How to Relate to an Introvert

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: May 25, 2021 References

If you are a social person who likes to interact with many different types of people, there is a good chance that one of your friends is an introvert. An introverted person may seem more withdrawn, shy, and need to make more an effort to socialize or interact with other people. This doesn’t mean that the person is anti-social or has some kind of social phobia. Introversion is instead just one personality type in which individuals need to use more energy to engage in social situations, become more tired and drained in large groups, and regularly need to take time to recharge their social butterfly batteries.^{[1]
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Research source} Introverts are sensitive and aware people who can make great friends. It's important you understand the roots of introversion and how you can understand, respect, and relate to your introverted friend.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Respecting Your Introvert

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Avoid passing judgement. People with introverted traits can seem like they have no problem socializing; they may be able to trade quips, be quick witted, put on presentations for school and work with seeming ease. Introversion is not shyness, social anxiety nor avoidant behavior. Just because introverts can pull out the social fireworks when necessary does not mean that they are not in fact introverted or are faking it. You don't know how "passing" by being social and extroverted in a given situation affected that person. Ultimately, introverts do have different needs for self care than people who tend to be more socially oriented.^{[2]
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Do extraverts process social stimuli differently from introverts? By: Fishman, Inna; Ng, Rowena; Bellugi, Ursula. Cognitive Neuroscience. Jun2011, Vol. 2 Issue 2, p67-73.}
- Rather than jump to judgement, try to sit back and learn. Talk to the introvert, instead of assuming you've got him all figured out.
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Ask the introvert what he needs. The best way to find out more about your friend and how you can help him feel more comfortable is simply to ask him. Friendships are wonderful things to nurture, and the point of friendship is to get to know someone, care about him, and keep his best interests in mind. Take the time to find out about what introversion is like for your friend, what his challenges are, and how he feels. Ask concrete, complete questions, as these types of questions may be easier for someone with introverted qualities to answer.^{[3]
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The Language of Extraversion: Extraverted People Talk More Abstractly, Introverts Are More Concrete. By: Beukeboom, Camiel J.; Tanis, Martin; Vermeulen, Ivar E. Journal of Language & Social Psychology. Jun2013, Vol. 32 Issue 2, p191-201. 11p.} Your friend may feel relieved that you are taking interest and showing that you care. Here are some questions and suggestions you may want to start with:^{[4]
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Codependency's Relationship to Defining Characteristics in College Students By: Wells, Marolyn C.; Hill, Michele B.; Brack, Gregory. Journal of College Student Psychotherapy, v20 n4 p71-84 Jun 2006.}
- What are the easiest social situations for you to be in? What kinds of social situations are the most tiring?
- Is there anything I can do to help you when you feel socially overwhelmed or drained?
- Do I ever make you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed in social situations? How can I help ease that?
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Give introverts alone time. This rule is important and is often the hardest for most extroverts to understand. Introverts like people, but their inner electrical systems are wired very differently. When they're grouchy, crotchety, or just tired, they need time to themselves. If extroverts are solar cells, absorbing light and energy externally, then introverts are nuclear power plants, internally charging a 'self-battery'. They need time alone so the battery has time to charge up again.^{[5]
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- In almost every case, the absences of introverts or their need for time alone has nothing to do with you. It's about them and what they need for their own well-being.
- Give your introvert plenty of space and don’t try to pressure the introverted person in your life to be social when he feels tired or overwhelmed. Introverts have limits when it comes to social stimulation.
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Understand and respect boundaries. Don’t try to pressure your introverted friend into going someplace or doing something that he isn’t comfortable doing. If your friend tells you he is tired and not feeling like going to a party, don’t get upset with him, don’t try to manipulate or guilt him into going, and respect that he wants and may need time to himself. Call another friend or always plan to bring someone else with you so that you won’t take your disappointment out on your introverted friend. Being a true friend means you nurture healthy, honest boundaries in your relationship.
- Don't barrage your friend with emails, texts, and messages if he hasn't been in touch for a bit. This can be overwhelming to the introvert; instead, trying sending ONE message that you're thinking of him.
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Embrace communication. Explore other ways of communication that may not be as draining for your introvert than talking in person. Some introverts find it easier to talk over the internet or in other non-verbal ways of communicating like texting. Get to know what makes your introvert most comfortable.^{[6]
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"On the Internet No One Knows I'm an Introvert": Extroversion, Neuroticism, and Internet Interaction. By: Amichai-Hamburger, Yair; Wainapel, Galit; Fox, Shaul. CyberPsychology & Behavior. Apr2002, Vol. 5 Issue 2, p125-128.}
- Keeping the lines of communication open can ensure that there aren’t misunderstandings and that you don’t take your introverts’ need for alone time personally. You need to learn that when your introverted friend isn't feeling very social or breaks plans with you, it is not personal and is not about you. It is instead something that your friend needs and is related to their essential nature.^{[7]
