How to Stop Being Jealous of Your Partner's Ex

Co-authored by Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: August 26, 2022 References

Jealousy in a relationship is totally normal, but it’s still a really painful experience—especially when it’s directed at your partner’s ex. Looking at the ex’s photos and life updates can make you forget what an amazing, talented person you are. Remember, your partner chose to be with you for a reason! Fortunately, we can help you let go of your jealousy so you can just enjoy your relationship. Keep reading for a list of ways you can stop being jealous of your partner’s ex.

1

Stop comparing yourself to your partner’s ex.

Comparisons will always make you feel bad about yourself. All you’re seeing is the ex’s highlights, so you’re not getting the full picture of them. Leave the past in the past, and don’t worry about why your partner liked their ex. Focus on yourself and your relationship. In time, this can help you stop feeling so jealous.^{[1]
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- It’s common to look at your partner’s ex and notice all of their best qualities. However, you probably won’t see their faults. At the same time, it’s easy to be critical of yourself. This is a recipe for disaster! Get off the comparison cycle.

2

Unfollow or block the ex’s social media profiles.

This will stop you from finding things to be jealous over. Their social media isn’t worth your time, so stop looking at their posts.^{[2]
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Research source} When you feel tempted to check up on them, look at your own account instead. Remind yourself of the great things in your life and scroll through the recent photos of you and your partner.
- If your partner’s profile has old photos up, don’t scroll that far back. Leave all that in the past.
- You might ask a friend to support you if it’s hard to stop checking the profiles. That way, you can text your friend when you’re feeling tempted so they can talk you out of it.
- If you're having trouble stopping, take a break from social media so you aren't tempted. Plan some fun activities with your friends or work on a hobby to distract yourself from social media.

3

List your strengths to pump up your confidence.

You are amazing, and it’s time you remembered that.^{[3]
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Research source} List all the things you love about yourself, as well as your past accomplishments. Additionally, stand in front of the mirror and point out your most attractive features, or look at your favorite photos of yourself.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
National Health Service (UK)
Public healthcare system of the UK
Go to source} You are a total catch, and don’t forget that!
- Ask your friends or loved ones to tell you what they love about you. Write these things down so you won’t forget that you’re wonderful.
- Let your partner tell you why they love you. You could ask, “What’s your favorite thing about me?” or “What made you fall in love with me?”

4

Take time to calm down before acting.

This can save your relationship! Jealousy can trigger bad decisions, so take the time to sit with those emotions and calm yourself down. Resist the urge to confront your partner or engage in snooping behaviors, like stalking their ex online or checking your partner’s phone. Wait until you feel calm before you talk to your partner.^{[5]
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- You could also distract yourself by spending time with a friend or doing something you enjoy.
- Feeling jealous is a painful experience, and you don’t deserve to feel this way. Fortunately, this feeling will pass.

5

Vent to someone you trust to get out your feelings.

Release your feelings of jealousy and get support from a friend. Choose someone you know will listen without criticism and will build you up. Tell them you need support, then explain how you’re feeling. Listen to any kind comments they have for you.^{[6]
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- You might say, “I can’t stop thinking about how attractive and smart Sam’s ex is. She's the total package. What if I’m not as good as her?”
- For another option, you could say, “Last night I saw photos of Alex’s ex on her phone. Now, I’m worried Alex regrets their breakup.”

6

Identify what’s causing your jealousy.

Finding the root of your jealousy will help you fix it. Start by digging into your past to see if a cheating or emotionally unavailable ex may have made you feel insecure. Then, examine your current relationship to find reasons you feel vulnerable.^{[7]
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Research source} Here are some reasons you might feel jealous:
- You’re afraid your partner might go back to their ex.
- Your ex cheated on you, so you worry your current partner will, too.
- You don't feel confident about yourself, so you worry your partner won't see your value.
- Your partner cheated on their ex with you, so you know they're capable of cheating.

7

Talk to your partner about how you feel.

This can put your mind at ease if you’re feeling insecure. Tell them you’re worried about their past relationship. Use "I" statements so your partner doesn't feel like they need to be on the defensive. Then, listen to what your partner has to say.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Work on trusting them when they say they’re committed to your relationship.^{[9]
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- Say something like, "I'm so happy I met you, and I'm having so much fun with you. Lately, I've been feeling a little insecure about your ex. I know you're not still seeing them, but I was hoping we could talk about what ended your relationship."
- If your partner did something to make you suspicious, be specific about what bothered you. You could say, “I feel like you've been talking about your ex a lot recently. It makes me worry about our relationship. Is there a reason you’re talking about them?”
- If your partner is sending you mixed signals, tell them that. Say something like, “I've noticed you talk to your ex on the phone every day. I thought your relationship was over. Do I need to be worried?" It may be best to re-examine your relationship if your partner isn’t committing fully to you.

8

Find out why your partner’s past relationship ended.

Knowing why they broke up can put your mind at ease. There’s a reason they aren’t with their ex! Ask your partner what went wrong in the relationship. Then, listen to what they have to say. Trust your partner to tell you the truth. When you start feeling jealous again, remind yourself that there’s a reason they broke up.^{[10]
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- Say something like, “We never talked about why you broke up with Angel. What went wrong?” or “I know you and your ex had a mutual breakup, but what triggered it?”
- Only ask about their past relationship once, and keep your questions minimal. You might ask, “Why did you and your ex break up?” Resist the urge to interrogate your partner because that can harm your relationship.^{[11]
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9

Spend more time with your partner to build your connection.

Strengthening your relationship can help you feel more secure. You deserve a happy, intimate relationship. Create a routine with your partner so you see each other often and enjoy regular date nights. Additionally, try new things together so you can make memories. Focus on the future you have together, not on the past.^{[12]
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- For example, you might have date night every Friday night.
- Stay in contact with your partner between dates. Send each other memes, check up on each other, and ask each other personal questions to build intimacy. You could ask things like, “What 5 things would you bring to a deserted island?” “What’s your dream vacation?” or “What’s your best holiday memory?”

10

Be honest about how you feel.

Accepting your feelings will help you stop dwelling on your ex’s past. Don’t feel bad about being jealous of your partner’s ex because it’s very common. Give yourself permission to feel this way.^{[13]
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Research source} Speak kindly to yourself as you process these emotions.
- Use positive self-talk. You could say to yourself, “It’s okay to feel jealous right now. In time, these feelings will fade,” or “Everyone gets insecure sometimes. What I’m feeling is totally normal.”^{[14]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
  Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
  Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}

11

Talk to a therapist if you can’t stop feeling jealous.

Therapy can help you deal with pervasive jealousy that won’t go away. You might not be able to overcome jealousy on your own, and that’s okay. If jealousy is interfering with your happiness, make an appointment with a therapist to get help.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} They can help you change the way you think.^{[16]
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- You can find a therapist online.
- If you have insurance, contact them for a list of therapists in your network.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I be OK with my partner being friends with his ex?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

Check-in with yourself regularly. Is there an objective reason for you to be concerned here? Is there something going on, or are you sort of suspicious about something else? If your worries are more internally-driven, consider being upfront with your partner about how you're feeling. You could say "Hey, you know what? I feel this way. I don't want to feel this way. I have no reason to suspect you're doing anything wrong, but this is where I'm coming from."
Question

Is it OK to ask your partner to stop talking to their ex?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

It depends on the situation—have they been friends for a long time since breaking up, or did they just recently reconnect? Are they co-parenting a child together? Whatever the circumstances, you have a right to your feelings and you can share them with your partner. First, have a conversation about how you both feel, and then from there you'll be in a better position to decide what course of action to take.