How to Say No to Sex

Co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 26, 2023

It can be tough to tell someone you like that you don’t want to have sex. Whether you’re waiting until marriage, feel like you aren’t ready yet, or you’re simply not in the mood, turning down sex should feel easy and comfortable with the right partner. Here are a few ways you can say no to sex without feeling guilty or pressured to give in.

1

Just say “no.”

No is a full sentence, and you never have to explain yourself. If you don’t feel comfortable having sex, simply tell your partner, significant other, or spouse no. Feel free to follow up with an explanation if you want to, but you don’t have to.^{[1]
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- The best way to say “no” is to look into your partner’s eyes and say it clearly and firmly. Be confident when you say it so they know you won’t be swayed.
- For example, if your partner starts to go a little further than you’re comfortable with, you can pull back and say “please stop” or “no.”
- Or, if your significant other asks if you want to head to the bedroom, just say, “not right now.”

2

Explain why you’re waiting to have sex.

If you aren’t ready to have sex, tell your partner why. While they should always respect your decision, they might find it easier to understand if you let them in on your reasoning. You can tell your partner this at the beginning of a new relationship so they know where you’re coming from.^{[2]
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- For example, “I’m actually waiting until marriage to have sex. It’s important to me and to my faith.”
- Or, “I’m just not ready to have sex yet. I feel like I’m still a little too young.”
- Or, “I’d like to be in a committed relationship before we have sex. We don’t have to be married, but I’d love it if we were at least monogamous.”

3

Tell them how far you’re willing to go.

Update your partner on what you’re comfortable with. Even if you’re not ready to have sex yet, you might want to kiss, make out, or cuddle. Be upfront and honest about what you’d like to happen.^{[3]
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- You could say something like, “Hey, so I’m not ready to go all the way just yet. I’m down to make out a little bit, though.”
- Or, “I really like you, I’m just not comfortable with having sex just yet. Could we just cuddle and watch a movie?”

4

Tell them why you aren’t in the mood.

This can help avoid any hurt feelings with your partner. If your stomach hurts, if you’re stressed, or if you simply had a bad day, you might not be feeling your absolute best. Tell your partner why you don’t want to have sex tonight for reassurance that it’s you, not them.^{[4]
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- Try something like, “Hey, I’m having super bad cramps and I just don’t really feel good. Maybe we can have sex tomorrow.”
- Or, “I’d really like to just chill and watch a movie tonight. It’s nothing to do with you, I just had a bad day at work.”

5

Give advanced notice.

Sometimes you can tell you’re not going to be in the mood later. If you’re out on a date with a long-term partner and you’re having a good time, they might assume you’d like to have sex later. You can tell them now that you aren’t in the mood so they don’t try anything.^{[5]
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- Say something like, “I’m having a super good time with you tonight. I just wanted to let you know that I’m probably not going to be in the mood later because I’m on my period.”

6

Postpone sex for a later time.

Set a loose timeframe for when you could have sex in the future. Obviously, you don’t have to stick to this schedule if you don’t want to, but try to plan ahead slightly for when you might be available. Try to keep it sometime in the near future to let your partner know you’re still interested.^{[6]
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- Say something like, “Hey, how about we have sex tomorrow? I have the day off, so I’ll have way more energy.”
- Or, “Could we pick this back up in a day or two?”

7

Suggest a different activity.

Do something else to connect as a couple besides having sex. If you aren’t in the mood but you still want to chill, throw something else out there that you two could do. You could watch a movie, play a board game, or even cuddle.^{[7]
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- You could say, “I’m not really in the mood tonight. Do you want to cuddle with me on the couch and watch a movie?”
- Or, “Maybe we could have sex later. I’d love to play a board game with you, though!”

8

Ask them to respect your decision.

If you feel pressured, tell your partner that. Sometimes, people asking for sex aren’t aware of how pushy they sound. If your partner continues to ask even after you’ve said no, say something like:^{[8]
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- “It makes me uncomfortable when you don’t respect my boundaries.”
- “We’ve talked about this before and I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop asking. When I’m ready, I’ll let you know.”

9

Leave the situation if you feel threatened.

If someone continuously pressures you, it’s time to go. While they might not be violent, asking for sex repeatedly and trying to convince you is a form of sexual coercion, and it’s never okay. If you can, leave the situation and go somewhere else, like a friend’s house.^{[9]
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- If you’re young, call a trusted adult to come and pick you up.

10

End the relationship if you continuously feel pressured.

Partners should always respect each other’s boundaries. If your partner won’t take no for an answer or makes you feel bad about not having sex, they aren’t a good person. It may be time to break up with them and move on.^{[10]
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- If you don’t feel safe breaking up with your partner, call a trusted friend or family member for help.

Expert Q&A

Question

I used to be very sexual with my partner because I felt I had to, though recently I've decided I don't want to do that anymore. How can I transition the relationship from a sexual to a nonsexual one?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

This can often be difficult and challenging. Try to begin by discussing it outside the bedroom. Explain your feelings, and then ask your partner how they feel. Once you feel you have the right to say "no" you might find that you notice your own sexual arousal more. Feeling you have to say "yes" gets in the way of your arousal pattern.
Question

What if I don't have sex anytime in my life?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

That is up to you! How much or how little sex you have or want is an individual decision. Just examine your thoughts and feelings on the subject and make sure you understand them. If you want sex, but avoid it, you might consider discussing this with a therapist.