How to Come out of One's Shell

Master something. Another way to build your confidence and to get more pumped to talk to other people is to learn something new. This can be anything from figure skating to creative writing to Italian cooking. You don't have to be the best in the world at it; what’s important is that you work at it and acknowledge your successes. Mastering things will not only boost your confidence, it will also give you more to talk about with others and may help you make some friends along the way, too.^[13]

• If you're already good at something, awesome. Add it to your list of things that make you unique. And don't be afraid to try something else anyway.
• Learning new skills also helps keep your brain sharp. When your brain is constantly challenged with new information and tasks, it has to become more flexible and adaptable -- and that’s excellent for helping you break out of your shell.^[14]
• Try a class! Whether it’s yoga for beginners or Italian Cooking 101, classes can be a great way to connect with others who are also learning something new to them. You’ll be able to see that everyone makes mistakes along the way to mastery, and you may even bond with people over your newfound passion.

Push yourself past your comfort zone. Staying in your shell can be comfortable. You know what you’re good at, and you never have to do anything that frightens you or makes you uncomfortable. The thing is, staying in your comfort zone kills creativity and exploration. Doing things you’ve never done before will help you come out of your shell.^[15]

• Pushing yourself past your comfort zone means acknowledging that fear and uncertainty exist, and that it’s okay to feel those things. You just can’t let those feelings keep you from exploring the world. If you practice taking risks even when you’re a little afraid, you’ll find it’s a lot easier to continue taking them.^[16]
• Psychologists have discovered that you actually need a little anxiety to make you more creative. People work harder when they feel slightly unsure of the situation, which leads to better performance, too.^[17]
• On the other hand, you don’t want to try too much too soon. Too much anxiety, and your brain will simply shut down. So push yourself a little bit at a time, but be patient with yourself.^[18]
• This doesn't mean you have to go skydiving if you're scared of being on a second floor balcony. But whether it's trying salsa dancing, going hiking, or making your own sushi, promise yourself that you’ll start doing things outside your comfort zone.

Set yourself some “easy” goals. One way to set yourself up for a social setback is to expect perfection immediately. Instead, boost your confidence by setting yourself some goals that seem challenging but doable. As your confidence levels increase, you can set yourself harder goals.^[19]

• Try to speak to just one person at a gathering. It can be overwhelming to go into a situation assuming that you have to “work the room” and interact with everyone, especially if you’ve just started working on coming out of your shell. Instead, plan to speak with just one person. That’s totally do-able! And when you’ve done it, you can add it to your mental “success shelf.”^[20]
• Look for other people who might be shy. You’re not the only person in the world who has trouble coming out of your shell! The next time you’re at a gathering, look around for someone else who looks uncomfortable or is standing off in a corner. Go over and introduce yourself. It could be that you’re the inspiration they need to come out of their shell a little bit too.^[21]

Embrace the possibility of mistakes. Not every interaction will go as you hope. Not everyone will respond well to your approaches. Sometimes, you’ll say something that doesn’t go over well. That’s okay! Accepting the possibility of uncertainty and different outcomes than you’d planned for will help you stay open to connecting with others.^[22]

• Recasting setbacks or challenges as learning experiences can also help keep you from viewing them (or yourself) as a “failure.” When we wrongly think of ourselves as failures, we’re unmotivated to keep trying, because what’s the point? Instead, look for what you can learn from every situation, even the ones that were uncomfortable or didn’t go the way you’d hoped.
• For example, you might try introducing yourself to someone at a party, but he isn’t interested in talking to you and turns away. This sucks, but guess what? It isn’t a failure; it's not really a mistake, either, since you had the strength and courage to put yourself out there. You may be able to learn some things from the experience too, such as observing signs that someone isn’t interested in having a conversation at that moment and realizing that the way other people act is not your fault.
• When you’re feeling embarrassed by something, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you've asked someone how his girlfriend is doing when everyone else knew she dumped him weeks ago. Maybe you've found yourself talking too much about your childhood obsession with ferrets. All of that is okay -- we've all done it. The important thing is that you get knocked down, but you get up again. Don't let one social mistake keep you from trying in the future.

