How Do Narcissists Treat Their Exes? (What They Do & How to Handle It)

Know what to expect in the aftermath of a breakup with a narcissist

If you've recently ended a relationship with a narcissist, you might be wondering: what comes next? People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) typically have a grandiose ego while lacking empathy for others, so it’s very possible they won’t accept the breakup gracefully. Breaking up with a narcissist is emotionally taxing, but it can be easier to navigate if you’re prepared for what your ex might do in the future. Read on for a comprehensive overview of how narcissists treat their exes, complete with tips for getting through the breakup and moving on to better things.

Things You Should Know

  • Your ex might try to emotionally manipulate you back into a relationship or flirt and make advances to try and catch your eye again.
  • A narcissistic ex might contact you repeatedly and even harass you if you won’t talk to them. In extreme cases, they might even violate court orders to get to you.
  • They might entirely blame you for the breakup and refuse to accept responsibility. A narcissistic ex might also try to gaslight you into believing you’re at fault.
  • Cut contact with a narcissistic ex for your protection. If you have to be around them, stay calm, try not to react to their hurtful words, and be as distant as possible.
Section 1 of 4:

Things Narcissists Do After a Breakup

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    They may want to remain friends with you after the breakup. Your narcissistic ex might try “hoovering,” where they’ll tell you they want to be friends and subtly try to suck you back into a relationship (and back into the same unhealthy patterns you likely experienced before).[1] Hoovering allows your ex to control the narrative surrounding your breakup, and continue to use you as a source of one-sided attention and admiration.
    • What to do: The safest course of action is often to ignore them. Then, the narcissist might realize they have no power over you anymore.
    • Ultimately, it’s your decision whether you want to remain friends with a narcissistic ex, but be wary: it’s very possible that this is a power play, and they’ll become just as manipulative as they were before.
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    They’ll try to manipulate you emotionally. A narcissistic ex won’t hesitate to use emotional manipulation to keep you in their life. They might try love-bombing, where they’ll shower you with affection and compliments to get you to come back to them. They might also make all kinds of false promises about how they’ve changed and say exactly what you want to hear in order to win you over once again.[2]
    • What to do: If your ex is a narcissist, you’ve probably seen them love-bombing before—which means you know it’s just for show. Tell them you have no intention of resuming the relationship, no matter what.
    • Keep in mind that if you do reunite with a narcissistic ex, they’ll likely go right back to their bad behavior once they feel like they have control over you again.
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    They’ll keep harassing you even if you try to go no-contact. Whether you agreed to remain friends or not, a narcissistic ex might disregard any boundaries you’ve tried to set.[3] They’ll stalk you on social media and text and call you after you tell them to stop. They might even breach court orders or agreements made after a divorce just because they want to get a response from you.
    • What to do: You may feel angry or distressed by this behavior, but try not to react emotionally to your ex. Ask them to stop contacting you and get their promise in writing if possible.
    • Then, go ahead and block them on every platform you can, from their phone number to social media.
    • If your ex still won’t give up, report their harassment. Stalking is a serious offense, so consider filing a police report and getting a restraining order if your ex tries to get near you in person.
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    They may attack your self-esteem and devalue you. After ending a relationship with a narcissistic ex, they might become quite vindictive. They may try to get a rise out of you with cruel and triggering comments that poke at your insecurities, devalue you, and damage your self-esteem. A narcissist likely won’t hesitate to use the deeply personal things they know about you to put you down.
    • What to do: Stay calm and try not to take your ex’s comments to heart as much as it might hurt. Remember: they’re doing this to try and control you, not because you’ve done anything to warrant such cruel treatment.
    • The more your ex can see their words affect you, the more likely they'll double down and keep at it. Try to rein in your emotions around your ex—and, if you need to, vent to someone you trust about it later.
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    They might flirt with you or make sexual advances. In some cases, narcissists will miss the feeling of being desired by you and may keep flirting and making advances after you break up. They may even try to kiss you when they see you in person or aggressively pursue a sexual relationship with you to try and get you back in their life as quickly as possible.[4]
    • What to do: Say no, and stay away from them. It may not be safe for you to be around your ex, so go no-contact with them and tell someone you trust about what’s going on.
    • If your ex won’t take no for an answer, reporting their behavior to the police and getting a restraining order might be your best option.
    • Aggressive advances are another control tactic for a narcissistic person; they want to pull you back into a relationship without giving you time to really think it over.
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    They’ll blame you for the breakup entirely. No matter what really led to the breakup, a narcissistic ex will turn you into their scapegoat and gaslight you into thinking you brought on the end of the relationship. Not only will they tell you that it’s all your fault, but they’ll also spread lies to their family and mutual friends so they can save face—and get more sympathy.[5]
    • What to do: If your ex tries to blame you and gaslight you, stand your ground. Don’t argue, but don’t accept their skewed story, either. Tell them that you remember things differently and that what’s done is done.
    • A narcissistic ex trying to gaslight you might say things like, “Your craziness forced me to break up with you,” or “You didn’t care about this relationship enough.”
    • Although it’s tempting to try and argue their wild accusations, keep in mind that it probably won’t resolve anything; narcissists normally refuse to take responsibility for their actions.
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    They could try to blackmail you. During your relationship, you may have trusted your ex enough to share secrets or private images with them. Once the relationship ends, they might try to hold that information over your head. Scaring you with the possibility of blackmail gives them a sense of control and makes them feel more powerful than you—two things narcissists crave.[6]
    • What to do: In most cases, narcissists won’t actually act on their threats, which means it’s best to ignore them rather than try to get back at them.
    • It’s natural to feel scared or ashamed when someone you trusted baits you with a secret or a revealing photo, but remember that you’re not the one doing something wrong—they are. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
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    They’ll try to sabotage your future relationships. While you're trying to move on from your narcissistic ex, they might keep finding ways to mess with your new relationships. They might tell your new love interest lies designed to paint you in a bad light or start texting you and flirting with you when they know you’re on a date. Essentially, they may try to make your new partner jealous and ensure you stay single.[7]
    • What to do: Keeping your narcissistic ex well away from your personal life is the most important thing, so talk to your new partner about how you can both drop all contact with them.
    • A narcissistic ex’s true motivation for keeping you single is so they can manipulate you back into a relationship where you’re under their control again. Thwart them by working with your new partner to keep your ex out of your life.
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Section 2 of 4:

