How to Prepare Yourself for Intimacy

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 9, 2022 References

Having sex with someone new can be nerve wracking, but it’s also exciting, too! There are probably a lot of things running through your mind when you’re prepping to have sex, and not all of it is helpful. That’s why we’ve made a list of all the ways you can prepare for intimacy, both mentally and physically.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship expert, Kelli Miller, licensed pyschotherapist and award-winning author. Check out the full interview here.

1

Check in with yourself.

Make sure you’re ready to have sex before you dive in. Even if you’ve had sex before, taking the plunge with someone new can be nerve wracking, and you can take all the time that you need.^{[1]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} You might want to ask yourself things like:^{[2]
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- Am I really ready to have sex, or am I feeling pressured by my partner / friends?
- Do I feel comfortable having sex with my partner?
- Could I have any regrets afterwards?
- Have we talked about using protection during sex?
- Do I feel comfortable saying no at any point?

2

Set realistic expectations for your sexual experience.

Real sex probably won’t be like sex in the movies. If you haven’t had much sex before and you don’t know what to expect, that’s okay! It might be a little awkward, silly, or even downright funny at times. Keep an open mind, and try not to set the bar too high for yourself or for your partner.^{[3]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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- Don’t be afraid to giggle or laugh during sex (as long as you aren’t laughing at your partner). Letting out a little chuckle can really help lighten the mood and keep things fun instead of serious.
- As you get to know your partner more and figure out what you both like, sex will feel more natural and authentic.

3

Talk to your partner about it.

If you’re still on the fence about intimacy, get some more insight. Your partner might be going through the same struggles you are, and it can be helpful to talk to someone about what you’re thinking.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Ask them how they feel in the relationship, where they’re at with sex, and how long they’d like to wait before getting intimate.^{[5]
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National Health Service (UK)
Public healthcare system of the UK
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- Say something like, “So, we’ve been dating for a little while, and I think I might be ready to have sex. How are you feeling?”
- It can feel awkward to talk about sex, but by being open and honest, you can make the experience better for the both of you. If you don’t feel like you can talk about sex with your partner, it might be better to wait a while before getting intimate with them.
- It can also help to talk with trusted friends and loved ones about their sexual experiences. Chatting with people who know what they're talking about can help you feel less anxious and nervous.^{[6]
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  Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.}

4

Practice safe sex.

Protect yourself from pregnancy and STDs. Decide ahead of time what kind of control you’re going to use, and make sure it’s ready to go before you plan on having sex. There are tons of different birth control options available, so you can pick the one that’s right for you.^{[7]
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Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
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- Remember that birth control methods like pills and implants protect against pregnancy, but they don’t protect against STDs. Even if you are on birth control, consider getting condoms or dental dams as well.

5

Shave the day before, if you want to.

How your body hair looks is up to you. If you’d like to do some grooming on your genitals, try to do it the day before to avoid any irritation during sex. You can also shave your legs and your armpits, but again, only if you want to.^{[8]
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- If you’ve never shaved before and you don’t want to, consider trimming your pubic hair with a razor or scissors, just to tidy it up.

6

Wash and cleanse yourself beforehand.

Take a shower, brush your teeth, and put on deodorant. You want to look (and smell) your best during sex, so take some time to clean up before you meet with your partner. Consider taking along some breath mints and a travel deodorant too, just in case you need them. You never know where the mood will strike!^{[9]
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- Keep in mind that if you have a vagina, you don’t need to wash it out with soap. You can lightly scrub your vulva with your hands and some water, but using soap or harsh cleansers can disrupt your pH balance and lead to irritation.

7

Go pee ahead of time.

The last thing you want is to be distracted by a full bladder! When the moment strikes, take a pause and head to the bathroom really quickly just to go pee. You can use the time to freshen up and make sure you’re both looking and smelling good, too.^{[10]
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8

Think about sex throughout the day.

Sometimes, you need your mind to get in the mood first. After that, having sex will come a little more naturally. If you’re seeing your partner later that day, try thinking about the fact that you’re going to have sex. You could even watch or read something stimulating, like an erotic novel or a steamy movie. The more you can get yourself in the right mindset, the better.^{[11]
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- If you aren’t in a sex “mindset,” you might have trouble getting turned on physically when it comes time to do the deed.

9

Do something that makes you feel sexy.

Put on lingerie or take a luxurious bath. Do something that makes you feel cool and confident to boost your self-image before you have sex. Something that makes you feel more attractive will put you in the right headspace, and you’ll probably feel more ready to get intimate with your partner afterward.^{[12]
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- You could also listen to a sensual song, do your makeup, or get all dressed up in a new outfit.

10

Set the mood.

Dim the lights and turn on some sensual music. If you really want to get into it, try lighting a few candles, too. The more sexy your environment looks and feels, the better headspace you’ll be in when it comes time to do the deed. Don’t be afraid to get a little cheesy, either—rose petals are a cliché for a reason!^{[13]
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- You might have some wine or champagne on hand, just in case you and your partner want a drink before getting to it.

11

Tell your partner what you like.

Communication before, during, and after sex is very important. Start out by telling your partner what you’re comfortable with, even if it’s not a lot. After you start getting physical, tell your partner what feels good and what doesn’t. If you can provide some direction, you can ensure that you both have a good time during intimacy.^{[14]
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- Make sure you’re listening to your partner as well. They might tell you what they like and how they like it as you two get intimate.
- You might say something like, “Let’s start slow,” or, “That feels so nice.”

12

Say no to anything you aren’t comfortable with.

You can tell your partner to stop at any time. Even if you’ve already said yes, feel free to back up or ask your partner to stop if you feel uncomfortable.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Consent is key, and you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do.^{[16]
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- Listen to what your partner says, too. They might say no or tell you to slow down, so pay attention.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you know if you're ready for intimacy?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

An emotional connection to your partner is key! You should feel like they're hearing you and understanding you. You should never feel like you have to get intimate to please your partner—it should be something you want yourself.