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  (Understanding Extraverts' Enjoyment of Social Situations: The Importance of Pleasantness. By: Lucas, Richard E.; Diener, Ed. Journal of Personality & Social Psychology. Aug2001, Vol. 81 Issue 2, p343-356. 14p)}
- If you haven't heard from your introverted friend, rather than call or visit him in person, try sending a brief text message that says something like, "Hey, haven't heard from you in a bit. Just checking in and hope all is well." Remember that introverts sometimes prefer more distanced modes of communication.
- As a helpful tip, introverts often screen their phone calls, even those from friends, because they find it interrupting and also taxing. Often, introverts let their calls go to voicemail so they can return them when they feel it's the right time and they have sufficient energy. So your introverted friend isn't ignoring you when he doesn't pick up but will get back to you when he feels ready.^{[8]
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Listen. Listening is an essential part of any friendship. It is important to listen carefully to your friend that has introverted qualities because they may not be that comfortable expressing themselves frequently. In other words, pay attention! In addition, because of their tendency to reflect and think internally (instead of out loud, like extroverts), introverts tend to do the bulk of listening in conversations. They usually don't mind this, but it's also important to let them express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions while you sit back for once and take it in.^{[9]
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- Be in the moment and focus your mind on what your friend is saying. Put away your phone or turn it off. Give your friend your full attention. Try not to immediately let your mind get flooded with responses. Listen closely, maintain eye contact, concentrate on his words, and take a moment to digest what your friend has said before responding.
- Try to avoid responding with minimizing statements like, "Oh everybody feels that way sometimes." Your introvert friend's experience is valid, what he feels is valid, and it’s not always helpful to immediately nullify what you have just heard by generalizing or downplaying it. Instead try responding with active listening responses and leading questions like, "I hear you. It’s interesting that you reacted that way. Why do you think you had that response?"
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Invite and reciprocate honesty. One of the marks of a true friendship is free-flowing and mutual honesty. Once you have learned more about your introverted friend and how his world may be different from yours, then it is healthy to encourage your friend to feel comfortable telling you how he feels. You aren’t a mind reader, and you can’t tap in to his energy or comfort levels at all times. A healthy friendship should include a level of communication where your introverted friend feels safe telling you what is really going on inside his head, even if it's something you may not want to hear.^{[10]
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Research source
Codependency's Relationship to Defining Characteristics in College Students By: Wells, Marolyn C.; Hill, Michele B.; Brack, Gregory. Journal of College Student Psychotherapy, v20 n4 p71-84 Jun 2006.}
- Let your introverted friend know that he can always be honest with you. If your friend decides that he just isn’t up for going out because even the thought of small talk feels exhausting, appreciate his honesty and react with empathy. You can express your own emotions, since honesty should be mutual, but avoid laying guilt or blame at your friend's feet. Instead, show empathy and compassion and let him know that you understand and respect his choice. Reacting compassionately will show your friend that he can be truthful and straightforward with you without fearing judgement or pressure.
- Introverts often feel that they have to put on social show just to appease their friends, and your friend may be very grateful that there is someone in his life he can be honest with about how he really feels.^{[11]
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  INTROVERSION: A MISUNDERSTOOD "INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCE" AMONG STUDENTS. By: Henjum, Arnold. Education. Fall82, Vol. 103 Issue 1, p39. 5p.}
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Accommodate. Introverts generally prefer to spend time at work and home alone or in a small group. They also prefer to do one thing at a time and spend their time on it, rather than be doing multiple things at the same time. Try to accommodate introverts wherever you can; perhaps that means inviting only one other friend out when you're planning a movie night with your introverted friend, instead of a huge group. Avoid organizing gatherings in big, crowded spaces, like festivals, which may overstimulate your introvert (due to the people, music, loud noises, etc). Create an environment in which your introverted friend feels safe and like he can be himself.
- Make sure that introverts have a "safe space" where they can go. For example, if you run an office, consider enclosed conferences rooms of varying sizes as an option either for introverts to have some downtime to gather their thoughts and work privately or for small groups that need to work together but who might otherwise interrupt or distract their introverted colleagues.^{[12]
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Be a friend. By encouraging honesty and creating space for your introverted friend to feel comfortable being himself, you are being a good example of a nurturing person who accepts him for who he is. The more this facet your friendship is nurtured, the more empowered, honest, and healthy your introverted friend can feel about his life and himself.^{[13]
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Research source
The Relationship between Self- and Other-Perceptions of Communication Competence and Friendship Quality. By: Arroyo, Analisa; Segrin, Chris. Communication Studies. Nov/Dec2011, Vol. 62 Issue 5, p547-562. 16p.}

