How to Not Be Shy Around Girls

It may feel nearly impossible not to be shy around girls, especially when you find yourself standing in front of a girl who is absolutely beautiful without being able to come up with a single thing to say. However, once you realize that you don’t have to say the perfect thing all the time and that all you have to do is show a genuine interest in the girl you’re talking to, you’ll be on your way to having a fun, easy conversation with any girl you want to talk to.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Getting in the Right Mindset

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    Tell yourself that many girls are also shy around boys. One way to prepare yourself for talking to girls is to remember that it’s likely that the girls are just as scared about talking to you as you are about talking to them. They may look like they have it all figured out and may act like they’re not shy or nervous whatsoever, but on the inside, many girls are nervous about talking to boys, too. If you’re more aware of the fact that every girl or guy is shy about talking to people to some extent, then you’ll be less self-conscious about talking to girls.[1]
    • While you’re worried about coming up with something to say next or wondering how you came off after your last comment, it’s likely that the girl you’re talking to is wondering the same thing about herself.
    • Instead of being so worried about sounding smart, funny, or interesting, work on making the girl you’re talking to feel comfortable. It’s likely that she has the same worries as you do, and if you focus on making her comfortable, then you won’t be so worried about yourself.
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    Just pretend that you’re talking to one of your friends. Sure, talking to the cute girl in your grade may seem completely different than chatting it up with your best friend, but if you stop being so worried about everything being perfect, you’ll see that it’s really not so different. You’ll have to come up with things to talk about, making the other person laugh, talk about something interesting you did over the weekend, and so on. Once you relax and stop trying to sound so impressive, you’ll be able to fall into a natural pace of conversation, just as you would with a close friend.
    • Okay, so you and your best friends may have some inside jokes or a funny way of talking that may confuse a new girl you talk to. However, you can still talk about some of the same things and take a similar approach, working on having an interesting conversation instead of worrying about not having anything to talk about.
    • Remember that, even when you talk to one of your friends, you may run out of things to talk about or repeat yourself or stumble on your words from time to time. It’s no big deal if that happens when you’re talking to a girl, either.
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    Don’t worry about saying the perfect thing. Guys who are shy about talking to girls tend to romanticize the situation and think that, when they talk to a cute girl, they have to say something absolutely perfect or astonishing to win her over, and then the two of you can walk off into the sunset together. In reality, if you tell the girl you like her shirt or talk about the Drake concert you just went to, you’ll be perfectly fine. Instead of searching for the perfect turn of phrase, just work on saying something to keep the conversation going.[2]
    • If you’re too hung up on every word you say, then you’ll be much more likely to lapse into silence or to stumble on your words. Just keep talking and don’t overthink it and you’ll be much more impressive than if you say almost nothing for five minutes and then tell the perfect joke.
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    Come up with a few topics in advance so you feel less nervous. If you want to feel less shy about talking to girls, then one thing you can do is to come up with some ideas for things you could talk about in advance in case you run out of conversational material. In the moment, you may be too busy being in awe of the girl’s cuteness to come up with anything to say. So, make a quick mental list of just three or four things you could say to her before you start talking. This will make you feel more confident when you go into the conversation, even if it flows so naturally that you don’t end up saying them.[3]
    • You can talk about what you did over the weekend, an awesome movie you both saw, your favorite band, what she did over the summer, or a class you both have together. You can also talk about a mutual friend, your plans for the evening, or something you just saw on the news.
    • Remember that it takes two people to have a conversation. Even if you can’t think of another topic, the girl can think of things, too. You’re not doing a comedy routine.
    • Try to find something that you have in common to talk about so you can both get involved in the conversation.[4]
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    Know that in the end, all you can do is be yourself. As corny as it sounds, if you really want to get to know a girl, then you don’t need to try to impress her with a suave version of who you really are. Sure, you can act a bit more polite and polished and make more of an effort to really capture her attention, but you shouldn’t go too far outside your comfort zone unless you plan on keeping the act up forever.[5]
    • While you may not be as goofy as you are with your close friends right away, you don’t need to put up a fake persona of the guy you think the girl would rather talk to. If she’s standing in front of you having a conversation with you, then she wants to see and know who you really are.
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    Don’t try too hard to impress them. If you try too hard to impress the girl you’re talking to, then it’ll show. You may want to talk about how awesome you are at soccer or to tell her all about your plans to be a doctor, but this kind of talk can actually turn some girls away. While you can talk about the things you love, there’s no need to brag. And even if you know how to juggle or do a backflip, this can come up naturally somehow, but you don’t need to show the girl how talented you are right on the spot.[6]
    • If you really are skilled or talented in some way, the girl will realize it if you spend enough time together. In the beginning, though, you can let her figure it out instead of talking about how great you are.
    • Girls like guys who project confidence, but not arrogance. You want to show that you’re happy with who you are without acting like you’re the greatest guy on the planet.
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    Work to ease your nervousness. You may be feeling nervous right before you talk to a girl, and that’s perfectly natural. There are many things you can do to calm down and to feel better before you even open your mouth. A few simple tricks can make your next conversation with a girl feel more natural and less scary. Here are some things you can do:[7]
    • Count to thirty in your head before you approach the girl. This can help you feel more at ease.
    • Focus on your breathing. Work on breathing in through your mouth and out through your nose ten times, and you’ll start to feel more relaxed.
    • If you have a stress ball or something you can squeeze in your pocket, this can help you ease some of the tension. This can also help you avoid fidgeting and will make you look less nervous.
    • Make eye contact with the girl. If you look at the floor or look around you, this may actually end up making you look and feel more nervous.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Talking to Girls

