How to Make a Narcissist Respect You

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: May 9, 2022 References

If you have a narcissist in your life, you may not feel appreciated or valued. You might even think the person is putting you down in order to feel better about themselves. So, what can you do to earn their respect? While you can't make a person who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) truly respect you, there are things you can do to enforce your boundaries and get your needs met.

1

Recognize that narcissists aren’t capable of respect.

People with NPD lack empathy, so they aren't able to truly respect you. Narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosable condition in which people have a lack of empathy and a delusional sense of self-worth.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
Go to source} If you're hoping to earn their respect, realize that a reciprocal relationship based on trust might not be possible.
- People with NPD can work with therapists, so they're able to relate to people better. While there's no cure for NPD, talk therapy can help them develop social and emotional skills over time.^{[2]
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2

Show them that you’re high value.

People with NPD appreciate things or qualities that they want. If they don't think you have value, they'll shut you down or blatantly disrespect you. The closest you can get to earning their respect is to show them that you're more capable, more skilled, or more valuable than they are.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.}
- For instance, they're drawn to people who have social status, valuable possessions, high-end jobs, or an exceptional appearance.
- You could remind them that you just got a promotion, or highlight how many followers you have on social media.

3

Be confident and self-assured.

Someone with NPD sees you as "less than" them, so show them they're wrong.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.} They may put you down, but you can let them see that you value yourself, and that's all that matters. Do things that make you feel empowered or repeat kind mantras that help you work through challenges with the narcissist.
- For instance, you might tell yourself, "I have really great social skills. It's easy for me to talk with others," or, "I have a real gift when it comes to caring for others."

4

Respect yourself.

Show them the way you expect to be treated. It's easy to start believing what the person with NPD tells you, but they may be purposely trying to lower your self-esteem. Stop these feelings of low self-worth by repeating positive mantras like:^{[5]
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- "I'm in charge of my own life."
- "I don't need their approval or permission."
- "I deserve to be treated with respect."
- "I am worthy of love and kindness."

5

Treat them with respect.

Getting rude or disrespectful might be what the person wants. Instead of getting angry and giving the person with NPD a taste of their own medicine, rise above the urge. Count to 10, take deep breaths, or visualize something peaceful. Then, speak kindly and use a calm tone. Don't try to upset them; instead, show them the behavior you wish you could see from them.^{[6]
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- If you're defensive or you try to embarrass them, it could cause more pushback or arguments.
- If you don't think you can react to the person in a level-headed way, take a break and just don't respond. They might stop trying to upset you.

6

Keep emotional distance.

Someone with NPD won't fulfill your needs, so protect yourself. If you're in a relationship with the person, recognize that they aren't looking for a partner. They want someone who makes them feel good about themselves; they probably don't consider your emotional needs. If this is your partner, acknowledge their limitations and put as much space between you as possible. Then, decide if the relationship is fulfilling your needs.^{[7]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- If you're dealing with a co-worker or friend with NPD, limit how much you confide in them. Better yet, keep the relationship professional or friendly without sharing your deeper feelings.

7

Maintain your independence.

Keep control of your financial and life choices so you can leave if you need to. If you feel like the person with NPD makes every decision or governs your life, don't wait around for their respect. Take steps to put yourself back in control. By making your own decisions, you'll find that you aren't as concerned about earning their respect.^{[8]
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- For instance, do you have career goals? Maybe it's time to sign up for classes or get some interviews.
- If you're in a relationship with the person, ensure that you have a separate bank account so you can take care of yourself if need be.

8

Set boundaries with the narcissist.

Express your boundaries so the person knows what behavior you expect. Spend time identifying what you want from the relationship and what behaviors are unacceptable to you.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Expert Interview. 1 April 2019.} Include consequences, so they know what to expect if they disregard your boundaries. Consequences might be walking away, labeling their behavior, or spending time away from home. For instance, boundaries could be:^{[10]
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- "I'm going to walk away if you can't stop yelling."
- "I won't keep talking with you if you keep insulting me or calling me names."
- "I will not put up with disrespect behind my back. If you have a problem with me, let's talk."

9

Stand firm when it comes to your needs.

Be willing to stick to your boundaries if the person violates them. Chances are, they'll respect you less if you allow them to disregard your boundaries. Instead, call out their behavior in a calm impersonal way. Then, follow through with the consequence, so the person knows that you demand respect.^{[11]
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- For instance, they may try to get into an argument or defend their actions, but don't let them. Take a deep breath and walk away so they realize that you're not going to give them what they want.^{[12]
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10

Spend time around people who do respect you.

Remind yourself that your support system is there for you emotionally. A person with narcissistic personality disorder might isolate you from your friends or family. Make a point of meeting up with people you trust and love, so you have the care and attention you need.^{[13]
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- It's natural to feel upset, frustrated, or confused when dealing with a narcissistic person. It might help you to talk with a therapist. They can give you coping and communication tips that can make you feel more empowered in the relationship.

11

End the relationship if you feel like it’s toxic.

It might be time to end things if the relationship is negatively affecting your health. If your mental health is suffering and you realize your relationship with the person is toxic, prioritize your well-being. This can be especially hard if they're a close friend, relative, or even your spouse, but you deserve to be in healthy, supportive relationships.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}
- It's probably time to end the relationship if you feel threatened, manipulated, controlled, or if the conversations are becoming more heated.
- If you're being emotionally or verbally abused, prioritize your safety—don't hesitate to contact a domestic abuse hotline like 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 911.