How to Deal with Hypocrites

Co-authored by Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC and Amber Crain

Last Updated: September 7, 2022 References

You’ve likely met hypocritical people, but how do you handle interactions with them? It can be tricky to navigate relationships with people you perceive as hypocritical because they are often unaware of their hypocrisy. It's usually best to acknowledge their behavior and move on, especially if it’s not a big deal. If you do choose to confront them, be respectful and non-judgmental.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Dealing with Hypocrites in the Moment

1
Leave the conversation if their behavior is really bothering you. Acknowledge that you're dealing with a hypocrite and remove yourself from the conversation if their behavior is really getting to you. Walking away will help you stay calm and prevent a heated confrontation from happening.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.}^{[2]
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- You don't have to walk away visibly angry! Smile, say a few brief parting words, and exit the conversation as soon as you can.
- For example, “I'm late for class -- gotta go!” or “I’m going to grab something to eat. See you later.”
2
Keep your cool and don’t lose your temper. Don’t let the person's actions or words ruin your day or bend you out of shape. Take some deep breaths or count to 10 as a way to stay calm and in control. If you need to, walk away for a few minutes to clear your head.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.}^{[4]
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Research source}

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3
Shrug off bad interactions with hypocrites. If you’re in a conversation with someone and you know you stand no chance of changing their mind or behavior, try to just let it go. It’s unlikely that pointing out the hypocrisy will do you or the other person any good. Mentally acknowledge the hypocrisy, then move on with your day.^{[5]
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4
Avoid conflict if the hypocritical behavior is minor and harmless. If the person is being hypocritical about an unimportant topic and not hurting anyone with their behavior, just acknowledge that and let it go.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.} This is especially important when you're dealing with someone you have to see every day, such as a classmate, team member, or coworker. That person's behavior might be annoying, but it's not worth making a fuss about or creating additional difficulties over.^{[7]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Ignoring Hypocritical Behavior

1
Put up with their behavior in the short-term if you need to. Sometimes you have to deal with someone's hypocritical behavior without having much of a choice. If the behavior is annoying but there’s nothing you can ultimately do about it, put up with it for a short while and try to let it go. This can be effective if you rarely see this person.
- For example, you might have to do this when dealing with a hypocritical family member or distant friend.
2
Ignore hypocritical behavior that you can't prove. It can be difficult to "catch" someone being a hypocrite because you may not have all of the facts. Unless you're certain of the person's hypocrisy, try to control your feelings and ignore their behavior.^{[8]
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- For example, say your friend talks constantly about the value of recycling, but you suspect they don’t recycle themselves. Don’t get carried away trying to "catch" them being a hypocrite. You don't know for sure whether they recycle or not, and it's not worth a confrontation.
3
Spend less time with hypocritical people. You don't have to go out of your way to blatantly ignore the person, but keep a respectable distance. Try to avoid hanging out with them alone or talking to them one-on-one whenever possible, especially about topics you feel might trigger you.^{[9]
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Research source}^{[10]
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Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.}
- For example, if the person is an uncle who touts morals yet you find morally repulsive, don’t talk about his personal life. If you do speak, keep interactions short and away from controversial topics.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Confronting a Hypocritical Person

1
Judge the seriousness of the hypocritical comments. Hypocrisy can be relatively harmless or extremely harmful. If the hypocrisy is on a small scale and more of an annoyance than anything else, don’t let it get to you.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.} However, if it affects you or other people in a big way, take it more seriously and consider confronting the person.^{[12]
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- For example, if you know your friend loves a certain band, but in front of the popular kids she pretends to hate them because they aren't "cool," this is pretty harmless.
- Let's say you know someone who talks frequently about accepting all races and genders. Behind closed doors, though, you've heard them make harmful racist comments. This is a lot more serious.
2
Confront the person in a respectful way. If you think confrontation is the best way to go, approach the situation in a civil and calm way. Use the “sandwich” approach by starting with something positive, saying what you need to say about hypocrisy, then ending with something positive.^{[13]
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- For example, if you want to confront your racist acquaintance, say: “Barrett, I don't know you that well, but you've always been nice to me. You say that you accept everyone, but I've heard you make racist remarks to some of my friends. I want to continue being your friend, but I can't do that if you're going to treat my friends that way."
3
Use “I” statements to express yourself. Confronting a hypocrite can be a delicate situation. Use “I” statements as a way to get your point across without blaming or shaming the person. "I" statements can help set a less aggressive tone in the conversation.^{[14]
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- For example, “I feel really disappointed by this. I wish I understood your feelings about this topic, but I don't."
4
Be ready for an emotional reaction. Sometimes you can confront a hypocritical person in a reasonable and respectful way and the outcome will be positive. Other times, the hypocrite might be hostile in return. Be prepared for a negative reaction, just in case. Remind yourself not to participate if the person tries to escalate the situation. Respond to them with a calm and even tone of voice. If it's clear the person can't or won't see their own hypocrisy, you may have to accept that.

Expert Q&A

Question

Should you confront a hypocrite?

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Hyungbum Kang is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker based in Honolulu, Hawaii. With over a decade of experience, Hyungbum specializes in using an integrated therapeutic approach to treat ADHD, Anger Management, Depression, and other mental health and social work struggles. He received a Bachelor’s degree in English and Master’s degrees in Sociology and Social Work. Hyungbum earned an MBA from Hawaii Pacific University (HPU) and is working on his Doctor of Psychology from HPU. He is a member of the American Psychological Association, the International Honor Society in Psychology, the National Association of Social Workers, and the California Consortium of Addiction Programs and Professionals.

Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

It's usually better to keep your distance, especially if the situation isn't that serious.
Question

How do I confront a hypocrite that I have no power over? This is the type that has the power to literally destroy my life. I'ts really bothering me, and I cant take it much longer.

Community Answer

You know that this person isn't good for you or others, so it's best to avoid the person. If you're not in a position to avoid the person, limit your contact to the basics. Just remember that you can't control how the person acts, but you can control how you respond.
Question

My friend is constantly a hypocrite about certain things, and my friends and I have confronted her about it many times, but nothing works. Is there anything anyone can suggest?

Community Answer

You might want to try having an adult talk to her. School counselors are great for mediating conflicts between groups of friends like this. If that doesn't work, you might want to just start distancing yourself from her.