Do narcissists miss their exes?

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    True narcissists (people with NPD) don’t usually miss their exes. What narcissists do miss, however, is the attention you gave them when you were together. They need their "narcissistic supply," someone to be a constant source of care and support. If a narcissistic ex says they want you in their life again, it’s less about genuinely missing you and more about missing the control they had over you.
    • If you do have a narcissistic ex, it can really hurt to discover that they care more about what they can get from you than they care about you, yourself.
    • The most important thing to remember is that their lack of concern for you isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong to make them treat you this way—it’s about them, not you.
Section 3 of 4:

Will narcissists go back to their ex?

  1. Many narcissists feel the urge to go back to their exes after a breakup. Narcissists like to feel superior and often make those close to them feel inferior as a result. Your ex might try to get you back because they like having someone to control and belittle. Since they already know you (and your insecurities) so well, going back to you might feel easier than starting from scratch with someone new.
    • Understand narcissists often react from a place of deep insecurity. While that doesn’t excuse abusive behavior, being aware of it can make it easier to shut them out and ignore their hurtful words.
    • On the other hand, a narcissist might replace you quickly with someone else if they felt like there was no chance of a reunion or if they wanted to try and make you jealous enough to come back to them.
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Section 4 of 4:

Signs Your Ex is a Narcissist

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    They have an inflated sense of ego. Many people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) want to feel superior, special, and powerful compared to those around them. They tend to crave constant praise and validation from others and may lean on their partner for it (if they have one).[8] Your ex might be a narcissist if they have the following qualities:
    • They act self-important and think they’re superior to most people.
    • They feel like they deserve special treatment from everyone.
    • They demand the best of everything (and get upset when denied).
    • They overexaggerate their achievements to look good.
    • They brag a lot and come off as arrogant to others.
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    They lack empathy for others. NPD is a personality disorder that can lead to very dysfunctional relationships, and a large part of that is due to a narcissist’s inability to care for others or understand their feelings. People with NPD might find most relationships unfulfilling, and other people may steer clear of them because of this. Consider whether any of the following applies to your ex:
    • They take advantage of others to get what they want.
    • They never talk about their past.
    • They never introduced you to their friends and family or talked about them.
    • They’re unwilling to acknowledge your feelings or anyone else’s.
    • They expect other people to do what they want without question.
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    They’re insecure and react badly to criticism. A narcissist’s mask of overexaggerated confidence is just that—a mask. Underneath the front they present to the world, narcissists often suffer from a lack of self-worth, which is why they seem to have such a temper and get upset if they think someone is criticizing them.[9] Ask yourself whether your ex does the following:
    • They struggle to manage their emotions and keep their anger in check.
    • They get depressed when something they do isn’t absolutely perfect.
    • They avoid any situation where there’s a possibility of failure.
    • They get defensive very quickly when they feel like someone is criticizing them.
    • They get angry if they feel like they aren’t getting special treatment.
    • They’re secretly terrified of being seen as a failure or a fraud.
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Warnings

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References

  1. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
  2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202103/why-narcissists-and-abusers-wont-let-go-and-what-you-can-do
  5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201911/three-ways-narcissists-manipulate-their-partners
  7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  8. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
  9. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

About This Article

Jay Reid, LPCC
Co-authored by:
Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
This article was co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Glenn Carreau. Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.
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Co-authors: 3
Updated: March 19, 2023
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Categories: Narcissistic Personality Disorder | Former Relationships
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