How to Get a Girlfriend if You're Shy

Co-authored by Cher Gopman

Last Updated: December 1, 2021 References

Getting a girlfriend when you’re shy can be difficult and intimidating. For shy people, it is more likely that they won’t ask someone out, than that the person they ask will turn them down. Luckily, there are a number of things you can do to boost your confidence and make yourself pull the trigger on asking a girl out and then getting her to become your girlfriend.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Building Yourself Up

1
Look sharp. Make sure you're projecting confidence to other people. You can’t be confident unless you think you look good in public. Because of this, you need to work on how you look to others, then, hopefully, you’ll start to feel better about yourself and be less shy. Consider trying these changes:
- Overhaul your wardrobe. Get rid of any ratty clothes or clothes that are inappropriate for your age level and for the types of places you hang out.
- Make sure you are well-groomed. If you’ve got facial hair, tend to it. If you don’t, make sure to shave every day. Also, make sure to keep your hair looking clean toward the back of your neck and around your sideburns.
- Get in shape. If you’re shy or self-conscious because you’re not in shape, put some time into fixing that. Run a couple times a week or go to the gym. In little time, you’ll start to feel better physically, and you’ll probably have more self-confidence, too.^{[1]
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2
Use good posture and body language. Bad posture gives the impression of low confidence. Stand up tall, look ahead, hands down to the side, put on a smile if you want to. Invest some time in observing how other people hold themselves in terms of posture and body language – especially people you admire or think are attractive and well-put together.
- Avoid hunching over.
- Avoid fidgeting with your hands or keeping your hands in your pockets.
- Pay attention to how you sway your arms when you walk.
- Don’t cross your arms or take other defensive postures when you talk to people.
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3
Learn how to be polite and act like a gentleman. If you come off as uncouth, a slob, or rude, you’ll surely alienate any girls you are interested in. Instead, learn how to be polite and act like a gentleman. This will not only help you exude the confidence, but it will make any girl you’re interested in feel special as well. Furthermore, if a girl sees you treating other women politely and gentlemanly, that will signal the kind of guy you are, and she might want to be with you.
- Hold the door open, if appropriate.
- Listen to her, and don't cut her off as she's talking.
- Treat people people who are serving you kindly.
- Let her choose.
- Don't be overbearing.^{[2]
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4
Work on developing a little humor, if you’re not naturally humorous. Humor puts people at ease when they’re nervous. If you're not naturally funny, just try to cultivate a slight sense of humor so you’ll be able to insert humor during awkward times. Consider:
- Situational humor, which is a form of observation that sort of makes fun of the situation you’re in and calls attention to small absurdities or oddities.
- Self-deprecating humor is great if you exude confidence. Beware of it if you think you come off as nervous or insecure.
- Avoid dirty, off color jokes, and anything about religion, politics, or what other people look like. You could come off as mean-spirited.^{[3]
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5
Hang out with girls as friends. Make it a point to rack up some experience with girls -- even if its just being friends. Make friends with some girls with the explicit intent of just being friends. Have fun with them, spend time with them, and get to know them. Form an understanding of how girls think and how they’re different from guys.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Finding a Girlfriend

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Practice your dating skills. Practicing your skills will help you work out the bugs on your technique for hitting on girls, flirting, and approaching. This way, when you find a girl you’re really interested in, you’ll be a lot smoother than if you had never practiced. Consider:
- Flirt casually with women you might meet at a bar.
- Smile to a girl walking by.
- Toast a woman at the bar. Then go back to having a good time with your friends.
- Avoid flirting or hitting on women that you know won’t be flattered or be receptive to your flirtations.
2
Look for a girlfriend within your social circle. Chances are there are several available women in your current social circle. They might be friends of friends or even your friends. If you sense they're attracted to you, you might want to consider showing your interest.
- Don't be afraid to show your interest.
- If you're rejected, be polite about it. You don't want to damage your place in your social circle.
- Use your common sense and don't make advances toward women who won't welcome your advances.
3
Use an online dating or matching service. Online match services could be your ticket to finding a girlfriend. The best thing about these services is that the women you'll come in contact with are also looking for someone to date. The hard part here will be finding someone who you're interested in and is also interested in you.
- Don't let rejection get you down. There are a lot of fish in the online sea.
- Sign up with several online services.
- Be honest about who you are and that you want a commitment.
4
Pick a location where you might find a girlfriend, and spend time there. Any location that is frequented by a significant number of girls and where you feel fairly comfortable is a good place to start. Consider a place that is conducive to a skill of yours: music, public speaking, or a private intimate conversation. Go out and have a good time.^{[4]
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5
Avoid looking nervous or withdrawn. When actively looking for a girl to ask out, try not to look nervous or withdrawn. Girls will sense this, and will automatically be weary of you. In addition, guys who stare and walk around constantly looking for women can come off as creepy.^{[5]
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6
Force yourself to talk to girls. When socializing and looking for a girl to ask out, don’t hold yourself back because of your shyness. You need to force yourself to talk to as many girls as possible. This will help you hone your skills, and allow you to meet as many girls as possible. Soon, you might realize that your shyness is a thing of the past.^{[6]
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7
Make sure you’re actively dating when you are single. Because you’re shy, you might tell yourself that you don’t need to date for one reason or another. This is a trap because if you’re not dating, your socializing skills are atrophying and your shyness is growing stronger. Make sure you’re out there dating whenever you find someone you’re interested in.
- Don’t get discouraged if you get turned down.
- Make sure you have at least a couple of dates a month.
- Avoid dating many people at the same time. It’s okay to have a couple first dates planned at the same time, but if you go on a second or third date with someone, you should probably stop looking for new people to date until you’ve decided where you want to go with the other relationship.
8
Don’t wait for the “perfect” girl. Sometimes because we’re shy, we use the excuse that we don’t want to socialize or date because the girls we meet aren’t perfect or aren’t good enough for us. This is a poor excuse. You don’t know if someone is perfect unless you talk to them and get to know them, and perhaps even go on a few dates.
- Get out there and meet and date as many girls as possible.
- Don’t let the idea of “perfection” prevent you from practicing your dating and flirting skills.
- You don’t really know someone until you’ve spent some time with them.^{[7]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Showing Her That You’re Interested