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Understanding Introspection

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Learn about personality types. One of the great things about having a circle of friends is that they all have different personalities, viewpoints, and ways of being and doing things. An essential part of having friends is getting to know them and all of their unique personalities. One useful thing to do that can help prepare you for personalities that may be different from your own is to read up on personality types. Learning more about introversion can help you understand your friend in a way that doesn’t lead to misunderstanding. Respect that enjoyment of life comes in many forms, and not just what you personally find fulfilling and fun. Learn about how your friend finds satisfaction and enjoyment.^{[14]
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Explaining the Extraversion/Positive Affect Relation: Sociability Cannot Account for Extraverts' Greater Happiness. By: Lucas, Richard E.; Le, Kimdy; Dyrenforth, Portia S. Journal of Personality. Jun2008, Vol. 76 Issue 3, p385-414. 30p.}
- Read up on introversion and extroversion as the first pair of psychological preferences in determining personality type using the Myer-Briggs test. You can also decide, after reading, which preference applies to you. Knowing more about ourselves often helps us understand why and how we view the world and the people we care about.
- Learning about differences might help you in turn learn to appreciate the various outlooks, perspectives and advice that an introverted person can offer. For example, they approach social situations from a very different vantage point than an extrovert. Your introverted friend may have noticed something at a party or social gathering while you were too busy gabbing away to catch wind.
- As a general rule in life, it’s always to your benefit to learn about people who are different from you and share in their knowledge.
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Understand the core of introversion. Introverts require more energy to be social and find social encounters draining. Introverts find their energy in solitary, often creative pursuits, whereas extroverts are energized by others. While extroverts actually physiologically experience an intensification of the feel-good hormone dopamine when surrounded by others, introverts do not. They find contentment from within.^{[15]
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- Introverts are not necessarily shy, nor are they afraid of people or fearful of social settings. They are also not typically misanthropic, meaning that they dislike mankind and human society. In fact, introverts often have heightened abilities for sensitivity, empathy, and creativity.^{[17]
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  Research source} These characteristics can make introverts truly caring, solid friends.
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Realize introverts are deeply introspective. Introverts like to think. This does not necessarily mean an introvert's wonderings are any more meaningful or significant than an extrovert's. It's how they process the world and the people around them. They need to process their experience. Their introspection is in fact what makes them such excellent listeners.^{[18]
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- Note that introspection is not the same as ruminating, which is a compulsively focused attention on your problems, distress or mistakes and has been connected to mental health conditions like depression. Introspection is rather the examination and observation of one's internal mental and emotional processes, like a kind of self-examination.^{[19]
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- Introverts, because of their ability to internally tune in, tend to be drawn to more creative, detail-focused, and independent professions.
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Know that introverts are at their best one-on-one. Most introverts enjoy conversation with one person at a time. So don't take it personally if they're a bit quiet in a group situation. They're probably absorbing what everyone is saying, and turning it over a few times in their heads. This is part of their introspective and thoughtful nature. In addition, you may notice your introverted friend hanging around near the exit when surrounded by lots of people; this is how introverts cope in crowded places. They like to be able to make a quick exit if they need to.^{[20]
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Be aware that introverts might appear to be 'acting' sometimes. This is particularly true in social situations. Some introverts are not naturally social people. This can make it difficult to interact with others who are inherently more extroverted and gregarious. To make the going easier, many introverts have leaned how to be 'temporarily extroverted'; put differently, they act. Acting for them requires an extraordinarily amount of energy and effort. This is why many introverts need a little break or alone time after a big social event. But not to worry; if you and your introvert have a very close relationship, he'll be his 'real' self most, if not all of the time.
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Respect that your friend identifies as an introvert. Respect that this is a personality trait your friend lives and feels, and not a choice or lifestyle. It's a way of being.^{[21]
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- Respect that your friend has a different way of dealing with the world and of processing social stimulation and decision.^{[22]
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  Personality and Affective Forecasting: Trait Introverts Underpredict the Hedonic Benefits of Acting Extraverted. By: Zelenski, John M.; Whelan, Deanna C.; Nealis, Logan J.; Besner, Christina M.; Santoro, Maya S.; Wynn, Jessica E. Journal of Personality & Social Psychology. Jun2013, Vol. 104 Issue 6, p1092-1108. 17p.}