How to Stop Being Insecure About Your Girlfriend

Co-authored by Susan Pazak, PhD and Glenn Carreau

Last Updated: March 3, 2022 References

Feeling insecure about your relationship? You can take steps to turn those feelings around, whether you're dealing with jealousy, unhealthy comparisons, or trust issues. By addressing your fears and building up your self-esteem, you will be able to overcome the anxieties that are holding you back. The tips below will help you stop being insecure about your girlfriend so you can truly enjoy the relationship!

1

Figure out the cause of your insecurity.

The first step to addressing insecurity is knowing where it comes from.^{[1]
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Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.} Think about the events and conversations in your relationship that make you feel insecure about your girlfriend. Why did you feel that way? Did she say something that made you feel insecure, or has your insecurity been present since before meeting her? Once you know why you’re feeling insecure you can address the problem.^{[2]
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- Learn to let go of the past and trust yourself again if a past relationship is affecting your ability to trust your partner.
- You might get insecure when comparing yourself to your girlfriend’s exes. Building up your self-esteem and learning to value your good qualities will ease those insecurities.
- You can address jealousy problems by communicating with your girlfriend and letting her know what you need from her in the future.
- If your insecurity makes you clingy with your girlfriend, you can practice giving her space and taking a step back when you overthink.

2

Talk to your girlfriend about your insecurities.

The key to a healthy and long-lived relationship is communication.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.} Have a conversation with your girlfriend about your insecurities once you identify them. While she cannot fix your insecurities, she can provide you with support and understanding as you work to overcome them.^{[4]
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Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.} Be open and honest with one another, as confiding your fears will also strengthen your relationship.^{[5]
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- If your girlfriend’s actions have somehow caused you to feel insecure, you can still be honest with her about your feelings.
- Use “I” statements to focus on how you feel and not on blaming her. For example, “You’re inconsiderate, and you don’t make any time for me!” could be rephrased to become, “I feel lonely when you don’t call or text me.”
- You can also communicate to prevent future conflicts. For example: “I’ve been feeling a little insecure when you spend time with friends and don’t invite me, but I’m working on controlling my jealousy. I don’t want it to come between us.” Be confident with who you are and what you think. Respect and trust and know your own thoughts, needs and wants.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Susan Pazak, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.}

3

Tell your girlfriend what you want.

Setting up boundaries can help you feel more secure. Talk to your girlfriend and explain your expectations and limits for the relationship. Speak with directives instead of with questions.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.} You and your girlfriend may not agree on everything, but it’s important to know where you agree, where you can compromise, and what both of you consider to be absolute dealbreakers.^{[8]
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- Make your requests reasonable. It's not healthy to tell your girlfriend that you don't want her to hang out with her friends, but you can tell her that you feel excluded and work with her to find a compromise.
- If you don't like your girlfriend hanging out with her ex, express your feelings instead of making demands. When she knows you're uncomfortable, she can make an informed decision on whether to keep spending time with them.

4

Recognize your best qualities.

Identify the qualities that make you a desirable partner for your girlfriend. When one partner feels unworthy of their lover, they may experience relationship insecurities. You can overcome those feelings by writing a list of all the qualities that make you a wonderful partner.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.} By focusing on the positive reasons your girlfriend is with you, you will be less likely to worry about your shortcomings.^{[10]
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- Are you kind? Funny? Trustworthy? Do you make her feel loved? Any of those qualities are great to have in a relationship and ones that your girlfriend probably values a lot!
- Keep this list to remind yourself that you have a lot to offer your girlfriend. And if she or someone else intentionally makes you feel like you’re not enough, it’s their loss—not yours.

5

Build your self-esteem.

Practice self-care and compassion to build up your self-esteem.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.} Start simple and boost your self-esteem by eating well, wearing clothes that make you feel good, paying attention to your hygiene, and getting enough sleep. Set realistic goals so you feel great about yourself when you accomplish them. Take things one step at a time; be kind to yourself and reward yourself when you meet your goals.^{[12]
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- Once you get into comfortable patterns, start thinking of other activities that make you feel better about yourself. Indulge your aspirations, whether you’ve wanted to try a new artistic hobby or get back into shape.
- Low self-esteem is a common reason for relationship insecurities. If you have confidence, you can be your own cheerleader without relying on a girlfriend for all of your validation.
- Eliminate thinking about perceived defects of character and weaknesses from your life. When we think we have a weakness, we usually project those thoughts onto others and believe that they think the same thoughts.^{[13]
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  Susan Pazak, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 22 February 2022.}

6

Limit the amount of time you spend on social media.

