How to Build Trust in a Relationship Again: Heal Your Relationship After Lying, Cheating, or Betrayal

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

If your relationship has trust issues, you might feel like it's completely broken. Fortunately, if you and your partner are willing to make things work, you can rebuild trust. You'll definitely need to communicate—we'll walk you through how to talk to them whether you're the one feeling betrayed or you're the one who's made a mistake. Either way, you can use this experience to strengthen your relationship so it's even better going forward.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship expert, Kelli Miller, licensed pyschotherapist and award-winning author. Check out the full interview here.

1

Talk about the problems in your relationship.

Discuss what caused the betrayal of trust so you're on the same page. Whether you're the one feeling betrayed or your partner let you down, it's critical that you sit down and talk about how your relationship is going.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Be as clear as you can—tell your partner how you feel and what's making you feel that way. Then, listen as they share.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- For example, you might say, "I feel like you don't pay attention to me anymore which is why I've been talking to people online," or you may say, "I'm really frustrated with our relationship because I don't feel like I can talk to you about things."
- No one enjoys having a difficult conversation with their partner, but it's really important to talk about issues so you know how to rebuild your relationship.

2

Give each other space to think.

You both need time to process your emotions and what you want. Think about what the relationship means to you—this can often strengthen your resolve for making things work. Plus, if you give each other some space, you can both cool down so you don't say something you regret in the heat of the moment.^{[3]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- If you're the one that feels hurt, you might say, "I need some time for myself to think about all of this. I'll let you know when I want to talk." If you're the one who broke their trust, you might offer them space by saying, "I know you've got a lot on your mind right now. Would it help to have a little space to think about things?"^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}

3

Come up with boundaries that both of you can agree to.

Ask the other person what they need out of the relationship. Then, share what's important to you. For instance, if you feel betrayed, you might need them to be more accountable for a while, or if you're in the wrong, they may ask you to communicate more.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- For example, you might say, "I need to know where you're at when you're not at home or at work." If you're trying to earn their trust, you might volunteer suggestions—offer to call or text so you stay in communication.

4

Accept how you’re feeling.

Don't tell yourself that you're not allowed to feel a certain way. It's perfectly normal to feel guilty, neglected, angry, or resentful if your relationship is having problems. However, resist the urge to blame yourself for what happened.^{[6]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Instead, identify why you're feeling the way you are and how it's making you act.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you might think, "I've been lying to my partner because I'm worried they don't love me anymore," or, "I'm exhausted because I don't feel like I can trust my partner not to cheat."

5

Apologize or forgive the other person.

You can't move on until you've acknowledged your feelings. If you're the one who broke their trust, be genuine and sincerely say you're sorry so they can begin to trust you again. If you're on the other end of the apology, decide if you feel ready to forgive them. It's not a simple process, but you've got to forgive them before you can trust them again.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Forgiving the person doesn't mean you have to forget what they've done. Instead, you're making a choice that the relationship is still worth it and you want to rebuild it together.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- You may not know where to begin so it's completely fine to keep your apology simple. You might say, "I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a few days. I know I hurt you by texting that person and I shouldn't have."

6

Revisit the boundaries of your relationship.

Communicate regularly, so you manage issues as they arise. If you're in the habit of talking every day, it will be easier to talk about things that bother you. It can take time for things to feel natural between you two, but open communication can make things feel more comfortable in the long run.^{[10]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} If you're the one asking for transparency, let the other person know that you appreciate their openness.^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- For instance, you both might agree to share information with each other which could mean sitting down and talking every day or not hiding personal accounts online.
- The less accusatory or defensive you are, the faster you'll rebuild trust.

7

Designate a specific time to talk about your relationship.

Resist the urge to keep bringing up the issues. At some point, you and your partner need to move beyond the problems so you truly give each other a second chance. You might agree to do a relationship check-in a few times a week, but limit it to 15 to 20 minutes so it doesn't become an argument. Then, you can gradually reduce the frequency as you both rebuild trust.^{[12]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- For instance, you might say, "We haven't talked about communication in a few days. Do you want to chat about it this evening?"

8

Give it time to rebuild trust.

Talk more with your partner if you sense things are getting rocky again. Rebuilding trust won't happen overnight, so it's normal that there will be times when you're more critical of your partner or they want you to be more accountable because they're worried.^{[13]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Say something to them like, "I've noticed that things are difficult again. Could we make some time to talk?"^{[14]
X
Research source}
- Openly communicating can prevent misunderstandings. For instance, you might say to them, "I can't help but worry about what you've been doing since you've been home a lot less this week." Then, they can hopefully put your mind at ease before you start assuming the worst.

9

Make new, positive memories together.

Do fun things to remind each other why you want to be together. Talking about betrayal or miscommunication can be exhausting! This is why it's really helpful to take breaks and try to enjoy each other's company. Give yourself permission to have fun doing things you usually enjoy together. It's a good way to gradually get a sense of normalcy back.^{[15]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you might say, "It's been a long time since we've gone on a date. Want to see a movie or hit the arcade?"

10

Turn the mistake into a lesson.

Use what you've learned about your partner to strengthen your relationship. Hopefully, by talking more you'll have a better idea of what you and your partner need from your relationship.^{[16]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Remind yourself of these lessons so you can prevent future problems and feel more supported.^{[17]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- For example, you might realize that your feeling of insecurity caused you to accuse your partner of cheating, even if it turns that they didn't. Going forward, you can talk with your partner about your worries so you feel reassured and positive about your relationship.
- It might take time to get to this point! There may be a lot of anger or resentment, but at some point, both of you have to find some inner peace.

11

Make concrete plans for the future.

Create goals or projects, so you can work together and have something to look forward to. If you've been through lying, infidelity, or you name it, your relationship probably hasn't been fun for a while. To break out of your routine, plan something special to do together. Planning is a great way to practice your communication skills and get excited about doing something enjoyable together.^{[18]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you might take a trip that you've both wanted to do for a long time. Talk about where you both want to go, things you want to do, and foods you want to try.

12

Talk with a counselor.

Work with a couples therapist if you want outside help. Sometimes, it can be tricky to move past a betrayal and this is where a third party can really help. Find a licensed therapist who's got experience working with couples and make time to meet up. This shows your partner that you're committed to the relationship even if you're going through a rocky phase.^{[19]
X
Research source}
- A good therapist will help you repair trust in your relationship while encouraging you to work on self-improvement and self-care.
- Not sure how to bring up therapy? You might say, "I know we've been having a rough time and I think it might help if we sat down with a couples counselor. I really want to make our relationship work."