How to Bring Love Into a Relationship

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: October 13, 2020 References

Unsure about how to move forward in a relationship and express your love? When you’re in a relationship (or just starting one), you may wonder how it will progress, and how to express that you care. While some may think that having sex or saying "I love you" are the ways to bring love into a relationship, love is not just words or physical intimacy. Love is a deeper expression of your connection with a person both physically and emotionally.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Being Open to Love

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Open yourself up to a deeper relationship. Being willing to love, and be loved, can be an uneasy experience sometimes because you may be afraid of getting hurt, or making the wrong move. Take your mind away from the "what if" and focus on being caring, loving, and respectful of your partner in the present.
- Make sure that you don’t feel pressured by your partner to commit to a relationship that you’re not sure about. Be honest about what your motivations are for being with that person.
- Often times, being open to love is about being happy with yourself. If you are not happy with who you are, or what’s going on in your life, it will be hard to find and receive love. ^{[1]
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Imagine being with your partner long-term. One way to know if you love someone is to imagine you’re in a long-term relationship with him. Do you see yourself with your partner in a year from now? Five years from now? Or even longer? If not, you may want to see if this relationship is simply based on physical desire, or a way to feel less lonely.
- During the first few months of dating you may not be sure if you see yourself long-term with someone. It’s okay. Love often grows over time.
- Be aware of how you feel as the months of dating progress. If you feel less interested in someone over time, don’t force yourself to say "I love you" or be in love with someone just because.
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Talk about your feelings.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} It’s okay to say what you feel, just understand that your partner is not you, and may not respond exactly the way you do. Be vulnerable, and say how you feel about the person. It can be tough, but ultimately communication is key to a lasting relationship.^{[3]
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- Think about if you have meaningful conversations that show your true self to your partner. Love is about talking about who you really are, including your hopes, dreams, and worries. Be honest.
- If you've been a relationship for a while, consider conversations that focus on positive feelings, rather than negative. Remind your partner what makes her special by talking about how you feel.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Showing that You Care

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Express your love beyond physical intimacy. Love is not all about attraction, kissing, and sex. Love is both a physical and emotional connection with your partner. Depending on your partner, there are many ways to show that you care deeply about someone.^{[4]
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Research source} Ask your partner what makes him feel loved and cared for. What activities, actions, words, or gifts make him feel warm and fuzzy? The way you show love and the way your partner receives love may be different, so asking what makes him feel loved is the best way to know ensure you're expressing your love in a way he understands.
- Give a compliment, or words of encouragement. Express with words what you like, and love, about your partner. Make him feel good about himself.
- Give a gift, or make a symbolic gesture of love. Give flowers or chocolates. Make a favorite meal. Write a love letter. Play or send a song. Draw a picture that shows you care.
- Give an act of service. You’d be surprised how the little things — like fixing something that’s broken, or completing an task your partner doesn't want to do — can make your partner feel cared for. Give your time and skills to your partner.
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Be both physically and emotionally present with your partner.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} It is crucial that your partner feels that you are interested, and listening, to her concerns, her passions and her dreams. You can’t just be physically present, but emotionally distant, or emotionally engaged but without any desire for your partner. Love means all of the above.
- While you don’t need to be "present" all the time, it is important that you at least acknowledge your partner’s concerns, with words like, “I’m sorry you had a rough day.”
- Try setting aside 10 – 30 minutes a day to talk about each other's days. It could be at dinner or after getting into bed. It sounds so simple, but checking in is an important part of maintaining a connection, and making a routine can make it a habit.
- Don’t let yourself be distracted by other things when talking with your partner about something important. Be mindful of how and when to give your significant other your full attention.
3
Say "I love you" when it feels right.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} There is no perfect timing for when to say "I love you." If it's early in a relationship, think about whether saying "I love you" is more about your heightened desire for that person, or is it because you really know him? Each person is different, and may have a different level of comfort about how and when to say these words.^{[7]
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- If you're not yet ready to say, "I love you," try "I love it when you..." or, "I love your..." instead.
- If you’ve been dating for a year or more already, saying “I love you” may just feel like a force of habit. Make sure that saying “I love you” has meaning and passion behind it.
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Cultivate memories. If you're trying to reconnect with your partner, consider doing things that you both enjoyed when you were first dating. Talk about the good times that you've shared. This may help to show the strength and importance of the relationship over time.^{[8]
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- Use history as a way to connect (or reconnect), by remembering important milestones in the relationship.
- By honoring those milestones, you are showing your partner that you think of her outside of the normal routine.
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Practice "love" every day. There are lots of things that can prevent us making love a priority. Make a conscious effort to make the actions and emotions of "love" a part of your daily routine:. ^{[9]
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- Hold hands. Give a hug. Snuggle up to each other on the couch. This isn't just about sex, but the importance of being close in the simplest of ways.
- Be positive in the ways you interact. Make sure that you give more than one compliment throughout the day (or however often you see your partner). It can be even as simple as saying, "Thank you for all you do," or, "You're amazing for doing that."

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Trusting Your Significant Other

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Be patient that a lasting love doesn’t happen overnight.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} While you may have felt an instant connection with someone, it is open communication and commitment that will keep that love alive. Don’t force yourself to love someone, or say that you are "in love" with someone when you are still getting to know who he is and what he cares about.
- Love at first sight may happen, but it’s the journey after that initial spark that is far more telling of whether your love will last.^{[11]
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- Give love a chance to grow. Sometimes we may not be instantly "in love" with someone. Give yourself and your partner a chance to really get to know each other, rather than what you see at first.
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Give your partner space. Don’t crowd yourself into your partner’s life, and make her (or you) the center of the universe. It is far sexier to both men and women when you (and your partner) are confident and independent. ^{[12]
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- Some people need more space than others. Be respectful of your partner’s wishes for space at times. Be confident that just because she needs space doesn’t mean she doesn't care.
- Time alone or away from your partner can help give perspective, and can sometimes help to strengthen your relationship.
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Make your time together special. Time is precious. Make sure to schedule or prioritize time with your partner. This is does not mean you need to schedule activities with your partner every day, all day. Instead, it means that you should focus on "quality" rather than "quantity."^{[13]
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- Quality time should be times when you can really talk with someone, or do something out of the ordinary routine. It can mean that your partner knows that he is an important part of your life, and that you value and respect him as a confidant, lover, and friend.
- Trusting your partner with personal and private information, and knowing that the information is safe, is key to opening yourself to love. Love is often about having trust in yourself and your significant other.

Expert Q&A
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What can I do to rekindle love in my relationship?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

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Make sure you stay open and honest when you communicate with your partner. Talk about how you're feeling by using "I" statements.