How to Avoid Coming Across As Needy

Last Updated: December 4, 2022 References

Do you think you are needy and want to change this? Perhaps someone has told you that you seem needy or maybe you are just reflecting on your life. Either way, there are plenty of things you can do to appear less needy to those around you. With a little effort you can live a much more self-sufficient life.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Avoiding Needy Behaviors

1
Don’t be too agreeable. People are typically interested in spending time with others who have their own opinions, beliefs, hobbies, and interests. If you typically yield to the desires of others when you are around them, this will get boring very quickly. It will seem like you don’t have your own ideas or interests and this can also be perceived as needy behavior.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- When someone asks you what you want to do, make a suggestion rather than simply saying, “I don’t care” or “Whatever you want is fine.”
2
Give people space. Don’t be too overwhelming with your desire to see a person, especially if you are worried that they think you are acting like a needy person. Take some time off and let them come to you. No one likes it when someone won’t respect their personal time and space.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- This is specifically crucial in romantic relationships, especially in the beginning when clear boundaries and expectations haven’t been defined. Don’t make your new partner think you are needy because you want to spend every second together. People need alone time or time to do things with other people. This is normal and it doesn’t mean anything negative about you.
Advertisement
3
Don’t be overeager. If you are concerned that someone thinks you are too needy, then avoid appearing too eager to interact with them. It’s okay to let people know that you enjoy spending time with them, but to avoid looking needy you need to offer a little hesitation sometimes.
- If they ask you to hang out, don’t immediately jump at the opportunity every time – especially if they know you had other plans. Don’t blow off existing plans to do something with this person because it will appear needy.^{[3]
  X
  Research source}
4
Try not to call and text so often. Try to limit the number of calls or texts you send to people. It can be off-putting if you bombard someone with texts all day long. If you find yourself wanting to contact one person too frequently, try expanding your circle so that you have more than one person to reach out to.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- This is especially important if you feel like you are always the one initiating conversations. If people don’t initiate contact with you often, or at least some of the time, it could be a sign that they perceive you as needy and you might need to back off a bit.
- This includes other forms of social media too.
5
Wait for people to call you sometimes. Try not to be so proactive when you contact people. You are a fun, interesting person and people will start treating you that way when you start acting that way. Why should someone think about contacting you if they know you’ll do it for them sooner rather than later?
- Let people chase you. If you are always initiating conversations, then it is less exciting for the other person.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Practicing Self-Confidence and Overcoming Your Neediness

