicate that he is cheating on you. Here are some things to look out for:
- If he used to compliment you all the time, but never compliments you anymore, it may be because he is thinking of someone else.
- If he wasn't much of a sweet talker before, but is always suddenly complementing you, he may be doing it to compensate for being with someone else.
- If he just sounds different, using words you've never heard before, laughing in a new way, or just phrasing his words differently, he may have picked this up from another lady.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Notice His Appearance

1
Look for a change in your man’s grooming habits. If your man was never an obsessive shaver or hair-cutter and now he’s always shaving his face, maintaining his hair, and checking himself out in the mirror, then he may be getting ready for another woman.
- You should also check to see if he’s starting to shower more often, especially if he does it right when he comes home. This may be because he wants to wash another lady’s scent off of him as soon as possible.
2
See if he’s paying more attention to his body. If your man never cared much about his physique before, but he’s suddenly going to the gym every day, running, or lifting weights in the basement, this may mean that he’s trying to get his body in shape for another lady.
- Of course, you should consider other factors: maybe he is having a mid-life crisis and wants to look good again, or maybe he just became motivated to care more about his body.
- You should also look out to see if he is suddenly obsessed with his diet. This could also indicate that he is paying a lot of attention to his body for another woman.
3
See if he smells different. This is a big red flag. If your man smells different suddenly, it may be because his body chemistry has changed from being with another woman. And if he just smells like perfume, girly lotion, or anything else feminine, then this definitely says that he’s been spending time with another woman.
4
Notice his body language. Your husband's body language can also say a lot about whether he is cheating on you. Even if he says the right things, his body could betray him. Here are some signs that something has changed for him:
- Note the amount of eye contact he gives you. If he used to always look into your eyes when you spoke but now always looks away, he may be doing it out of guilt.
- Note a lack of affection. If he used to kiss you, hug you, put his arm around you, and let you know how much he cared through his touches but never touches you any more, then something may be up.
- See if he turns away from you when you are talking. If he crosses his arms, turns away from you, and does not face you with his body, then he may be retreating because he is uncomfortable.
- Notice if he shows you affection when you are alone, but not when you go out. If he is all over you when you are home but he is distant the second you step out the door, it may be because he is afraid his mistress will catch him with another woman.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Find Out if He's Cheating

1
Look through his things. Though looking through your husband's things is a quick way to break his trust, if you are sure he is cheating and want concrete evidence, you can try this maneuver. If you really want to know if he's cheating, here are some places to look:
- His phone. If he's savvy, you won't be able to find evidence of him cheating on your phone. But if he's not, you can look for an exchange with a woman you've never heard of. He may even not have plugged his mistress' number in his phone -- look for texts and calls to unidentified numbers.
- Search his computer. If you really want to know if he is cheating, check out his email or Facebook messages. You can wait for him to step away from his computer when he is logged into email. If he also has started meticulously deleting his emails, that can be a sign that he is hiding something from you.
- Search through his stuff. Go through his suitcase, desk, wallet, or even the pockets of his pants for clues.
- Check his bank statements. Look out for any time he has spent large sums of money at a restaurant you have never heard of. Check out the dates and think about where he said he was; if he said he was working late one night but spent a lot of money on a fancy dinner right then, which is a reason to worry.
2
Follow him. If you are afraid to ask if he is cheating or have not found enough evidence, you can try following him to see where he really goes. Again, this is another way to lose his trust very quickly. Here are some ways to pull this off:
- Don't follow him in your own car. Borrow a friend's car so he does not notice that you are behind him.
- Keep a safe distance. Whether you are on foot or in a vehicle, don't get too close, or he'll spot you.
- Check in on him when he is not expecting it. If he says he's working overtime or watching the game at a friend's house, "drop in" unexpectedly and see if he's really there. Just make sure you have a good excuse for why you just showed up.
3
Ask if he is cheating. After you have seen enough signs that he is not being faithful, it will be time to talk to your husband about it. Though the conversation will be painful, it's better not to delay it if you really want to have the truth. Here's how you can find a way to ask your husband if he's being unfaithful:
- Ask him when he's not expecting it. As long as you are in a private place, you can have the conversation. Don't tell him you want to have a big talk, or he may know exactly what you have in mind and will already be prepared to make excuses.
- Tell him that you want the truth. Remind him that he is not doing you any favors by being dishonest.
- Show him that he is really hurting you. Let him see how upset the idea of him being unfaithful makes you.

Community Q&A

Question

How can I catch my husband if he was found on Match.com?

Community Answer

Well, if you've caught him on Match.com, you already know that he's trying to cheat. I think that's all the proof you need.
Question

I've caught my husband cheating several times and he trivializes. I try to forgive because of my children, and he just tells me to "do your worst". What can I do?

Community Answer

He is using your forgiving and understanding nature to do whatever he pleases. Also, he may be hoping that you will indeed "do your worst" and leave him, so he can feel good about going to be with the other woman. If he has continually cheated, he is not likely to change. If you don't want to be married to a cheater, you should make plans to separate.
Question

After promising to stop, my husband continues to cheat on me. What should I do?

Community Answer

Leave him. You can do better with someone who will respect, love, and care about your feelings and well-being.