How to Help a Self Isolating Friend

Co-authored by Natalia S. David, PsyD

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

It can be hard when you have a friend who seems like they are self-isolating. You may wonder if their behavior is okay or if it should worry you. You may also wonder what you should do to get them engaged in the world again. You can start by encouraging them to socialize, then move on to determining if your friend actually wants or needs your help. In some cases, they may not. Next, you can try to boost their self-esteem and also help by addressing any deeper issues that may be causing your friend to self-isolate.

Things You Should Know

If your friend is going through a rough time and they’ve asked for some space, it is usually best to give it to them if they aren’t dealing with any life-threatening mental health issues.
Try checking in with your friend over the phone or via video chat to see how they’re doing without infringing on their space.
Ask your friend if they need help or have something they want to discuss; even if they don’t take you up on it now, they might reach out later.
Keep inviting them to things and don’t put them down if they’re just “staying in for the night.” The gesture will still mean a lot to them.
If you’re seriously worried about your friend’s wellbeing, reach out to their parents, roommates, or even law enforcement (for a wellness check), but don’t force yourself into their home if that’s not your place.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Determining if They Want or Need Help

1
Recognize when they need help. Sometimes self-isolation can be a sign of a bigger problem.^{[1]
X
Research source} They may be trying to cope with abuse or trauma, alcohol and drug abuse, or mental health issues, such as depression. Your friend may not even realize that their problems are causing them to isolate themselves. Recognize when your friend’s isolation isn’t just them being shy or introverted so that you can support them in getting the help they need.
- Look for other signs that there may be a problem. For example, mood swings, changes in appetite or sleep habits, nervousness, and agitation may all be signs of a mental health or substance abuse problem. Consider whether you have noticed these changes over time or if they happened suddenly. The onset of your friend’s symptoms can help you to understand it better.
- Ask other people close to your friend if they have any concerns. You might say, for instance, “Have you noticed anything that worries you about Daniel?”
2
Ask if they want help. In some cases, your friend might not be self-isolating. You may not want to accept it, but your friendship might be fading. Your friend might also be voluntarily separating from society. One direct way to determine if your friend wants or needs help with their self-isolation is to ask them.
- You might, for example, ask your friend if they feel lonely. You might say, “Do you feel lonely or isolated very often?”
- Or, you could say, “Sometimes it seems like you're isolating yourself. Is this on purpose or is there something I can help with?”
Advertisement
3
Respect introversion. Some people aren’t as social as other people by choice. They may prefer, and even thrive off of time alone.^{[2]
X
Research source} If your friend is an introvert, you may not need to help them at all. Unless they show other signs of a problem, respect that they enjoy time alone and appreciate and make the most of the time you spend together.
- Make an effort to spend time with your friend, but if they make it clear that they want or need some alone time, then respect that.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Encouraging Them to Socialize

1
Spend time one-on-one. Quality time with just you and your friend can help your friend in a lot of ways. Your time together gives you the opportunity to address your friend’s isolating behavior. It also gives them a chance to spend time with someone they're comfortable with, which may motivate them to be more social.
- You might just want to spend some time just being in each other’s presence. You don’t have to do or say anything while you're together.
- You could also make plans for the two of you to do something, like watch a movie together or go for a hike.
2
Invite them to social events. You can help a self-isolating friend by encouraging them to participate in social activities. You can do this by inviting your friend to hang out and do things with you and other people.^{[3]
X
Research source} Being in social situations with someone that they can trust can help give them the confidence they need to stop isolating themselves.
- For example, if you’re planning to volunteer at your local community center, ask your friend to come along.
- Or, as another example, you could invite your friend to come along with you to a party or other social event.
3
Support their interests. People are more likely to participate in activities that they enjoy so make some time to do things that your friend enjoys doing. Letting your friend know that you support their activities and hobbies can help encourage them to participate in those activities more. When they know someone cares about their interests, it can help them stop isolating themselves, as well as boost their self-esteem.
- If you feel like you don’t know enough about your friend’s interests, then ask them, “What are some of the things that you like to do?”
- Tell your friend you want to do something that interests them. You might say, “Let’s do what you enjoy. Tell me what will get you out of the house.”
4
Encourage others to socialize with your friend. Enlisting the help of others can be very useful when you’re trying to help a self-isolating friend. You can ask other people who care about your friend to help you encourage the friend to socialize.
- For instance, you might say, “Could you invite Toni out sometime? I think she’s starting to self-isolate and time with you can help.”
- Or, you could tell a mutual friend, “I think it might help Mark stop self-isolating if you go by and spend some time with him.”
5
Keep trying. It can be frustrating when you're trying to help someone be more social but they seem to be resisting your efforts. Don’t give up on your friend, though. Keep working with your friend on ending their self-isolation. Over time, your persistence will pay off and you’ll help your friend become more social.
- Don’t stop inviting your friend places or trying to socialize with them. Even if they seem to always refuse, keep trying to get them to be less isolated.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Boosting Their Self-Esteem