1
Maintain your own hobbies and interests. People like to be around others who have strong personalities and who know what they want. Stay active in your own life by participating in things that you enjoy. Other people will see this and admire you for it.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- This includes pursing your own educational and career goals. Continue making decisions about your own life that relate to your own interests.^{[6]
  X
  Research source}
2
Determine what you want. When you are engaging with others, think about what you want and if this interaction will help you get what you want. If you know what you want and go after it, people will interpret that as confidence.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- If you feel like you are acting needy towards a specific person, ask yourself what you are getting out of that relationship. If you can’t think of a good answer, it might be best to put some space between you and that person for a while. This will help you attain your own goals and it will make them think you are less needy.
3
Challenge yourself. If you find yourself feeling needy for the attention of others, it may mean that you have become bored with your own life. Try taking on a new project, learning a new skill, or planning a new adventure to liven things up.
4
Work to raise your self-esteem. Low self-esteem is a big cause of needy behavior. So in order to overcome your needy behavior, it will be very beneficial to start trying to improve your own self-esteem.
- Surround yourself with positive people who make you feel good about yourself.
- Focus on your accomplishments, not your failures.
- If there is something about yourself that you are unhappy with, take steps to change it. If you aren’t happy with your job, start working on your résumé and extracurricular activities so that you can get a job that will be more satisfying to you.
5
Eliminate negative self-talk from your vocabulary. Don’t allow yourself to think negatively about yourself or your accomplishments. If you find yourself thinking negatively, immediately redirect your thoughts. This will aid you in raising your self-esteem.
- For example, if you find yourself thinking that you look a little chubby today, instead focus your thoughts on how proud you are that you made it to the gym yesterday (or that you are planning to go for a walk tomorrow, etc.).
6
Make more friends. One good way to overcome needy behavior over time is by expanding your social circle. If you have more friends to engage with, it is less likely that a single person will feel that you are clinging to them in a needy way. You can focus your attention on more people, thereby seeming less needy to everyone.
- Try getting to know some of your acquaintances better – this means hanging out more with friends of friends that you already know. Or maybe it means putting more effort into getting to know someone you’ve casually met before at school, work, or church.
- Don’t be afraid to talk to new people – those that you meet in a safe environment, of course. Maybe your next new friend will be someone walking their dog on your street or playing in the park in your neighborhood. Talk to people and begin developing new friendships.
7
Figure out why you are so needy. A big part in acting less needy is determining why you tend to act that way in the first place.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.} This discovery might require a lot of self-reflection, discussion with trusted friends, or even professional counseling. All of these are great options. And you really need to know the answer to this question.
- One possible reason you might be acting needy is because you are afraid of being abandoned.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tala Johartchi, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.} Or perhaps you are worried that your partner might cheat on you. Additionally, you could be scared that you will end up alone – that it will be difficult for you to keep friends and lovers in your life.
- Try to identify how often you feel clingy, along with the events that cause you to feel that way.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tala Johartchi, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.}
- Whatever the cause of your needy behavior, it will be necessary to pinpoint this cause in order to correct the behavior effectively.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Assessing Your Neediness

1
Think about your own past behavior. Try to think about how you have behaved in certain situations in the past, especially situations involving people you are worried about thinking of you as being needy.
- Imagine how you would have felt if a person treated you the same way. If you would interpret it as needy behavior from someone else, chances are that people will interpret it that way coming from you
2
Reflect on what people say about you. Sometimes people will tell you if you are acting too needy. If someone has perhaps mentioned to you that you seem needy during an argument or other heated situation, then it probably isn't true. However, if three or four people have said this to you, some of whom were your friends, then it is quite possible they are right.
- You can even ask a trusted friend or family member outright if they think your behavior is needy. Ask your mom if she thinks you act needy towards your friends.
3
Think objectively. Try to assess whether you truly are needy or if you are simply blowing an idea out of proportion. It is easy to get caught up in your own mind and obsess over something, but others rarely pay attention as closely as you do. So try to determine if the encounter you are worried about was actually needy, or if you are just making a big deal about it in your own mind.
- For instance, there's probably a deeper issue at play if you feel distressed whenever a certain person isn't nearby.^{[11]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tala Johartchi, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.}
4
Remember that different people define neediness differently. What you consider “needy” behavior might be totally different than what someone else considers “needy” behavior. Try to remember this and adapt your behavior for each person you are dealing with.
- Many people have different perceptions as to what actually constitutes “neediness” and it is this you should first come to terms with.
- There are some obvious boundaries; if you are calling someone continuously and you feel the need to not only know what they are doing but what they are thinking, then you are more than likely overdoing it and the person on the receiving end isn't likely to thank you for it. However, if you are concerned they haven't contacted you in a week and decide to give them a call, this is in no way needy.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why are people are clingy to their friends?

Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Tala Johartchi is a Clinical Psychologist based in the Los Angeles, California metro area. With expertise and advanced training in Evidence-Based Practices and therapeutic/behavioral frameworks, Dr. Johartchi specializes in working with individuals, couples, and families experiencing Substance Disorders, Love Addiction and Codependency, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as common co-occurring disorders such as Depression, Anxiety, and Relational/Attachment difficulties. She earned an MA and PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The American School of Professional Psychology at Argosy University, San Francisco.

Tala Johartchi, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

It really depends on the person's background. Some people might be clingy because they're afraid of being abandoned, while other people might be scared of something bad happening to their friend.