How to Handle Valentine's Day in a New Relationship

Last Updated: February 10, 2023 References Approved

Valentine’s Day for new couples may feel as awkward as a 10-ton gorilla doing ballet, given that your feelings for one another are very new and you're not sure where your relationship is headed. Whether you’ve been on only one date or have been seeing each other for a few weeks, the dreaded red-hearted holiday can make even the most confident dater feel insecure about how to approach the holiday. However, having a simple conversation about the holiday or picking a low-key gift or event can take the stress out of the day and turn it into something you enjoy.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking About It and Making a Plan

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Ignore it if it's too soon. If you've only been on a date or two, it's probably best to ignore Valentine's Day altogether. Jumping on a romantic holiday may push your potential date away, so it's probably a good idea to skip it for this year.^{[1]
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Ask yourself what you really want. Think about how long you've been in the relationship, and how much you realistically expect the other person to contribute. If you think dinner and a card is reasonable, get the other person a card and ask him or her out to dinner on or near the day.^{[2]
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Talk to your new crush. One way to alleviate the stress is to simply talk to your crush about it. You can suggest keeping it low-key since you're new to the relationship, as well as make a plan for a nice dinner or an outing if you'd like.^{[3]
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- For instance, you could say, "Our relationship is still pretty new. Why don't we keep Valentine's Day low-key? We could say no gifts, though cards are fine. Do you want to have a nice dinner together?"
- Ask the other person what they think of Valentine’s Day. Some folks actually despise the holiday, referring to it as a “Hallmark” holiday. It might be a good idea to even take the other person’s temperature about how they even feel about it before pursuing a date on the day. For example, you could say, "I know our relationship is still in the early stages, so I thought maybe we could talk about what we want to do for Valentine's Day. Are you a fan of the holiday, or do you prefer to ignore it?"
- Discuss the fact that you’ve only been dating a short time and that you're both now confronted with a highly romantic holiday. Be honest about how bizarre it is to begin a new relationship as other couples are declaring their love from the rooftops. Let the other person know that you get the fact that both of you may not be ready just yet for poems and love songs. As an example, you could say, "So, Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't really know how to treat it since we haven't been dating very long. What do you think we should do? I know we're probably not ready for poems or love songs, haha, but I thought I would bring it up."
- One option is agreeing to ignore Valentine's Day altogether if you're both happy with that option.
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Make a compromise. If you both want different things, try to make a compromise. For instance, if your new crush prefers something fancy, but you'd prefer to keep it low-key, maybe you could settle for a fancy home-cooked dinner. If you like to do it up big, but your crush seems uncomfortable with that, try to tone it down a bit. If your new crush is a someone who gets you, you should be able to find a reasonable compromise.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Getting a Gift or Card

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Keep it simple. At this point in the game, you don't want to be too extravagant, as you can scare the other person off. A diamond necklace is over-the-top and too much if the relationship is still new. However, flowers or a nice box of candy may go over well.^{[4]
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- Definitely keep it under $50 if you've only been dating a month or two.^{[5]
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- Also, it's a good idea to skip any type of sexy or sexual gift (such as lingerie) this early in the relationship. You don't want to scare the person off.
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Try a cute card. You may not want to get too mushy at this point, but a little mushiness mixed with some humor is fine. For instance, you may not want to pick a card that says "I'll love you forever!" but a whimsical card that says "I think you're cute!" or "You make my heart go pitter-patter!" would work better.
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Bake something. Another option is to bake your new crush a sweet treat. A batch of brownies or cookies is thoughtful, but you're not throwing a huge amount of money at the person.
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Gift your favorite book or movie. This gift is personal, as you're giving a bit of yourself to the other person. However, it's not so personal that you'll drive the other person away. It's sweet and thoughtful, but not over-the-top. Just be sure you know your crush's preferred method of reading books (digital or book form) or watching movies. As an added bonus, you could watch the movie together on Valentine's Day.^{[6]
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- Don't forget to add a note in the cover if you give a book, including why you enjoy it. It can act as card and gift.
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Go with a classic. Flowers, candy, and wine are always good gifts, but try to do it with a bit of a twist. For instance, if you get flowers, consider getting a pretty potted plant that will continue to bloom or a small pot of succulents. If you know his or her favorite candy or wine, wrap it up in a pretty package.^{[7]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Picking an Event

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Consider just getting drinks. A nice, no-pressure event for Valentine's Day could be going to have drinks. If alcohol isn't your thing, you could get coffee instead. That way, you don't have the pressure of creating a monumentally romantic evening.^{[8]
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Try cooking a nice meal. If you're far enough along in your relationship that you want more than just drinks, try cooking a meal for your lover. It's not as big an expenditure as a fancy restaurant, but it still shows you're thinking about the person.
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Enjoy a nice lunch or daytime event. You don't have to go out at night! A lunch or daytime event is less romantic than dinner. Doing a fun daytime event could take the pressure off the holiday while still letting you have fun. Keep your day-date casual and low-key.
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Go out around the holiday. If the relationship is still new, maybe you want to acknowledge the holiday somehow. However, with restaurants so busy on the day and lots of pressure about being in love, maybe it's best not to go out on the actual day. Instead, try going out the day before or after. That way, you still have a good time, but there's not as much pressure.
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Take a stroll through a park or have a picnic. Another low-key event is to go on a picnic in the park. That way, you don't have the pressure of going to a fancy restaurant, and you can just enjoy each other's company. Plus, you have the added bonus of swing sets if you are the playful type.
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Remember it's just one day. Valentine's Day is only special because the culture acknowledges it to be, but it's really just one day out of the year. Don't worry about it too much if your relationship is new. If it's meant to last, you'll have many Valentine's Days ahead to celebrate your love, though you can also celebrate it every day you spend together.^{[9]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What if you can't buy him anything?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Many guys don't want a Valentine's Day gift, so it's likely something you don't need to worry about. If money is an issue, you could make or do a nice gesture. You might draw something for him or offer to help him with something.
Question

What do I do if I want to make something handmade? How do I make it good but not overwhelming?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

First, don't spend too much on the materials or ingredients you use. You might also personalize a thrifty gift, such as a coffee mug, by putting their name on it.

Warnings

If you can’t come to an understanding or agreement about how you will both approach Valentine’s Day, back away or take a break on that day to avoid a misunderstanding.

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