1
Show your interest, verbally. The best way to get out of the "friend trap" is to avoid it from the start and to show romantic interest right away. After making sure she’s compatible and might have interest in you, show your own interest.
- Tell her you’d like to get to know her better.
- Compliment her looks and/or intelligence.
- Ask for her phone number and/or give her yours.^{[8]
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2
Demonstrate non-verbal interest. Showing non-verbal signs of your interest is one way of moving your relationship along and figuring out if she’ll be receptive to an invitation to go out. Don’t draw this process out, though. You should know very quickly if she’s interested in you. Consider:
- Looking into a girl's eyes (at the right moment) and smiling. This shows respect and interest, and she might reciprocate.
- If your glances and smile has been welcomed, a gentle pat on the back, a light touch of the hand, and other subtle gestures might demonstrate your interest and provoke her to reciprocate.
- If your advances are rejected or ignored, you should stop them. What you see as persistence can be misunderstood as sexual harassment or stalking.^{[9]
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3
Talk to her. Talking to her is the best way of connecting. Find out what you have in common, and reward her with a smile and a story of your own if she tells you something unique about herself to which you can relate. Don't pretend to be someone you aren't. You may think you will win her over with like-mindedness, but in the end she will find you out.
- Try to listen to her.
- Don’t brag or boast about yourself.
- Avoid inappropriate sexual comments, insulting others, or making yourself look good at the expense of others.^{[10]
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4
Ask her out. The best way to overcome shyness and to get a girlfriend is to simply ask the girl out on a date. Anything else will undermine your goal of her becoming your girlfriend. Consider the following:
- Tell her you’d like to take her out for coffee or dinner so you can get to know her better.
- Make sure your first date is somewhere you can talk and get to know each other. Consider getting a cup of coffee or having a picnic in the park.
- Make sure to ask her out as soon as you can. If you wait too long, you’ll end up in the friend zone.^{[11]
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5
Call her the day after your first date. Make sure to call her back sometime the following day or evening after your first date. This conversation will be key to moving the relationship forward. This will be your opportunity to ask her out again. Consider:
- Light chat when you first talk to her.
- Complementing her and telling her how much of a good time you had.
- Let her know you’d like to see her again.
- Propose a second date.
- Don’t call her immediately after the date, unless she calls or texts you, or you otherwise discussed it. You don’t want to seem desperate or overbearing.^{[12]
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Use your second date to get to know each other better. The second date should be a bit easier, as you've both already gotten to know each other a little bit. On the second date, you should have fun while continuing to get to know each other. Remember, getting to know each other is key to moving your relationship from "dating" to "committed." Consider:
- A dinner and a movie for your second date (not just a movie). You can get to know each other over dinner, and then enjoy a movie together afterwards.
- Sightseeing around town. Exploring your community is together (on foot or in a car) is a good way to connect and share a common experience.
- Try not to rush your relationship at this point -- inviting her over for a Netflix movie might not be appropriate just yet.
- Your third date could be something similar, but more intimate.^{[13]
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7
Communicate when you're not together. After the few dates, if the relationship is healthy, you should probably be communicating with each other regularly. This is not to say every moment -- but probably every day or every other day.
- Make sure your communication is healthy, and not one-sided.
- If you want to be with her, respond to her phone calls and texts.
- Use this communication to create a deeper bond and a deeper understanding of each other.
8
Continue this process until you’re in a committed relationship. Stay on your game all the time and continue the process of improving yourself, rejecting your shyness, exuding confidence, and getting to meet girls until you’re in a committed relationship that you’re happy with. After all, this was your goal the whole time. Don’t hold yourself back.