How to Date Someone You Aren't Attracted To

Changing your mindset to focus on qualities besides physical attraction

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

Giving Them a Chance

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Communicating

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Adjusting Your Expectations

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Examining Beauty Standards

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Growing as a Person

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

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Warnings

Dating someone you have a fiery attraction to can be extremely exciting. However, you shouldn’t shut yourself off from someone just because you don’t feel that sense of passion right away. Dating someone who you’re not initially drawn to can be an eye-opening experience. You might find yourself in a new and interesting relationship with someone you never thought you’d enjoy being with.

Things You Should Know

Get to know the other person on a deeper level. Pay attention to how they make you feel, not how they look.
Have a straightforward, honest conversation with your date to let them know how you're feeling.
Think about your expectations for a potential partner, and adjust them if they're too high or unachievable.
Look beyond physical appearance and challenge yourself to grow as a person.

Part 1

Part 1 of 5:

Giving Them a Chance

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Get to know them. You might find that they have special qualities that make them the perfect partner for you. It takes some people a while to open up and show you their personality so be patient with them.^{[1]
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- Someone with a vivacious personality will be fun to be around.
- Someone who is loyal and supportive will always be there for you in a relationship.
2
Find common interests. You’ll have a great time with someone who enjoys the same things you do. They may even share some of your personal values. If you can find some common ground, you’ll be able to have interesting conversations about things that both of you are passionate about.
- Introduce them to your favorite bands.
- See if you have similar tastes in movies.
- Tell them what values are important to you.
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3
Pay attention to how they make you feel. Take a break from focusing on how you feel about the person and think about how you feel when you’re around them. It may be wise to overlook some of their flaws if they make you feel great about yourself.
- Do they always know exactly what to say to help you feel better when you’re down?
- Do they help you feel at ease by listening to your problems without judging you?
- Do you feel confident to be yourself when you’re around them?
4
Think long-term. Decide whether or not you can see yourself having a future with this person. Remember that attraction is a feeling that comes and goes. The things you’re attracted to may even change over time. What’s more important for a long-term relationship is whether or not you have fun being around a person.
- Intense attraction to someone usually only lasts for the first few months of a relationship.
- Even if you’re not attracted to this person now, can you see your attraction to them growing in the future?
- Do they have any attractive traits you may have overlooked?

Part 2

Part 2 of 5:

Communicating

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Be honest with yourself. Make a list of all the things that you find unattractive about the person. Determine which of the traits on your list are changeable. If the person has permanent traits or behaviors that you don’t like, then you should decide if it’s worth it to start a relationship with them.
- Traits like a person’s style, hygiene and manners can be altered over the course of a relationship.
- Traits relating to a person’s physical attractiveness or personality will be very difficult to change and will likely remain the same throughout the duration of a relationship.
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Consider if it’s fair for you to ask them to change. The thing that you find unattractive about someone might be something that makes them happy. Even if they do agree to change it, they might end up resenting you down the line. However, if they can benefit or grow from changing the traits you find unattractive, then you should let them know.^{[2]
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- If someone feels comfortable wearing casual clothes but you are attracted to people that dress in formal wear, then you shouldn’t ask them to change their style to fit your preference.
- If what turns you off about someone is a bad habit like smoking, then you should tell them. You may be able to help them improve their health.
3
Have a conversation. Make sure that both of you are on the same page. Let them know exactly how you feel.They may not want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel immediately attracted to them.Don’t assume that they’re willing to wait for your attraction to grow.Ask them how they feel about the situation and be sure to listen intently to everything they say. ^{[3]
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Research source}Say something like:
- “I really enjoy spending time with you but I don’t feel attracted to you at this point. I’d like us to take some time to get to know each other to see if that changes. Are you willing to take things slow?”
- “I think we have a real emotional connection. I may not feel physically attracted to you yet but sometimes it takes me a while to feel that way. I’d like to try starting a relationship with you. What are your thoughts about that?”
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Be straightforward. Tell them if you don’t see the relationship going anywhere. The longer you wait to let them know, the more you could hurt their feelings. It’s not fair to lead someone on if you’re just keeping them around until someone better comes along.
- If one person expects a passionate relationship while the other person is just looking for a caretaker, the relationship could end in a disastrous breakup.