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    Give them a compliment. One simple way to talk to a girl if you’re feeling shy about it is to give the girl a compliment. Keep it simple and sincere. You don’t need to tell the girl that she’s the prettiest girl in your school. Just tell her that you like the color of her sweater, that her new haircut looks nice, or that her earrings are really unique. You can also compliment her smile or her sense of humor, though you don’t need to get too personal, at first.[8] [9]
    • Simple compliments show a girl that you’re paying attention and that you care.
    • You don’t have to start off with a compliment, but you can give the girl one if the conversation is lagging.
    • Use compliments minimally since they might not seem genuine if you don't mean what you say.[10]
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    Ask them questions. Another way to not be so shy around girls is to actually work on getting to know them. While you don’t need to interrogate the girl, making an effort to ask some simple questions will make the girl see that you really care about her and want to get to know her better. You can ask the girl a few things about herself while also revealing things about yourself so she doesn’t feel like she’s sharing too much; a simple comment like, “I have two cats. Do you have any pets?” can make her feel more comfortable. Here are some things you can ask her about:[11]
    • Her hobbies and interests
    • Her favorite bands, TV shows, movies, or actors
    • Her favorite foods
    • Her favorite places to go in town
    • Her friends
    • Her siblings
    • Her pets
    • Her weekend plans
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    Open up about yourself a bit. Though asking the girl questions and being interested in her life can make you feel less shy, another thing you can do is share a bit about yourself while you’re talking to her.[12] This will make you feel more at ease, because you’ll feel more comfortable while the girl gets to know you a bit, and it will also open the conversation up for her to share more about herself. You want her walking away from the conversation feeling like she’s learned something about you.
    • If you start to feel shy when you talk about more personal topics, just make sure you stick to the topics you know and feel the most comfortable talking about, whether it’s sports or your dog, as long as they are interesting to her.
    • If the girl asks you a question, try not to give her a “yes” or “no” answer but spend more time explaining what you mean, so she feels like you want to talk to her. Even if you’re feeling shy, just elaborating a bit can make the conversation flow better, and it will actually make you feel less shy.
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    Learn to laugh at yourself. Another way to be less shy around girls is to learn not to take yourself so seriously. If you can laugh at yourself or acknowledge when you said something silly, or even crack up when you trip while talking to the girl, that will actually make the conversation more fun because the girl won’t be so worried about keeping your ego intact. People who are truly comfortable with themselves are happy to acknowledge that they aren’t perfect, and if you want to feel more secure about talking to a girl, then know that laughing at yourself can be a good thing.[13]
    • While you don’t want to come off as insecure or put yourself down, it’s okay to laugh at yourself when you realize you’ve repeated yourself or droned on and on. For example, if you realize you’ve gotten so nervous that you’ve been talking about the Lakers for the last ten minutes, it’s okay to laugh and say, “Well, I think you know everything there is to know about the Lakers now, don’t you?”
    • If you trip or misspeak, don’t act like it didn’t happen; just say, “There I go again” and move on. The girl will like you more for being comfortable enough to acknowledge what happened.
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    Have confident body language. Another way to feel less shy around girls is to work to have more confident body language. This will help you not only project confidence, but to feel more confident when you talk to girls. Just keep your head up, avoid slouching whether you’re sitting down or standing, make eye contact, and keep your shoulders nice and broad and your arms at your sides. If you cross your arms over your chest or turn away from the girl, then you’ll be showing that you’re not comfortable with talking to her.[14]
    • It’s okay to break eye contact every once in a while if you’re feeling shy. Just make sure you don’t stare at the ground the whole time.
    • Turning your body toward the girl and smiling shows that you’re approachable and excited about talking to her.
    • Though you may feel shy about just talking to the girl, don’t use your cell phone as a crutch. Put it away and give her the attention she deserves.
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    End the conversation when it’s going well. If you’re really shy about talking to girls and spend a lot of time worrying about having the perfect conversation, then you should make sure that you leave on a good note so you can look forward to talking to the girl the next time. If you’ve said a few things to each other and it’s going well, instead of trying to keep that momentum up forever, you can eventually say that you have to get going and that you had a great time talking to her. This will boost your confidence when it comes to talking to the girl the next time around.
    • If you wait until you’ve both run out of things to say and then say goodbye just because you’re out of ideas, this will make for a more awkward ending than if you leave just after you are both laughing and having an amazing time together.
    • Make sure you’re not rude or abrupt when you say goodbye and that you make it clear that you’re looking forward to talking to the girl again.
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    Be comfortable with some awkward pauses. If you’re nervous about talking to girls, then silence is probably one of the things you dread the most. You may be terrified that you’ll be talking to her for a minute or two and then suddenly a deafening silence will fall over you both as the girl stares at you, desperate for you to say the most fascinating comment of all time. Well, in reality, even the best conversations are filled with plenty of pauses, and it’s perfectly okay to have some of those when you talk to a girl.[15]
    • The best thing you can do is to be comfortable with it instead of struggling to say something too soon. You don’t have to say “Well, this is awkward,” or make it even worse. Just let it flow.
    • Remember that, if there’s a silence, then the girl will be looking for something to say, too. You won’t be all alone with it.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Making an Extra Effort