Position yourself as approachable. Part of coming out of your shell is making people want to talk to you. You may be surprised to hear that people might think that you're stuck up or rude just because you're so shy that you can't even begin to think about giving people positive affirmation. This can change today. The next time someone comes up to you or starts talking to you, give that person a big smile, stand with your posture straight and your arms at your sides, and enthusiastically ask that person how he or she is doing. It takes practice to start looking friendly when you're used to retreating into your shell, but you can make it work.^[23]

• If you're shy, you may be used to hunching over a book or your cell phone, but this may make people think you're too busy to talk to them.
• You can be approachable and look engaged even if you're shy. Even if you're not saying a lot, nodding, making eye contact, smiling at the right times, and generally looking like you're enjoying yourself are all signs of being an “active listener.”^[24] Active listening helps people feel like you’re interested and involved in the conversation. If you just hang back and stare at the floor, people might forget that you're there.
• Try repeating a few key ideas from a conversation as the basis for your own contribution. This not only shows you’re listening, it helps other people feel acknowledged. For example, if you’ve been listening to someone talk about her trip to India, you could say something like “That sounds amazing! I’ve never been to India, but I did go to Indiana once.”
• If talking about yourself seems too hard at the moment, this can be a tactic you can use until you comfortable sharing yourself a little more.

Ask people open-ended questions. Once you're having a conversation with people, a great default mode is to ask them a few simple questions, whether it's about themselves, their plans, or whatever it is that they are talking about. Asking questions is also a lower-pressure form of social interaction because you won't be talking about yourself as much, but will be showing interest and will move the conversation forward. You don't have to ask the person a million questions or sound like a detective and make him or her uncomfortable; just ask a friendly question when there's a lag in the conversation.^[25]

• Obviously, it's harder for shy people to just open up and start talking about themselves. This is a good way to start.
• Open-ended questions invite the other person to share something about themselves, instead of a “yes” or “no” answer.
• Some examples of open-ended questions include “Where did you find that awesome t-shirt?” or “What’s your favorite book and why?” or “Where’s the best place to get coffee around here?”

Start sharing things about yourself. Once you get more comfortable with the people you're talking to, or even with your friends, then you can slowly start to open up. You shouldn't share your deepest, darkest secrets first, obviously, but you can slowly reveal things little by little. Take the pressure off. Tell a funny story about one of your teachers. Show people a cute picture of Muffins, your pet rabbit. If someone talks about his trip to Vegas, talk about the awkward family trip you once took there. Baby steps are the key.

• You can even start sharing a bit by saying, "Me too," or "I know exactly what you mean. One time I..." when people relate their experiences.
• Even sharing silly anecdotes or small details can get you ready to come out of your shell more. As people give you positive affirmation for what you say, you'll be more likely to keep opening up.
• You don't have to be the first person to share something slightly person. Wait for a few other people to open up first.
• Though talking about yourself incessantly is obviously rude, it can also be seen as rude to be completely closed off. If a person is sharing a lot with you, and all you say is "Uh-huh..." then the person may be hurt that you're not comfortable with sharing something yourself. Even a “Me too!” helps others feel more involved with you.

Master small talk. There's nothing small about small talk. Many great friendships and relationships have started after a conversation about the weather or the local sports team. Some people say, "I don't do small talk" because they think it's superficial and a waste of time, but being able to make low-pressure simple conversation with new people is a building block to getting to know them on a deeper level. Small talk actually gives people the chance to socialize by using topics that aren't too personal. When people first meet each other, they decide what information to share of themselves that they would consider "safe" information. Small talk provides lots of opportunity to share safe information while taking small steps forward to establish trust. To make small talk, you just have to know how to make a person comfortable, politely ask questions, share something about yourself, and to keep up a steady flow of conversation.

• Use new people's names in conversation. This will make them feel like they matter to you.
• Use cues to start a conversation. If the person is wearing a 49ers hat, you can ask if that's his favorite sports team, or how he became a fan.
• You can make a simple statement followed by a question. For example, you can say, "Man, the rain kept me in all weekend. I had to help my mom out with a bunch of chores. How about you? Did you do anything more exciting?"