Part 3

Part 3 of 5:

Adjusting Your Expectations

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Define what is important to you in a relationship. Be clear with yourself about all the qualities that you need in a partner. You may find that there are more important things to you in a relationship than attraction. Does your date have any of the qualities that you’re looking for? You may want a partner who is:^{[4]
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- supportive
- kind
- intelligent
- outgoing
- polite
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Think about your past. If you seem to always find yourself in relationships that don't fulfill you, you may be putting too much importance on immediate attraction. Intense attraction to someone can sometimes blind you to the fact that you may not be compatible with them.^{[5]
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- What initially attracted you to your former flames?
- What worked and what didn’t work in your past relationships?
- Does your current date have different qualities than your former partners?
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Look for contradictions. Maybe you want things from a partner that are contradictory. For example: Do you want someone who’s very driven to succeed in their career but who also has plenty of free time to spend with you? If you have traits that you look for in a partner that is contradictory, you may have to choose which ones are more valuable to you.
- You’ll have a tough time finding someone who’s dedicated to physical fitness but who will enjoy eating with you at your favorite fast food restaurants.
- If you want someone who’s extremely social, you can’t expect them to also like spending weekends alone with you at home.
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Be flexible. Do you have a mental image of your perfect partner that is impossible for people to live up to? If so, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Understand that even though a person might not have every trait you look for in a partner, they could still have a lot of great qualities. If you’re unwilling to bend, you could be miss out on a really amazing person.
- You may be shutting yourself off from being attracted to people who don’t meet your intense qualifications.
- You might be holding people to such a high standard because of your own insecurities. It might be easier for you to look for reasons to shut a person out than face potential rejection from them.

Part 4

Part 4 of 5:

Examining Beauty Standards

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Be realistic. Do you think your dates should be as "hot" as the celebrities on magazine covers? If so, you could have an unreasonably high standard of beauty. Remember that those celebrities have makeup artists and stylists who work long hours just to make them look beautiful. Even then, the pictures still need to be photoshopped to look perfect.
- If you’re holding people to an idealized standard of beauty, you’re being unfair to them.
- Think about how you’d feel if people compared you to your own standards for physical attractiveness.
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Change your perspective. Are you focusing on every imperfection that a person has in order to rank their looks? If so, you could be training your brain to look for people’s flaws rather than to appreciate the whole picture. Look for what you do like about a person’s looks rather than what you don’t like.^{[6]
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- If you’re overly critical about people’s looks, you won’t be able to be attracted to them.
- You may find that when you stop trying to pinpoint someone’s flaws, they magically become more attractive.
3
Remember that looks fade. If you’re looking for someone to be with long-term, you might want to take their physical attractiveness out of the equation. People’s looks change over time. If you decide who to date based on their appearance rather than their personality, you might find that you have nothing in common with them in the future.
- Some physical traits do show aspects of a person’s character. If a person is very physically fit, it may show you that they are committed to taking care of their body and can someday commit to taking care of you.
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Realize that beauty is only skin deep. Try to look beyond their physical attractiveness to see what kind of person they are on the inside. A person’s looks are no indication of how they will treat you or whether or not you’ll be compatible with them.
- If you’re too enamored with a person’s physical attractiveness you may overlook flaws in their character.

Part 5

Part 5 of 5:

Growing as a Person

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Experience new things. If you’ve only been attracted to and dated a certain type of person, it’s likely that you’ve been on many of the same types of dates. By dating someone who doesn’t fit the mold of your usual type, you may open yourself up to broad spectrum of new experiences. For example, your date could take you to:
- a sporting event
- a ballet
- an exotic new restaurant
- a comedy show
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Discover new things about yourself. By dating a new type of person, you could find out new things about your own personality. They might show you an entirely different side to yourself that you were completely unaware of.
- If you’re an introvert and your date really enjoys being around people, you could find that you enjoy socializing more than you realized.
- If your date takes you to a volunteer event, you could find that you really love giving back to the community.
- If your date likes to talk to you about politics, you could find that you have strong opinions about the political process.
3
Find new avenues for attraction. You could become attracted to this person in ways that you haven’t experienced before. You may grow an intense emotional connection to them or you could find that their intelligent conversation stimulates your mind. Sometimes attraction takes time to develop. At some point, you could look back and wonder why you weren’t attracted to them in the first place. You might be drawn to their:
- humor
- kindness
- positive outlook
- charm
- ambition
4
Learn not to judge people too quickly. It can be rewarding to take the time to see who a person really is. Sometimes you can’t see a person’s character right away. By delaying your judgment of a person, and giving a connection time to form, you open yourself up to a new realm of possibilities. You could find that someone you weren't initially attracted to becomes someone you can’t live without.
- Being compassionate could also help you grow your social circle. If you hold off judgment for people you initially don’t like, you could find that they grow into some of your best friends.

Expert Q&A

Question

Can a relationship work if you're not physically attracted?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

On one hand, attraction can grow over time, especially for women. As women get to know someone, they can become more attracted to them, especially if they feel like that person is stable and safe. On the other hand, men tend to be more visual and physical, so if there's not a fundamental attraction, there probably won't be a strong sexual connection. That can be a big challenge for a relationship over time.

Warnings

Use your better judgement. Don’t date someone that makes you feel unsafe.

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Don’t lead someone on.^{[7]
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Research source} If you feel like the relationship isn’t going anywhere, break it off.

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