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    Build up your self-esteem. You have to be comfortable with yourself if you want to not be shy around girls. Though you can’t build up your self-esteem in a day, there are some steps you can take to be a more comfortable, confident person who feels good about what he does and what he has to offer. Here are some steps you can take to work on building up your self-esteem:[16]
    • Work on accepting the things you can’t change about yourself.
    • Admit what the flaws that you can change are, and spend more time addressing them.
    • Spend more time doing something you’re good at or developing a new skill, whether it’s in writing, running, or photography.
    • Hang out with people who make you feel better, not worse, about yourself.
    • Take care of your appearance. Though you don’t have to look like a model, showering regularly and wearing clean, well-fitting clothes can improve your self-image.
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    Practice talking to new people. Another way you can make an extra effort to not be shy around girls is to talk to new people more every day. You can talk to the new guy in school, the girl who works in your grocery store, or even to the guests who are visiting your neighbor. As long as you’re not intruding, talking to a new person can help you gain confidence and discover more things about yourself, as well as to get rid of some shyness that is making it hard for you to talk to girls.
    • Talking to new people will help you read people on an individual basis and to get a better sense about finding topics that appeal to every person. It can also help you learn different conversational rhythms and to be okay with the fact that new conversations can be a little awkward, at first.
    • Talking to new people and being comfortable with opening up can also boost your confidence. You’ll feel better about yourself if you see that you can appeal to more people than the usual few people in your social circle.
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    Put yourself out there. If you want to not be shy around girls, then one thing you can do is make an effort to be a more social person who has more things going on. Sign up for a sports team, a debate team, a community service club, or any number of things that will make you more likely to meet a variety of people of different ages and backgrounds and can get you comfortable with being yourself in more situations. If you live a more social lifestyle, then you’ll learn to be less shy when it comes to talking to girls.[17]
    • If you’re used to being socially active in a variety of situations, you’ll slowly learn to talk to girls, even the most beautiful girls, just like they’re ordinary people. This will happen without you even thinking about it.
    • The more people you know, the more social skills you’ll gain. If you only talk to the same three friends, then yeah, it’ll be a lot harder for you to feel less shy around girls.
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    Don’t put too much pressure on new relationships. One of the reasons a lot of guys are shy about talking to girls is because they tend to idealize them, and to think that every girl they have a crush on or talk to is “the one,” or is this absolutely perfect, gorgeous person that they just have to be with forever. If you want to be less shy and have a more natural conversation, then you should take the pressure off and treat each conversation with a girl as just a conversation on its own terms, not the be all and end all for your relationship.[18]
    • If you spend too much time thinking about your next conversation with the girl or wondering where it all will lead, then you’ll be much more likely to miss out on the present moment.
    • Treat the girl you’re talking to like a human being, not a goddess. This will make you feel more okay with not being perfect yourself.
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    Learn to really listen. Another way to be less shy when you’re around girls is to stop worrying so much about what they think of you and to take the time to really listen to what they have to say.[19] This will give you a more clear picture of who they are and will also give you more things to talk about with them. If you make eye contact, put your phone away, and let the girl talk without interrupting or giving your own opinion, then she’ll be impressed by how much you care and the conversation will flow more easily.[20]
    • If you really listen to what she’s saying, then you can follow up about what she told you about the next time she sees you. If you remember that she had a piano recital that weekend or that her cousins were visiting, then she’ll be really impressed.
    • A lot of people tend to wait until their turn to speak instead of really listening. Stop worrying about what you’re going to say and hear the girl out instead.
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    Become aware of when you talk too much. It’s perfectly natural to start rambling on and on about the most ridiculous topics when you’re around a girl. If you do catch yourself doing that, then you should be aware of it and try to turn your attention back to the girl and to ask her a question or get her to talk more. You can even laugh at yourself a little bit for talking too much before you move the conversation along.
    • When you talk to girls, try to make is so that you and the girl do about half of the talking each; though one of you can talk a bit more, you don’t want to dominate the conversation completely or make her feel like she has to do all the talking, either.
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How do I make a move on a girl I like?
    Connell Barrett
    Connell Barrett
    Dating Coach
    Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."
    Connell Barrett
    Connell Barrett
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    You make a move on a girl when she's given you green lights to make that move. You always want the move you're going to make to be well received and wanted. You don't want to surprise her. How do you do that? I call it the stair-step system. You start with small steps, and if those small steps are met with green lights, you can move on to bigger steps. For example, you might start with a high-five. If she's receptive to that, you could try a hug later on. If she hugs you back, you could try leaning over and whispering something to her. As you get the green lights, the steps can get bolder. However, if she doesn't respond well to one of the steps, that's a red light. Stop what you're doing and go back to step one.
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References