Too much social media negatively affects your mood and self-image. Social media is a fun way to stay connected to the world around you. However, it can also make you feel isolated, anxious, and inadequate. Seeing only the highlights of other peoples’ lives will make you insecure about the quality of your own life. You don’t have to stop using social media! Settle for controlling the amount of time you spend on it.^{[14]
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- For instance, pay attention to how you feel as you scroll through your accounts. If you start making comparisons, feeling depressed, or getting jealous, then make a point to log off for the day.
- If certain social media accounts will only make you feel insecure (like an ex’s social media), unfollow or block the account as needed.
- Think about all the good things in your life and remember that just because someone else’s life may look better, that doesn’t mean they’re happier in reality.

7

Learn to trust yourself and your girlfriend.

Trust is an essential part of every healthy relationship. Make sure both of you are following through on your promises, being accountable for your actions, and being emotionally available for one another. Trusting your girlfriend doesn’t mean you have to trust blindly, so if your instincts say something is wrong, examine her behavior. A trustworthy partner’s words and actions will speak for themselves.^{[15]
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- If your girlfriend has proven herself to be trustworthy, then you’ll know your insecurities are wrong after all, and you can finally put them to rest.

8

Take a step back when you overthink.

Overthinking is a common side-effect of being insecure. Press pause when you catch yourself worrying about what your girlfriend is thinking. Take a step back, disengage with those thoughts, and trust that she’ll tell you if something is wrong. Learn to enjoy the time you spend with her instead of worrying. It’s easy to make assumptions about her behavior, but remember that you may not know the full story.^{[16]
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- For instance, your girlfriend may decide she doesn’t feel like going out on a day that you were supposed to grab dinner and drinks. There’s no need to assume you’ve done something wrong! She may be tired or had a bad day at work.
- Instead of assuming, ask her if everything is all right. Take what your girlfriend says at face value rather than over-analyzing her thoughts and feelings.

9

Let go of the past.

Past relationships that ended badly can add to your insecurities. Maybe your ex criticized you all the time or was unfaithful. Talk about your past to a trusted friend, family member, or even your girlfriend; once you’ve let out your feelings, it’s easier to let them go and stop them from complicating your current relationship.
- Remember that your current girlfriend isn’t the same person as the one who hurt you, and you don’t need to let an ex interfere with your bright future together.^{[17]
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10

Give yourself and your girlfriend space.

You both need enough space to be independent people. Manage your well-being by taking time for yourself when you need it and allowing her to do the same. Spend time with friends and family, and keep those relationships strong. Make time for the solo hobbies that you enjoy—and remember that your girlfriend will also have activities she wants to do by herself.^{[18]
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- It's possible to commit to your girlfriend and still be your own person. You’ll feel more secure in the relationship when you don’t rely on it to fulfill all of your needs!

11

Talk to a therapist.

There’s no shame in seeking help to overcome your insecurities. While friends, family, and your girlfriend may all be good confidantes, therapists have the training to fully understand your problems and recommend solutions or strategies to deal with them. Find a therapist you feel comfortable trusting and opening up to, and one that has the training to meet your needs.^{[19]
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- Joint therapy has also proven to help couples communicate with one another. Ask your girlfriend if she would be open to seeing a therapist with you.
- Getting couple’s therapy doesn’t mean your relationship is in bad shape. It just means there are aspects of the relationship you want to improve and are willing to put in the effort to do so, which is admirable!

Expert Q&A

Question

Why am I possessive over my girlfriend?

Susan Pazak, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach
Dr. Susan Pazak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. With more than 21 years of experience, she specializes in treating adolescents and adults with psychological issues using cognitive behavioral therapy, symptom reduction skills, and behavior modification techniques. She has been featured in numerous media outlets and shows, including “My Strange Addiction". Dr. Pazak holds a BA in Psychology with a minor in Communications from The University of Pittsburgh, an MA in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University, and a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University.

Susan Pazak, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach

Expert Answer

There could be trust issues at play! Security in a relationship requires trust in the person that you're in a relationship with; even more importantly, it requires us to be secure with who we are as people.