16 Questions to Check In & Build Intimacy with Your Partner

Co-authored by Jessica Swenson and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: November 15, 2022 References

Long-term relationships and marriages are usually filled with love and good intentions—but without active check-ins, how can you be sure that you’ll stay connected? By regularly asking your partner about how they’re feeling, you can build an intimate, positive, fulfilling, and deeper relationship that’s made to last. When it comes to creating (and keeping) the relationship of your dreams, the power is totally in your hands. Check out our list of the top 15 best relationship check-in questions below.

Things You Should Know

Check-in questions can help you create a relationship that's safer, happier, and more connected across the board.
Discuss ways you two can create a more positive dynamic. How, for instance, can you show appreciation for each other every day?
Use check-in questions to overcome relationship challenges, insecurity, and monotony. Communication can help you stay flexible!

1

How can I make you feel loved today?

Learn to show love in ways your partner will really see and appreciate. In all likelihood, you love to make your partner feel adored. But how can you be sure that you’re choosing a gesture that’ll really speak to them? Ask your partner what you can do specifically and if they’re unsure, offer examples. Then, make it happen! This’ll help you fill your relationship with positive, loving moments.^{[1]
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- Ask about your partner’s love languages: “Would you rather me buy you a small, surprise gift or write you a love note?”
- Figure out whether there are certain gestures they don’t like: “How do you feel about PDA? Does that make you feel loved or annoyed?”
- "Is there anything I can do to show you that you're loved, cared for, and appreciated?" is another great question you can ask.

2

Do I make you feel appreciated every day?

Showing thanks for your partner improves their relationship satisfaction. Appreciation is a healthy relationship’s superpower—so to stay happy and in love, make gestures of mutual gratitude your go-to. Ask your partner whether they feel that you routinely show them how much you love being in their life. If you don’t, don’t stress. Instead, ask them how you can improve—then, follow through.^{[2]
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- If they tell you that you’re great in this area, ask them what’s working: “What do I do that makes you feel super appreciated?”
- If not, ask them to give you ideas for the future: “What could I do to get better? Would a simple 'Thank you' do the trick, or do you need more?”

3

How do you think we're doing?

Open up about how your relationship is going. Talking about how things are progressing will help you better understand each other's perspectives. Additionally, you'll be able to address any issues that may crop up.
- As follow-up questions, ask, "What do you think is working?" and "What do you think we can improve?" Use their answers to strengthen your relationship.

4

How can I make your life easier this week?

You two are a team, so find ways to be a relationship MVP. Over time, it makes sense that things might start falling through the cracks in your relationship. That’s okay! Check in with each other and reinstate some of the gestures you’d offer your partner at the beginning of your relationship. Show them that you want to make them feel good, and your relationship will benefit.^{[3]
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- “What’s something stressing you out these days? How can I make it better for you?”
- “Remember how I used to take your car in to get cleaned every month? How would you feel about me doing that for you again?”

5

What makes you feel closest to me?

Intimacy is crucial, so find ways to create more connection. Your partner may absolutely love it when you sit down with them for dinner—but if you don’t understand its meaning to them, you might not make it a priority. Talk about what you and your partner can do to feel close. Talk through specific examples so that you both feel totally empowered to make the other feel loved.^{[4]
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- “Is there something we do that makes you feel great about our relationship? I know you love doing errands together on Sundays.”
- “If I’m really busy and I only have a couple free hours to spend on our relationship, what would you want me to focus on?”

6

Is there anything you like that I’ve stopped doing?

Use your shared experiences to create a stronger love. You two have done so much together—chances are, there have been times when you’ve floored your partner with a thoughtful, sweet gesture. Ask them about the things you’ve done that made them swoon. Then, use their response to create more meaningful intimacy in your relationship.^{[5]
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- “Have you ever really loved something that I’ve done, but you didn’t say so at the time? You can take time to think about it.”
- “What’s a time you remember when we were super happy together? How can I make you feel that way again?”
- "What can I do to improve the quality of our relationship?"

7

Do you feel safe with me?

Security and comfort are the bedrock of a healthy romance. You two deserve to feel like you have a safe place to land in each other.^{[6]
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Research source} Check-in and make sure that right now, your partner feels that with you. If they don’t, work together to brainstorm ways that you two can improve on this. If your partner already feels safe, ask about how you can become even more comfortable for them.
- Talk about solutions: “I get that sometimes, my high standards stress you out. If I promise to be more patient with you, would that help the situation?”
- Look for ways to be even better together: “I bet if I could open up to you more, we’d have even stronger intimacy and mutual comfort. What do you think?”

8

How can we celebrate our relationship soon?

