How to Deal with Relatives Who Undermine Your Parenting

Last Updated: October 17, 2022 References

“Oh, sure, you can have a lollipop,” says your mother-in-law with a bright, knowing smile. Every ounce of physical strength is required to push down the inappropriate retort that nearly rolled off your tongue. What do you do? Parenting is tough as it is without all the people on the sidelines trying to call the shots. If your parents, in-laws, or partner/ex tends to cut down your parenting decisions, you need to take action right away. Inconsistent parenting can prompt confusion and even power struggles in your children. Handle those who undermine your parenting by managing disagreement between parents, appropriately communicating your boundaries with interfering in-laws, and coming up with effective ways to manage continued resistance.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Eliminating Interference from In-Laws and Others

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Communicate your house rules. There's a chance that others are undermining your parenting because your intended rules aren't clear. You can't expect in-laws or others to respect your parenting guidelines when they don't fully understand your goals. Take the time to communicate your rules to those who spend time with your children. This may prevent any undermining down the road.
- You might say, "I know we haven't clearly stated this, but we have a rule about no TV during weekdays, Mom. If they are done with homework, they are welcome to play with toys, work on puzzles or do creative projects--but absolutely no TV. Okay?"
- In addition to telling them the rules, it may also help to post charts in your home that outline bedtimes, feeding schedules, and general rules you want your children to adhere to.^{[1]
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- It is ideal to start communicating your boundaries to your relatives before your child is born. However, if you did not do this, and your relatives are now undermining your parenting, then communicating your boundaries now is better than not at all. The sooner you can start communicating your boundaries to your relatives, the better your chances will be of getting your relatives to respect these rules.
2
Collect yourself before planning a discussion. The worst thing you can do is respond to interference with acid stinging your tongue. Being emotional when communicating with your in-laws about parenting differences will only complicate matters. Take some time to calm down first.^{[2]
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- Step out of the room and count to 10 silently. Take some deep breaths—in through your nose and out through your mouth. Repeat an affirmation like “I am the picture of calm.”
- Then, rejoin the environment and reach out to your spouse or partner first and say, “Do you mind if we have a chat with your parents? I really want to talk to them about something that’s been bugging me.” Then, explain the situation so that you are both clued in to the problem.
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3
Present a united front with your partner. If your in-laws detect conflict between you and your spouse, they may use it to their advantage. That is why it is important to always be on the same page when you confront them. When you and your partner are on the same page, your relatives may be more likely to take what you say seriously.
- Let your spouse lead the conversation with their side of the family. Your in-laws are less likely to take such strong offense when a confrontation is initiated by their own. Your spouse might say, “Mom and Dad, we need to talk to you…Is now a good time?”
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Express your concerns in a respectful manner. Navigating this discussion may be tricky. Bruised egos and hard feelings may occur, which is why it’s best to let your spouse do the talking with their family. The key is to be clear about the issue while maintaining respect for their authority.
- Your spouse might say, “Your style with the children is causing some problems. We find that Carey sets a rule, and you guys go behind her back and change it. Or, worse, you bad-mouth her in front of the kids. We’d really appreciate it if you could support our parenting choices, even if you don’t agree with them. It’s better if the kids see that we are all on the same side.”^{[3]
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Decide what you can let slide. While you don't want to come across as a pushover, you may be able to relax some of your rules if arguing over the matter complicates things. If others are in charge of caring for your children, you may want to decide which rules you are willing to bend and which ones need to stay firmly in place.
- For example, when your sister-in-law babysits, you may choose to relax the "No fast or convenience foods" rule simply because she is going straight from her job to watch your children. On these days, it may be acceptable for your kids to eat microwave dinners or takeout, or you might even prepare something ahead of time that she can just heat up for your kids and herself.
- Try to be compassionate as you decide what rules you are willing to let slide now and then. Consider why your relatives might try to break these rules. For example, if your mother-in-law wants to watch a TV show with your kids, it might be because she remembers watching it with her grandmother and wants to share the same experience with her own grandkids.
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Diffuse tension by communicating your appreciation. Of course, your desire is to stop undermining in its tracks, but the last thing you want your parents to do is feel like you’re not grateful. Touching lightly on how much you are thankful for their financial assistance and offers to babysit can minimize any hard feelings.
- You might say, “You have such a wonderful relationship with the kids. We both appreciate you caring for them after school each day. We just don’t want to feel undermined when it comes to parenting. I hope you can understand.”
- Be sure to show your appreciation for specific help that they provide you with, such as coming over and teaching you how to swaddle your baby, or taking your kids to the park when you are too sick to take them.
- Communicate with them often as well, such as by calling once or twice per week or sending them a text message here and there. Keep in mind that they were probably as excited as you were about your children being born, so they will likely appreciate regular updates and the occasional picture.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Handling Co-Parenting Conflict