Work on reading people. Reading people is a social skill that can help you make better conversation and to come out of your shell. Having a sense of whether a person is excited and ready to talk or distracted or in a bad mood can help you figure out what to talk about -- or whether or not you should talk to the person at all.

• Understanding group dynamics is a must, too; does the group of people have a ton of inside jokes and have more difficulty accepting outsiders, or are the people up for anything? This can help you figure out how much to put yourself out there.
• If someone is smiling and walking slowly like she has no place to go, then yeah, she'd rather talk to you than someone who is sweating bullets, furiously scrolling through his text messages, or walking a mile a minute.

Focus on the moment. When you're talking to people, focus on what is happening: the nature of the conversation, the expression on the person's face, what everyone in the conversation is contributing, and so on. Don't fret about what you said five minutes ago or about what you'll say in five minutes when you have a chance to step in with a comment. Remember the part about letting go of your self-consciousness? Well, that applies not only to your everyday thoughts, but especially to your mindset during a conversation.

• If you're too busy worrying about everything you've said or will say, then you'll be less likely to pay attention or to make a meaningful contribution to the conversation. If you're distracted or nervous, other people will be able to tell.
• If you notice yourself getting really distracted or worried about the conversation while you're having it, then count your in and out breaths to yourself until you've counted to 10 or 20 (without losing the thread of the conversation, of course!). This should make you more aware of the moment and less obsessed over the other details.

Start saying "yes" and stop with the excuses. If you want to make a habit of coming out of your shell, then it's not just about mastering your social game in the moment. It's about making a habit of hanging out with people, attending new events, and keeping your social life active. You may say no to things because you're afraid of social situations, don't want to feel awkward if you don't know enough people at the event, or because you'd just rather hang out by yourself than with other people. Well, the excuses stop today.

• The next time someone asks you to do something, ask yourself if you're just saying no out of fear or laziness, and not for a legitimate reason. If it’s fear keeping you in, say “no” to the fear and go out!
• You don't have to say yes to going to the "bug lover's" club of the random girl in your homeroom or to absolutely everything you're asked to do. Just make a goal of saying yes more often. You can do that.

Extend more invitations. Part of coming out of your shell isn't just accepting to do what others want to do, but to start planning your own stuff, too. If you want to be known as a more social person, and one who is willing to put him or herself out there, then you should be the one to take the initiative some of the time. Even if you're just inviting people over to order pizza and watch Scandal, or asking a friend from class to go grab a cup of coffee, you'll be known as a person who has stuff going on.^[26]

• Sure, that 'ol fear of rejection may be creeping up again. People may say no, but that'll be because they're busy, most likely.
• Plus, if you invite people to stuff, then they'll be more likely to invite you to do stuff.

Know that you can't change completely. If you're an incredibly shy, introverted person, then yeah, it's unlikely that you'll be a big chatterbox after a month. Introverted people can't really become true extroverts, especially overnight, but they can certainly modify their behavior and attitude. Besides, you don't have to be a complete extrovert or to be the most outgoing person in the room to come out of your shell and emphasize your best qualities.^[27]

• That is, don't be frustrated if you can't get yourself to start dancing on tables and charming everyone in sight. You may not want that anyway.

Remember to recharge your batteries. If you're the type who is a definite introvert, then you'll need time to recharge your batteries after a social interaction or just because. Classic extroverts gain their energy from other people, while introverts actually get drained from being around other people. And if your battery gets drained, then you need to refuel by giving yourself a few hours to be alone.

• Though you may be set on making your social calendar more packed, always remember to plug in some "me time," even if it feels inconvenient.

Find your people. Let's face it. At the end of the day, you may never be able to come out of your shell to a perfect stranger. However, as you get more comfortable with coming out of your shell, you can find the people who really get you and who really make you comfortable. Maybe it's just a group of your five close friends who really let you let loose, sing like an idiot, and dance to "The Macarena." But this core group can help you put yourself out there when it comes to the general public.

• Finding your people will help you feel more comfortable with yourself, gain confidence, and to come out of your shell in the long run. What could be better than that?