Your love should be cherished, so make a plan to do that together. When you’ve been with someone a long time, keeping the spark alive might take work. But the truth is, your romance is every bit as worthwhile and beautiful as it was when you got together—so discuss ways to remind each other of that regularly. Talk through gestures that would be meaningful to both of you.^{[7]
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- “What if we committed to a romantic date night every month where we really go all out?”
- “I’d love it if going forward, we always made a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. What do you think?”

9

How can we communicate more intentionally?

Honest, open dialogue helps you two handle anything together. The truth is, no romance is perfect, and people change. For you two to continue making each other happy, communicate regularly. Discuss changes you’ve noticed, feelings that arise, and how your discussions can keep your relationship happy.^{[8]
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- Make a plan for the future: “Should we schedule regular times to talk through things, so nothing gets swept under the rug?”
- Talk about potential areas of weakness: “We do a great job chatting about some things, but are we talking about sexual needs and desires enough?”

10

Am I meeting your needs sexually?

Physical intimacy might take intentionality in long-term romances. In some long-term connections, this is an area that sometimes gets neglected. Different needs and stressful schedules might make these convos feel difficult, but they don’t have to. Talk about your challenges here and remember, it’s okay to want different things. Just as long as you talk about solutions, too!^{[9]
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- “I feel like you might have a higher sexual drive than I do. I want us both to be fulfilled. Should we get help from a sex therapist?”
- “What have you been craving in our sex life lately? Is there anything I can do that would make you feel amazing?”

11

How can I help you grow in ways that you want to?

You probably want your partner to be their best self with you. The two of you have the power to be a positive change in each other’s lives—check in with your partner to brainstorm ways you can improve in this area. Do they have goals you can help them reach? Are there qualities they want that you can encourage in them? Talk this through to create an even healthier romance with your partner.^{[10]
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- “Remember when you used to want to start your own business? Do you still want to do that? If so, I’d love to support you there.”
- “Who do you want to be in 5 years? How can I help you get there?”

12

Do you feel like our relationship is headed where you want it to?

Your relationship should reflect both of your goals in life and love. Do you two want to get married eventually? Would you rather focus on your careers and for the next few years? Discuss the outcomes you’d love to see in your relationship. Then, talk through whether or not the romance you have now will get you there. This can relate to tangible or intangible goals—whatever speaks to the both of you.^{[11]
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- “What’s your dream relationship, and are we heading there? I know you love adventuring, so do you want that to be a bigger focus for us?”
- “I remember you saying that you wanted a family and a serious relationship. Do you feel like we’re working towards that?”

13

What makes you feel insecure in our relationship?

Fear and insecurity complicate the healthiest relationships. Talking about your issues is the best way to keep negative feelings in check. Does your partner have trust issues? Talk about it. Are you worried about committing? Open up to them. When you openly discuss big, secret worries, they lose the power to hurt and control you.^{[12]
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- “I sometimes get so worried about your ex. Can we talk about them a little bit?”
- “I hear you when you say that my mom makes you feel insecure. How can I make that better for you?”

14

Have I done anything recently that hurt your feelings?

Don’t let negative feelings fester; instead, address them head-on. We’re all different, and conflict is inevitable. Ask your partner whether or not you’ve done something that offended or annoyed them recently. Let them know that you won’t get defensive, but that you want to avoid it in the future—and if you need to, apologize too. This will create major feelings of safety in your relationship.^{[13]
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- “I noticed last week that you got quiet after I suggested you get more organized. Did that upset you? If it did, I want to talk about it.”
- “Is there anything that I do that makes you feel misunderstood or under-appreciated? I promise I won’t get mad. I just want to understand.”
- "Are you feeling something that you're not expressing to me?"

15

Do you feel like our relationship has wounds that need healing?

Hurt feelings are inevitable, but it’s how you handle it that counts. Strong relationships are defined by how they handle change, conflict, and hurt. Instead of avoiding the most painful parts of your relationship, be willing to discuss them. Whether it means meeting with a therapist or setting boundaries with each other, through discussion you can actually grow through your relationship struggles.^{[14]
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- “I know we’ve had a tough year. How are you feeling about how we’ve gotten through it? Do you think we should talk to a professional?”
- “Obviously this move has been so difficult for both of us. Is there something I can do to make this more manageable for you?”
- "Are there things that have hurt you in the past that we haven't talked about yet?"

16

How do you feel about how we divide responsibilities?

Managing a home together can make any relationship harder to handle. When you live together or even have kids, suddenly, your romance will become that much more complicated. Resentments might build over who’s doing more, and without communication, that can cause serious issues. Discuss the way you’re sharing the workload, and strategize ways to improve.^{[15]
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- Make sure your partner knows that they should be honest: “If you’re ever shouldering most of the housework, will you promise to tell me?”
- “Okay, so it sounds like you’re burnt out right now. What do you think—would it help if I handled the school run this week?”