How to Respond when Your Friend Says Something Offensive

Co-authored by Katie Styzek

Last Updated: October 24, 2022 References

Offensive comments are always jarring, especially when they come from someone you love and trust. If a friend said something offensive to you, you are within your right to address it. Carefully evaluate the situation to decide on your approach and then calmly and respectfully explain the issue to your friend. In the future, hopefully the two of you can move forward and your friend will learn to choose their words more wisely.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Responding in the Moment

1
Repeat their words. Sometimes, people may not realize what their words sound like. Someone may have said something offhand, without paying too much attention, and inadvertently made an offensive remark. If your friend hears their words repeated, they may recognize that they screwed up.^{[1]
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- For example, if someone asks you, "So, what are you?". You can respond by saying something like, "Wait, 'What are you?'"
2
Question what they said. It can help to force the speaker to rethink their choices. Ask them, sincerely, what they meant by the statement. If they have to answer that question, they may realize the unfortunate implications of their language.^{[2]
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- For example, a friend says something like, "That guy doesn't act like other gay people I've met." Respond with, "What do you mean by that? What do gay people tend to act like?"
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3
Respond with silence. Sometimes, silence is the best response. If someone says something offensive, simply respond by not saying anything for a few seconds and then walk away. This may help the person get the hint.^{[3]
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4
Consult the person offended. If an offensive comment is not about you personally, you may want to consult with the person potentially offended before stepping in. After an offensive comment, scan the room to see if you notice anyone flinching or frowning. Later, you can ask the person who seemed upset if you should say something.^{[4]
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- For example, you notice a friend who's Mexican-American flinch after another friend makes a comment about Mexican workers at the cafeteria. When you have a moment to talk to that person alone, say, "Hey, I noticed Jim's comment seemed to bother you. I know him pretty well, so I can talk to him if you want."
- If the person who the comment affected asks you to not do anything you should respect the person's wishes.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Evaluating the Situation

1
Decide whether it's worth speaking up. Weigh the benefits of addressing the issue. If the stakes are high enough that you can't get the comment out of your head, you should certainly bring it up. However, sometimes addressing an issue can create unnecessary conflict.^{[5]
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Harvard Business Review
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- Think about how close you are to this person. A very close friend would probably be receptive if you confronted them about an offensive remark, but a casual acquaintance may feel attacked. If it's someone who's just in your friends group that you're not close to, it may be best to just let it go.
- Also, consider how often you are around the person. If the person is someone you work with or spend lots of time around for another reason, then it is important to let them know that the comments bothered you because they will likely bring them up again.
- However, never let an issue go if a comment felt truly prejudiced. Even unintentionally offensive comments are worth bringing up as you should do your part to fight prejudice in the world.
2
Recognize your friend may be ignorant. Ignorance is not an excuse, but recognizing a friend's ignorance can help you better address the situation. A friend may just have never considered a particular perspective before, leading to them saying the wrong thing. Think about how to best educate the person if you believe they acted in ignorance.^{[6]
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- For example, maybe you're bisexual and your friend made a comment about you being "half gay and half straight." Many people don't realize bisexual people see their sexuality as its own identity. Your friend may have thought this comment was a helpful way of helping you articulate your sexuality.
3
Acknowledge your friend may not have meant to offend you. Most of the time, when friends offend, they are not doing so maliciously. Oftentimes, people make a comment with the intent of being helpful or funny without realizing they've hurt another person. While this is not an excuse, giving your friend the benefit of the doubt can help you approach the situation calmly. See talking it out as a means to let your friend know the right ways to communicate with you.^{[7]
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- Saying something like, "I know you mean well." or "Your right on points xyz." can make someone more receptive.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Addressing the Comment

