How to Be Cold Hearted

Co-authored by Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA and Christopher M. Osborne, PhD

Last Updated: December 3, 2022 References Approved

You might sometimes be “cold” to people in general when you just feel like being left alone. But if you’re looking to be “cold hearted,” then you’re probably trying to extract yourself from an unhealthy relationship with a romantic partner or family member. To do so, you need to be crystal clear that you’re closing yourself off to the person emotionally and physically. You also need to keep reminding yourself why “turning cold” is a necessary but temporary measure to regain control of your life.

Things You Should Know

Break off as much contact with the person as you possibly can and keep any necessary communication short and to the point.
Get rid of any texts, emails, gifts, or mementos that remind you of the person you're cutting from your life.
Reaffirm your decision to separate yourself from this individual and keep yourself busy with hobbies and other fun activities.
Reconnect with your friends and loved ones and spend plenty of time prioritizing self-care.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Signaling Your Icy Turn

1
Make your decision and stick to it. Once you choose to become cold hearted toward someone, you must remain firm in your decision to do so. Keep reminding yourself why it is critical to your own well-being and happiness that you cut ties and close off your affections for this person.^{[1]
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- Be crystal clear when you make the break: “I’ve realized that this relationship is harmful to me, and I have decided that we cannot be together any longer. This is non-negotiable.”
- Cutting ties in this fashion is a harsh and challenging measure, so save it for instances in which a relationship is clearly detrimental and irreparable.
2
Cut off contact as much as you can. If possible, do not accept phone calls, emails, Facebook messages, etc. Every time you give a chance for them to explain or apologize, your resolve may be weakened.
- Explain the change once and only once: “I don’t want us to have any contact unless it is absolutely necessary.”
- You must view each and every attempt at reconciliation as the other person’s desire to put you back into a position to hurt you again.
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3
Keep any communication as short as possible. When forced to communicate with the person, use “no” as a complete sentence if they ask if they can call you, if they can explain things, and so on. Tell them your boundaries clearly so they understand that you don't want to get more involved.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
Adult Counselor & Certified Hypnotherapist
Expert Interview. 29 April 2019.} Otherwise, give short, direct replies such as “I can’t,” “That isn’t possible,” or “I don't have time for that.” Then walk away, hang up, etc.
- Or, pretend not to notice or hear them at all.
- Use these tactics when dealing with a co-worker or classmate, for instance.
4
Don’t reveal what you’re thinking or feeling. Do not express anything that could be construed as doubt or remorse, such as saying “sorry” whether you mean it or not. Show no signs of lingering affection. Don’t even glance their way. Close yourself off completely.^{[3]
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- Don’t get dragged into discussions about how you’re going to move on, what you’re planning to do next, and so forth. Become a complete mystery to them.
- You've already expressed your decision to them. You don't owe them anything more than that, no matter what they say.
5
Refuse to reminisce or wallow in sentimentality. Do not reflect on the "good times" you might have shared. You can’t be cold hearted while having fond memories. Delete all texts, emails, etc. Rid yourself of pictures, gifts, and anything else that reminds you of them.^{[4]
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- Even if you did have some good times, your memories of these must be sacrificed in order to make the clean break from this person.
- Perhaps in the future, after you've entered into a healthy relationship, you'll be able to safely recall some of those "good times."

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Staying Strong in Your Coldness

1
Remind yourself that you’re powerful and in control. Thanks to brain chemistry and social reinforcement, people in positions of power or control are less capable of empathizing with others. And it turns out that even a temporary “power trip” reduces your ability to “feel the pain” of others. To tap into this element of human nature, keep visualizing times in your life when you’ve felt most powerful or in control.^{[5]
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- For instance, before any instance when you might run into the other person, remind yourself that you’ve built a successful business from the ground up, that you’ve secured your financial future, or that you’ve earned the respect of those around you.
2
Remember why the relationship had to end. When you become weak in your resolve to be cold hearted, you will find that anger is a very good motivator. When times get tough and you feel tempted to cave in, get angry. Remind yourself about all the times you were mistreated, lied to, or left without the support you needed.^{[6]
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- Write down a detailed list of all the ways the person hurt your or let you down, and refer to it whenever necessary. Or, if it helps, stick their picture on your dart board or punching bag and go at it.
3
Stay busy with other activities. It’s important to occupy your mind and keep yourself busy during this transitional period. Take up a new hobby that you’ve always wanted to try, or get back to doing something you used to enjoy.^{[7]
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- If certain activities or hobbies remind you too much of the person you’ve turned cold hearted towards, stop doing those things at least temporarily. Or, change the conditions — join a new gym, take an art class instead of a cooking class, etc.
4
Re-build relationships with supportive loved ones. If the challenges of the detrimental relationship you’ve been in have hurt your connections with others, work on being a good friend, sibling, parent, etc. Show those loved ones who've been on your side the whole time that you appreciate their support.^{[8]
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- Don't let your cold heartedness extend to them. Show them the loving warmth they deserve!
5
Create a strong self care routine. Make good use of all the time, attention, and affection you’ve withdrawn from the other person by focusing it back on yourself. Prioritizing your own needs will help give you the emotional and physical strength to keep up the clean break you’ve made from a harmful relationship. Focus on:
- Physical health — exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet.
- Emotional care — meditation, prayer, yoga, tai chi, relaxation exercises, and so on.
- Spending time with supportive friends and family.
- Doing things you enjoy — going to the movies, getting outdoors, traveling, etc.
6
Seek additional help if you need it. Ending a relationship, even one with an “emotional vampire” who takes without giving in return, is never easy. If you’re not able to turn yourself cold hearted toward the person and break free completely, there is no shame in seeking help.^{[9]
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- Get referrals from your doctor or friends and family for licensed therapists in your area.
- Working with a therapist may reveal that trying to be temporarily “cold hearted” is not the best approach for you. The important thing is to find out what works best for you.
7
Don’t turn cold toward the world. Remind yourself that you’re choosing to be cold hearted in a specific way for a specific goal. You have the power and control over the situation. Once you’ve achieved your goal of breaking free from a harmful relationship, get back to being your old self.^{[10]
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- People who are naturally cold hearted often have an “avoidant attachment pattern” that developed during their infancy. Therefore, being temporarily cold hearted for a specific purpose need not turn you that way permanently.^{[11]
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- However, if your cold hearted turn is successful, you may be tempted to use it more often or more widely. If so, remember that cutting yourself off from the world will cause you more pain than it prevents.

Distancing Yourself in Conversation

Cold Hearted Interactions

Ways to Sound Determined and Self Assured

Warnings

Be prepared to be criticized. People may view your behavior as cruel and, if they are unaware of your intentions, some may question whether or not they want to remain friends with you.

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Don't do this sort of thing too often, or it may become second nature, and you'll start doing it impulsively, over trivial things.

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