1
Help them list their good qualities. Your friend may be self-isolating because of insecurities they have or other issues with their self-esteem. One way that you can help them is to make a list of their positive qualities or help them make one. Seeing all the great things about themselves can help them feel more confident and stop self-isolating.
- Write down ten things you like about your friend and give them the list. Better yet, read the list to your friend and explain why you wrote each thing.
- Tell your friend to add to the list. Tell them to list their skills, personality traits, and other positive characteristics.
2
Tell them how great they are. Your words, validation, encouragement, and support can go a long way to help them stop isolating themselves. It lets them know that you support and care about them. It can also give them the self-esteem boost they need to socialize more and enjoy the world.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you don’t have to lavish your friend with praise, but you might say something like, “I really like how you can be persistent. Your dedication is inspiring.”
- Or, for example, you could tell your friend, “You really have a way of putting people at ease. It helps make a lot of situations much better.”
3
Update their image. People are less likely to be social when they aren’t comfortable with how they look or how they think people perceive them. Your friend may be self-isolating because of insecurities they have with their appearance or reputation. Help your friend boost their self-esteem and stop self-isolating by giving them advice and support for updating their image.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you could help your friend go through their closet and put together some stylish new outfits.
- Or, for example, you can help them work on smiling more and seeming more approachable.
4
Practice social situations with them. Some people isolate themselves, not because they want to, but because they aren't confident in social situations. They aren’t sure what to say or do. You can help a self-isolating friend by working with them on ways to feel more comfortable socializing. Your practice can give them the self-confidence they need to stop isolating themselves.^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
Go to source}
- Practice conversing with people. For example, have your friend practice introducing themselves to you or starting a conversation.
- Role play various social situations. For instance, you might walk through what to do at a party or how to talk to someone at a sporting event.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Addressing Problems That Lead to Their Self Isolation

1
Stand up to bullying. Being picked on, teased, or physically hurt by your peers on a regular basis could lead anyone to self-isolate and bullying often does lead to self-isolation.^{[7]
X
Research source} The best way to help your friend stop self-isolating when there’s a bully involved is to be there for them. You should also report it to a teacher or other authority figure that you trust.
- Try to be around your friend when they are usually bullied. Just having you there can give your friend courage and cause the bully to think twice.
- You can tell your coach, for example, “Some of the teammates are bullying my friend. Can you help us work this situation out?”
2
Seek help for substance abuse problems. You can help a self-isolating friend by encouraging them to get help for any alcohol or drug abuse problems that they have. Problems such as this often lead people to isolate themselves in an attempt to either hide their problem or continue using.^{[8]
X
Research source} Let them know that you think they have a problem and talk to them about seeking treatment.
- You could tell your friend, “I’m concerned about the effect your drinking is having on you. You don’t do things you used to do and we barely spend time together. I think you need help.”
- If your friend is under 18, you should talk to an ad you trust about what’s going on. For example, you might say, “One of my friends is having a problem with prescription pills. What should I do?”
3
Encourage treatment for mental health issues. Self-isolation can be an indicator of mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, and food disorders.^{[9]
X
Research source} If you think your friend is struggling with mental health issues, you should talk to them about getting treatment. Treating their mental health problems can help them stop self-isolating and help them overall.
- Ask your friend to see a therapist to help them any emotional or mental health issues they're experiencing.
- If your friend is a child or teen, talk to a trusted adult about your concerns for your friend. For example, you might tell your parent, “I think my friend has depression. How should I handle it.”
4
Handle abuse and other trauma. In some cases, the reason for self-isolation may be because your friend is being abused or has experienced something else traumatic.^{[10]
X
Research source} If you suspect that this might be the case, you can help your friend by talking to them about the situation and reporting to the proper authorities if necessary.
- You might tell your friend, “I think some things have been happening to you that worry me. Can we talk about it?”
- Or, you might say, “I think you might be being abused. Can we talk about what’s going on and how we can stop it?”
- You can also help them contact an abuse hotline like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or the National Child Abuse hotline at 1-800-422-4453.

Warnings

If your friend is isolating themselves because of something traumatic or concerning, you should encourage them to get help. If they can’t or won’t, you might have to seek help for them.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0