  1. ↑ https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/difference-shy-men-shy-women/
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201112/break-the-ice-how-talk-girls-and-guys-0
  3. ↑ http://teenshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/shy_tips.html
  4. ↑ Candice Mostisser. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201112/break-the-ice-how-talk-girls-and-guys-0
  6. ↑ https://medium.com/@liza_98826/7-reasons-why-trying-too-hard-to-be-liked-will-backfire-d89c7c56a812
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/201810/how-control-your-emotions-when-they-are-out-control
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200403/the-art-the-compliment
  9. ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.
  1. ↑ Candice Mostisser. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
  2. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2017/11/29/567133944/people-like-people-who-ask-questions
  3. ↑ Candice Mostisser. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
  4. ↑ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/10-successful-people-who_n_4262766
  5. ↑ https://qz.com/1349656/science-explains-why-good-posture-is-the-ultimate-confidence-boost/
  6. ↑ https://www.inc.com/james-sudakow/the-science-behind-why-awkward-silence-works.html
  7. ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/shyguys
  8. ↑ http://lifehacker.com/5909696/being-shy-is-just-a-bad-habit-and-you-can-break-it-with-regular-practice
  9. ↑ Candice Mostisser. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
  10. ↑ Candice Mostisser. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
  11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201203/11-ways-active-listening-can-help-your-relationships

About This Article

Connell Barrett
Co-authored by:
Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
This article was co-authored by Connell Barrett. Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach." This article has been viewed 254,638 times.
34 votes - 77%
Co-authors: 17
Updated: December 16, 2022
Views: 254,638
Categories: Shyness
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