How to Know if You Love Someone

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Figuring out whether you're actually in love can seem intimidating, but don't worry! We've done the research, and for most people, the best way to figure out if you're in love or not is to step back and view your relationship objectively. Once you figure out how this person affects your emotions, think about how you act around them. Are you extra generous, willing to go the extra mile, and genuinely thrilled about their successes? It could be love!

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Evaluating Your Emotions

1
Retrace how your emotions developed. Think back to when you first met your crush. Try to recall if you still feel the same or if your feelings have grown since then. What's commonly called “love at first sight” is often a sudden physical attraction, or infatuation. Love, on the other hand, increases over time from mere attraction to something deeper.^{[1]
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2
Make a list of pros and cons. Think about what you like and don't like about your crush. Seeing your reasons on paper might help you to better assess your feelings.^{[2]
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Research source} Noting their drawbacks will toss a little cold water on your passions and let you think a little clearer about what it is that you do like. Make each side as long as you can. Don't worry about how major or trivial each pro or con is. Write down everything that comes to mind. You could include:
- Pros: good-looking, kind, someone I can talk to
- Cons: disorganized, immature at times, can be needy
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3
Evaluate your list. Analyze your pros and cons in terms of whether you're looking at reality or an idealized image of your crush. Circle or highlight which pros intensify your feelings and which cons don't affect how you feel. Evaluate whether those reasons are trivial or significant. If you can't accept the whole person—flaws and all—you're not in love.^{[3]
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- For example, you might be in love if you overlook their messiness because you're too busy appreciating their generosity or engaging conversations.
- On the other hand, you might not be in love if the sight of them makes feel warm and fuzzy, but you can't imagine a future with them.
4
Check for empathy. Pay attention to whether you share their happiness or sadness when they tell you good or bad news. For example, if you start to tear up when your crush tearfully tells you their grandmother died, you're feeling their pain. This is a good sign that you're in love.^{[4]
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5
Evaluate how you feel when they're not around. Ask yourself whether you mean it when you say, “I miss you.” Most lasting romantic love has an underlying bond that remains relatively steady over time. This doesn't mean you fret over missing them every second; in fact, that would be an unhealthy kind of attachment. But, missing your partner and wanting to bond with them is a key element of love.^{[5]
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EXPERT TIP

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

As you start getting attached to someone, you begin really missing them when they're gone. Another clue is that even as you start seeing their flaws more clearly, you appreciate them more deeply as a person.
6
Analyze your future plans. Imagine your life in five or ten years. Consider the impact of career changes, children, and relocations. Consider whether you're willing to face minor and life-threatening illnesses with this person. Think about taking care of them—or them taking care of you—as you grow old. If you can imagine a long-term future with this person, it's probably love.^{[6]
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7
Consider whether this person has changed you. This doesn't mean you've done a complete 180 on your personality. Rather, reflect on whether you've expanded your horizons as a result of your crush. For example, maybe you never considered spending your weekend planting trees before your crush asked you to join them on a reforesting project. Now that you've done it, you feel this newfound connection with nature, and you owe it all to them. If you feel like this person has changed you for the better, it could be love.^{[7]
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Notice how mundane things affect you. Take a mental note of how you feel the next time you and your crush do unexciting, everyday things together. For example, you normally hate grocery shopping but suddenly look forward to it because they're going to be with you. This is a sign that you could be in love. On the other hand, if you're still bored to tears and can't wait to do something fun, it's probably just infatuation.^{[8]
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9
Think about the “green-eyed monster.” Notice how you feel when your crush talks to your potential rivals. Make a note of how you feel when those potential rivals flirt with your crush. You should also consider whether you suspect your crush might lose interest in you as a result of the flirtation. Periodic jealousy is actually a healthy reaction that can make you want to hang on to someone a bit tighter. In fact, you could be in love if you feel it.^{[9]
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- On the other hand, if you're suspicious and feel the urge to spy on your crush, it's not love. At least it's not healthy love. It's likely gone beyond infatuation into 'obsession'.^{[10]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Evaluating Your Actions

1
Take a little break. When you're with other people, split up and mingle. Try your best to stay engaged in the conversation. If you find yourself zoning out and looking around for your crush, the potential for love is there. If you catch them stealing a glance at you, the feeling might be mutual.
2
Note your physical reactions. Consider involuntary responses when you're around your crush. Look out for rapid heart rate, hot flashes, shaky hands, and sweaty palms. Notice whether you suddenly clam up out of fear of what to say. Reactions like these signal lust and infatuation, not love.^{[11]
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3
Evaluate your generosity. Consider how often you share your possessions with this person (or how prepared you are to do so). Imagine they want to borrow that rare vinyl album you just bought at auction. If you share or are willing to share, it could be love.^{[12]
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4
Consider how often you make sacrifices. This doesn't mean giving up your career plans or letting your crush take advantage of you. It does mean giving a little to brighten their day. Think about the last time this person was sick. If you canceled your weekend binge-watching to take care of them, you could be in love. On the other hand, if your first reaction was to complain, it's infatuation at best.^{[13]
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5
Pay attention to mirroring. Love makes you feel comfortable. In relaxed situations, you're likely to imitate the other person's actions, even if you're not aware of it. Make a mental note if you catch yourself taking a sip of coffee almost at exactly the same time they do. It's not a surefire sign of love, but it increases the likelihood.^{[14]
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6
Evaluate your responses to their successes. This is especially important when your crush succeeds at something you've failed at. For example, they were awarded the promotion you were vying for. If your first reaction is to throw a party, you're likely in love. On the other hand, if you mumble a disappointed “That's nice” and avoid them the rest of the day, it's just infatuation.^{[15]
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7
Consider your larger social circle. Think about the number of friends and family members you've introduced this person to (or want to introduce them to). Ask yourself how important it is that they like this person. If you've introduced them to your best friend(s) and closest family members, and if you really want them to like this person, you could be in love.^{[16]
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Warnings

Be careful when saying and literally meaning, “I'd do anything for them.” There's a difference between being generous and being a doormat. Don't let anyone take advantage of you.

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