How to Get a Great Relationship As a Teenager

Co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD

Last Updated: March 12, 2023 References

As you reach your teenage years, you’ll find that your crushes get more intense. You’ll want to pursue your crush in a more intensely romantic way. You’ll desperately want to start a relationship, but it’s hard to find one if you are too afraid of getting your heart broken. The best way to start a romance is by becoming good friends-- then you can build up to the more meaningful romance that you want.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Determining Interest

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Find someone compatible with you. The best way to build a relationship is to start one with someone that you can spend a lot of time around. If someone catches your eye in your after-school activity, it’s far more likely that you’ll be able to talk to them than someone who has completely different interests.
- If you don’t have an after-school activity, you may want to consider joining one, to make new friends as well as to pursue romantic interests. You can also find a person who doesn’t do extracurricular activities and see if they’d be free to do something after school with you.
- It can also be beneficial to find someone that you have a lot of classes with, because there are lots of ways to start a conversation with them. Light-hearted gossip can be okay: “Can you believe what so-and-so said in class today?” You can also suggest studying together: “I get so bored memorizing all those dates and names. Do you want to quiz me later?”
2
Find out more about them. Once you have found someone you are interested in, try to figure out who they really are. It can be easy to fall for someone’s wonderful hair or beautiful eyes, but you know that there’s more to a person than that. You need to be able to hold a conversation if you plan on dating in the future.
- You can always begin a conversation by talking about what you have in common, but you should try to branch out quickly into what is important to your crush. Ask them about their family and other parts of their life. When they tell you, ask for more intimate details. If they tell you that they have your brother, say “Do you get along?” If they tell you that they like music or video games, ask what they like about them, and try to figure out why. The more that you ask, the more that you’ll understand about them. As a bonus, if you act more interested in them, they will be more interested in you.
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3
Hang out as friends. Don’t make a big deal out of spending time together. The best way to do it is to invite them along for something you were going to do anyway. For example, you can say “I was going to swing by the coffee shop before studying after school. Do you want to come with me?”
- This is important for a couple reasons. First, there is no risk in getting rejected if you were going out anyway. Second, it reduces pressure because it is not a date, and you will be comfortable doing something you are accustomed to doing.
- It is important to create a solid base of friendship before you try to embark on a relationship. It will reduce your risk of idealizing your crush in an unrealistic way if you interact with them like one of your friends.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Asking Them Out

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Test the waters. If you’re into someone, the best thing to do is to see if they are interested in you. In the teen years, this stops being so much about teasing and hair-pulling and more about body language and flirting.
- Just talk to them. If they listen to you and remember what you say, then they are interested you at least as friends. If they laugh at your jokes or ask about your life, even better.
- Expressions of affection range from glaringly obvious to extremely subtle. On the obvious end of the spectrum you have unsolicited touching. If they insist upon hugs or playfully poke or smack you, it’s a good sign. On the subtle end, something as simple as where their feet are pointing can be an indicator. If they cross their legs or edge away when you get really close to them, then it’s probably not a good idea to ask them out. ^{[1]
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2
Build up to your confession. Maybe you have text conversations-- keep them going and make sure you stay on their mind. Try to extend one-on-one time with them. Try to see if you can be quiet with them. If you can be excited, but not awkward, you are ready.
3
Let them know you’re into them. Try not to be too intense. Teen crushes can be extremely strong, but to preserve everyone’s feelings, try to take it slow. ^{[2]
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- You may be tempted to say that you are “in love” with your crush. This is an incredibly strong phrase that can seem unreal or scary to someone else. Instead, try to frame your confession in terms of “liking” them.
- It is best to do this at the end of a conversation, so that if they do not reciprocate, you can escape without it getting too awkward. As the conversation dies down, you can say, “I really like talking to you”, or “I really like spending time with you”. These are sort of vague, so they are lower risk. If you feel like they like you back, you can simply say, “I really like you”.
4
Ask them out. You’ve done the hard part: you’ve become their friend and put yourself out there. Now it’s time for the fun part: dates.
- If you regularly hang out in a certain place, it might be as simple as asking them to go to that place with you romantically. For example, “Do you want to go on a date to the arcade? I’ll buy your first two games.”
- If you hang out mostly with friends, or if you want to be more romantic you can ask them out to a new place. For example, “Do you want to go on a date to the movies?” Or, “I know a really beautiful place to watch the sunset. Maybe we can get ice cream and watch it.”

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Keeping the Relationship Healthy

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Establish ground rules for sex. This is likely to occur pretty early on in the relationship, or at least one of you might be thinking about it. It’s important to spell out what you don’t want and what you might be open to. You might be embarrassed, and it might feel somehow un-sexy, but the more you communicate about it, the easier things will be in the long run.
- It’s less than ideal to interrupt with ground rules during a makeout session. If things are going too fast, though, don’t be afraid to tell your partner that you’re not comfortable. It’s more important to be safe. It’s okay to say, “I don’t want to go this fast right now. Can we go back to what we were doing before and talk about it later?”
- If you think that you want to go further and your partner hasn’t shown any signs one way or the other, you should bring this up as well. It’s okay to be matter-of-fact: “I’m interested in having sex in the future, but I don’t want to go faster than you’re comfortable with. What are your feelings about having sex?”
- If you are both on the same page and want to have sex, make sure that you use proper protection ^{[3]
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  Research source}. This can mean condoms, dental dams and birth control in some cases. If one of you has had sexual partners before, they should get an STD test at a local clinic.
2
Communicate with your partner. If something that they do bothers you, don’t let it fester. No one is a mind-reader, and might be surprised at how difficult it is to tell what you are thinking. Try to be open about your feelings.
- If you think that your partner cares more about hanging out with friends than spending time with you, don’t immediately accuse them of neglecting you. Instead, try to find a way for your partner to do what they want while still meeting your needs. For example, “We haven’t hung out much this week. Can we have a date on Saturday?”
- You should be able to disagree about small things without fighting. If anyone is trying to control what the other person thinks or does, it can quickly become an abusive relationship. You should never be afraid of what your partner thinks.
3
Respect them. You should not be dating anyone you do not respect. This is why the friends stage is so important-- you have to think about your partner as a person, not just as a romantic object. ^{[4]
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- Listen to your partner. If you’re dismissing things that they do and calling them stupid, you aren’t respecting them. If you make fun of them to your friends, or don’t defend them to your friends, you aren’t respecting them.
- If your partner forces you to do something that you do not want to do, emotionally or physically, you should end your relationship immediately. If they communicate their wishes and needs, it is normal, but if they don’t consider your own wishes and needs or freak out when they don’t get what they want, it is different. You deserve someone who respects you and your free will.
- Search for things that you respect about your partner-- look for talents they might have, and try to notice when they’ve worked hard on something. When you say, “I really admire your ability to work hard on x”, or “I’ve never seen someone so great at x”, your partner will notice, and by searching, you will see them as more capable too.
4
Trust them. Everyone needs alone time, or time to spend with other people. If you become intensely jealous or possessive of your partner’s time, they might start to feel trapped and controlled.
- If it makes you uncomfortable that your partner is spending time with someone, it might be best to just tell them how you feel. For example, “I get jealous when you spend so much time talking to this person. I just need a reminder that you aren’t interested in anybody else.”

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Warnings

Do not date someone to gain social status, or continue to date them because of what other people might think.

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You may not know yet what gender you want to date. This is okay-- you will never know until you try.

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