How to Break Up with a Narcissist via Text

Co-authored by Kate Dreyfus and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: February 2, 2023 References

When you first meet a narcissist, they’re charming, fun, and affectionate. Once you’re dating, however, they begin to break you down by criticizing and manipulating you.^{[1]
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Research source} Leaving a narcissist peacefully can be tricky, but we’re here to help you make a clean break. Keep reading to find out how you can break up with a narcissist via text and move on to a happier future.

1

Write down why you want to breakup.

Leaving a narcissist is hard, and it’s easy to second guess yourself. They may even try to gaslight you about what happened so you stay with them. If this happens, remind yourself why you need to move on by re-reading your “why.”^{[2]
X
Research source} You could write:
- “He constantly puts me down, won’t let me hang out with friends, and manipulates me into always doing what he wants.”
- “She lies to me but gaslights me into thinking I’m wrong, and she calls me horrible names so I feel bad about myself.”
- “They constantly take advantage of me and make me feel guilty for having my own needs.”

2

Plan what you will say in advance.

It’s much easier to leave a narcissist if you do a bit of prep work. Write out what you want to say before you text your soon-to-be-ex so you can hit “send” with confidence. You don’t want to leave room for questions or misunderstandings.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- You might send your breakup message to a friend for advice before you send it. They can help you craft the perfect text.

3

Tell them the relationship is over, but don’t provide a reason.

Keep your message simple and direct so they can’t argue. There’s no point in trying to argue with a narcissist or in trying to get them to see your point-of-view. They’re incapable of understanding your perspective. Instead, they will just continue to escalate the situation and will try to manipulate you into thinking you’re wrong.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Start your text with something like:
- “I feel like this relationship has run its course, so I’m breaking up with you.”
- “I’ve decided it’s best to end things between us.”
- “I’ve realized this relationship just doesn’t work for me anymore, so it’s over.”
- There's a difference between what your ex-partner needs to know versus what they want to know.^{[5]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kate Dreyfus
  Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
  Expert Interview. 22 November 2021.}

4

Keep your message neutral.

Telling a narcissist how they hurt you is like pouring gasoline on a fire. Fortunately, you can avoid a big explosion by keeping your reasons for the breakup to yourself. As tempting as it might be, don’t bring up the past or point out the ways they hurt you.^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} If you do, they’ll look for a way to retaliate.
- As an example, you might be tempted to say, “It really hurts me when you call me names, so I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Instead, just text, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore,” and leave it at that.
- What you went through with them may have been really painful. You don’t have to bottle all of those feelings up. Vent to a trusted friend or family member so someone understands what you’re going through.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kate Dreyfus
  Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
  Expert Interview. 22 November 2021.}

5

Wish them well in the future.

Try to keep things positive so they feel less attacked. Playing nice as you walk away from them will make your life so much easier. You don’t deserve to have to deal with their drama, but it’s likely your narcissistic ex is going to take your breakup badly.^{[8]
X
Research source} Soften the blow with some well-wishes. Write:
- “I hope you find someone who truly loves you.”
- “I wish you all the happiness.”
- “I know you'll meet someone better for you soon.”

6

Leave their response on read.

It’s hard for a narcissist to let someone go. Because of their ego, they'll typically try to charm you into coming back.^{[9]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Just ignore whatever your ex says in response to your breakup text. It’s not worth your time and energy to argue with them.
- You can always re-read your “why” statement if you start to second-guess your decision. Remember, the love-bombing stage (when narcissists shower you with affection) is temporary.

7

Block all means of contact.

Go no-contact so your ex can’t hurt you anymore. After a breakup, a narcissist will send you everything from declarations of love to horrible insults. They want you to come back and feed into their ego some more. To them, your relationship isn’t over until they say it is. Cut them out of your life by blocking them on everything, including your phone, social media accounts, and email.^{[10]
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Research source}^{[11]
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Expert Source

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Expert Interview. 22 November 2021.}
- If you have mutual friends with your ex, you might have to unfollow or cut ties with them, as well. Make sure they aren’t drawing you back into your ex’s web.
- Going no-contact is important for your well-being and closure.^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kate Dreyfus
  Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
  Expert Interview. 22 November 2021.}

8

Ask your friends for support during the breakup.

Dating a narcissist can really hurt your self-esteem. Fortunately, your friends can help remind you what makes you unique.^{[13]
X
Research source} Reach out to your friends so they can be there for you. They’ll help you come out of this breakup with more strength and joy.^{[14]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- You might go out with your best friend for coffee, or invite several friends out to dinner.
- Even if you haven’t talked to your friends in a while, still reach out to them. They probably miss you a lot and will be happy to hear from you.

9

Watch for their retaliation for the breakup.

Narcissists typically react poorly to a breakup. They often spread lies about you to friends and family, and may show up unexpectedly at your work or favorite spots, hoping to run into you. Your ex will likely switch back and forth between trying to woo you back with false promises and flattery and trying to punish you with lies and criticism.^{[15]
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Research source}
- No matter what your ex says, you’re not at fault for dating a narcissist. They’re very romantic at first, and anyone could fall for them.

10

Expect them to start dating someone new soon.

Since narcissists need constant validation, they don’t stay single long. Your ex will probably have a new partner pretty much immediately after your breakup.^{[16]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} Seeing them act so in love with someone so soon after your breakup can be super painful. Try to remember that this has nothing to do with you, and your feelings will fade over time.^{[17]
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Research source}
- It’s really common for a narcissist to keep back-up options, so they can easily find a new partner if their relationship falls apart.
- This is why it’s so important to block them on everything. Not only does it stop them from contacting you, it also prevents them from making you jealous by posting photos on social media of them moving on.

11

Take time to work on yourself after the breakup.

You deserve to feel amazing about yourself. Your ex may have tried to tear you down as a person, but this is your chance to build yourself back up. Spend the time immediately after your breakup hanging out with friends and family. Additionally, rediscover who you are without your ex in your life. You can:^{[18]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Grieve the end of your relationship and what you wanted from it.
- Practice self care.
- Decide what you want in a future relationship.
- Spend time doing what makes you happy.
- Try new things.

12

Talk to a therapist to help you move on.

Therapy helps you rebuild your self-esteem and process your feelings. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can really take a toll on your mental health. After your breakup, it might help to talk to a professional who can help you move on in a healthy way.^{[19]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Look for a therapist online or ask friends for a recommendation. You may also be able to find a therapist through your insurance company.

Example Texts to Break up with a Narcissist

Expert Q&A

Question

What should I do immediately after a break up?

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.

Kate Dreyfus

Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer

Expert Answer

Follow your usual routine! Honoring your routine will help you feel safe in your life changes while also providing you with stability and comfort. In addition, you can decide to create some changes to your day-to-day routine, try new activities, and refocus on your hobbies and interests.

Warnings

A narcissist may twist your words, so it’s generally best to keep your reasons to yourself. Otherwise, they’ll try to draw you into a fight.

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