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Choose a calm time to discuss the issue away from little ears. If one of you disagrees with the other’s parenting decisions, be sure to discuss the matter in the appropriate way. Always hash out disagreements away from the children. When they overhear, you risk your kids using conflicts against you. Children can also potentially develop beliefs that one parent is better or more normal than the other.
- For instance, if Mom tells the kids to go wash up for bedtime and Dad sighs and says, “Fun-time is over kids,” this sends the message that Dad doesn’t approve of bedtime. The children can start to view Mom as mean because of her disciplinary choices.
- To prevent dysfunctional parenting patterns from emerging, pause before reacting or cutting into the other parent’s parenting. Wait until you’re alone and then bring up the issue with your spouse or partner.^{[4]
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2
Work as a team. Rather than standing on either side of an issue, stand together in the face of parenting woes. You shouldn’t view your co-parent as bad or wrong because their ideas about parenting are different. Instead, try to work together to establish feasible guidelines that suit you both.
- Brainstorm solutions as partners. For instance, if one parent says, “I think you went a little overboard with disciplining Callie earlier,” the other parent should try to consider their perspective.
- Then, strive to find a workable solution. You might say, “Maybe I did let my anger get the best of me. Let’s come up with a phrase that signals one of us needs time out to cool off. We’ll take a break, discuss the issue between us, then go back to the kids to dole out a punishment. Does that sound good?”^{[5]
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3
Try strengths-based parenting. Sometimes, we fall short as parents because we don’t play to our strengths. Compromise about who takes the lead on certain aspects of parenting. That way, you are less likely to disagree about the other’s choices. You simply defer to their judgment and recognize that they are more experienced in this area.^{[6]
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- If Mom has the ability to keep a cool head under pressure, she might be the best person to handle explaining punishments and handling crises. On the other hand, Dad is great with relating to the children, so he talks through issues with them like peer pressure or bullying.
- Point out what each parent is good at and use these abilities in your parenting.
4
Establish weekly check-ins between parents. Parents can start stepping on each other’s toes because there is little communication about what’s happening day-to-day in the household. Taking time to sit down with one another in private to catch up on the rules and any problems or areas of concern can prevent conflict.
- Take turns expressing each other’s feelings about parenting stress and challenges. Each partner should listen attentively, being careful to make eye contact, nod, and orient towards the speaker. Listen to understand rather than to reply.^{[7]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Continued Resistance from Family

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Pull the culprit aside in the moment. If, despite an open conversation, the problem persists, you may have to take further action. When you wait until the perfect moment to bring up interference, the underminer can resort to pretending as if they don’t know what you’re talking about or they forgot the situation in question. Calling them out on the spot ensures they know exactly what you’re talking about.
- Whether it’s your ex, your sibling, or your mother-in-law, provide constructive criticism as soon as an incident occurs. You might say, “Sis, can I speak with you really quickly?...You’re doing it again. I told Brady he couldn’t have candy, and you went right behind me and promised him some. We have rules about sugar in this household.” However, do not take the candy away from your child, or it may seem to the child that they are being punished when they have done nothing wrong.
2
Require that all visits be in your presence. If undermining doesn’t stop after setting a boundary, you may have to turn to more extreme consequences. Once you are at your wit’s end with others stepping on your parenting toes, be vocal about how they will have to visit with the children in your presence only.
- For instance, you might tell your parents, “Each weekend when Jessica visits with you all overnight, she eats a lot of junk food and stays up past midnight. I hate to have to do this, but we are going to stop the overnight visits for now. We are concerned about her health and well-being.”^{[8]
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Cut them off depending on how serious the issue is. If in-laws or other family refuse to support your authority, you may have no choice but to limit your children’s exposure to these people altogether. This is especially true if the boundary violations involve behaviors that are detrimental to your kids’ development.
- For example, you might say to a sibling, “Toby, we’re going to have to stop you from coming to see the kids for a while. We’ve talked about this in the past, but you continue to curse, smoke, and drink around them. They are too young to be exposed to that kind of behavior.”
4
Consider couples or family counseling. If undermining continues to happen between co-parents, exes, or in-laws it might be helpful to see a professional. A professional counselor who has experience with families and parenting can help you all reach a solution to make it work for the sake of the children and your relationships.^{[9]
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