1
Have a script ahead of time. It can be stressful to confront anyone, especially when a trusted friend hurt you. Jot down the general idea of what you want to say and rehearse in front of a mirror a few times. This can help you stay calm and get your words out when it's time for the actual confrontation.^{[8]
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- Consider writing an email, text or letter. It's often easier for people to get their thoughts down in writing than verbally.
2
Talk to your friend privately. Do not address the issue in front of other people. Make sure that you can talk to your friend one-on-one without anyone overhearing your conversation. You could invite your friend to have a cup of coffee with you or meet with them in a closed room or office.
- Try saying something like, “I was hoping we could talk about something. Do you have some time to talk privately?”
3
Bring up the issue calmly. Get straight to the point when you talk to your friend. Rather than beating around the bush, tell them you want to talk about the comment they made and how and why it offended you.^{[9]
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- For example, start the conversation by saying, "I've been thinking about what you said yesterday about my sexuality. I know you probably didn't mean anything by it, but it kind of bothered me and I wanted to talk about it."
4
Treat your friend as a potential ally. Remember, your friend is your friend for a reason. Chances are, they're a potential ally in the situation. If your friend cares about you, they probably don't want to offend you. Treat them like a potential ally who made a mistake rather than an aggressor.^{[10]
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- For example, say, "A lot of times, straight people don't really understand bisexuality. I know you weren't trying to be hurtful, so I just want you to understand me a little better."
5
Share why the comment bothered you. Remember, the goal is to educate your friend. It's therefore important your friend understands why the comment was disrespectful. This way, they won't make similarly offensive remarks in the future.^{[11]
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- For example, say, "I prefer to define my own sexuality and I don't need you to explain it for me. Also, bisexual people don't really see themselves as half-gay and half-straight. We have our own identity."
- Consider offering resources for them if they have further questions or offer to answer any questions they may have (if you're comfortable, remember that it's not your responsibility to educate).
6
Criticize the comment, not the person. During the conversation, make sure you don't come off as accusing your friend of being hateful or bigoted. Don’t blame them or be too defensive either. Use “I” statements to ensure that you are only expressing your perspective. Even if your friend is prejudiced, they may react poorly if they feel personally attacked. Try to address the comment in a calm, objective way instead of attacking their character.^{[12]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source}
- For example, don't say, "I felt like you were being biphobic." Instead, say, "I felt like the comment was biphobic."
7
Stand your ground. People are not always receptive to criticism. Your friend may become defensive or make excuses. Calmly stand your ground if your friend does not want to listen to your criticism. It's important that you feel heard and your friend understands that your feelings were hurt.^{[13]
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- You can listen to your friend's side. In fact, it can be helpful. If your friend simply wasn't thinking, they may offer an explanation in addition to an apology. However, do not let an explanation be an excuse. Say something like, "Okay, I understand you meant that as a joke, but it really bothered me given the context."
- You can also ask your friend questions at the end of the conversation to ensure that they understand your perspective and will not make the comments again. For example, you could ask your friend, "Did you understand that those comments were offensive?" or "Can I rely on you to be more aware in the future before making this type of comment?"

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Moving Forward after a Confrontation

1
Let the person know what types of comments to avoid in the future. Make sure to define the behavior that bothers you so your friend knows to avoid it in the future. Set a few quick ground rules so offensive comments will not become routine.^{[14]
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- For example, say, "I really just prefer to explain my sexuality on my own. Let me come out to people on my own terms. You don't need to try to define anything for me."
2
Remember it's not your responsibility to change someone else. After the confrontation, try not to dwell on the issue and wonder if you explained yourself well enough. Confronting your friend is important to help you feel that your voice is heard, but you cannot force another person to change. Acknowledge you've done what you can to explain your offense, but it's now on your friend to take your concerns to heart.^{[15]
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3
Make sure there are consequences. If a friend doesn't listen, there need to be consequences for this. Your friend should understand that you won't tolerate the behavior to begin with. Let them know you will reconsider the friendship if such comments don't stop.^{[16]
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- For example, say something like, "I know you didn't mean anything by it, but that's not something I can tolerate. I really need you to work on this in the future, as I don't want to spend time with prejudiced people."
4
Walk away if the person does not change. If your friend continues to make the same kind of comments in the future, it may be time to reevaluate a friendship. You can only use the excuse of ignorance for so long. If your friend continues to be offensive, even after your boundaries have been clearly explained, you're within your right to end the friendship.

Conversation Help

Addressing Offensive Comments a Friend Made

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I respond if I'm feeling really angry or hurt?

Katie Styzek
Professional School Counselor
Katie Styzek is a Professional School Counselor for Chicago Public Schools. Katie earned a BS in Elementary Education with a Concentration in Mathematics from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. She served as a middle school mathematics, science, and social studies teacher for three years prior to becoming a counselor. She holds a Master of Education (M.Ed.) in School Counseling from DePaul University and an MA in Educational Leadership from Northeastern Illinois University. Katie holds an Illinois School Counselor Endorsement License (Type 73 Service Personnel), an Illinois Principal License (formerly Type 75), and an Illinois Elementary Education Teaching License (Type 03, K – 9). She is also Nationally Board Certified in School Counseling from the National Board for Professional Teaching Standards.

Katie Styzek

Professional School Counselor

Expert Answer

Take a minute to gather your thoughts by taking a deep breath or getting a drink of water. You can tell your friend, “That really hurt my feelings because…” Even though you are feeling hurt, make sure to respond politely with an even, kind tone. Yelling, blaming, and name-calling will often make the situation worse.
Question

My classmates and friends tease me because of my dark skin color and acne. Sometimes it really hurts me and I can't stand up to them. What can I do to stop them?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

You should clearly let them know that you are not okay with these types of comments and prefer that they not tease you about the subject. If they decide to keep doing so, then you may consider cutting off the friendships and looking for better ones.
Question

On my Instagram account I posted a pic cause I was feeling bored and my friend commented "ghost" below the pic. I think she was just joking, but how should I respond to her?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Try to respond privately to her and let her directly know that you found her comment offensive. It's best not to get others involved. Make sure you are clear and direct about the offense and any future actions that you expect.