How to Deal With an Intrusive, Needy Mother in Law

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: February 23, 2023 References

Does your mother-in-law try to run your home like it's hers, criticize your every move, and barge in unannounced? If you’re fed up, discuss your feelings with your spouse. Come up with clear boundaries, and have your spouse discuss the problem with their mother. If you need to stand up for yourself in the moment, be assertive, but keep your cool. Let her know calmly and firmly that her behavior is inappropriate and you won't tolerate it.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Addressing Issues in the Moment

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Learn to pick your battles. It’s not worth getting upset every time your mother-in-law asks about something personal or gets on your nerves. Try to stay calm and ignore minor grievances. Save your energy for when she oversteps boundaries in more significant ways.^{[1]
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- For example, if you had her over for dinner and she says, “Well the chicken’s alright, but I would have seasoned it more,” just let it slide. Tell her, “Thanks for the tip!”
2
Enforce your boundaries calmly and firmly when necessary. Stick up for yourself, but don’t be disrespectful or shout. When you need to tell her to back down, try to keep your tone neutral and matter-of-fact. Do your best to keep your cool to avoid escalating the conflict.^{[2]
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- Suppose she keeps asking about personal topics, such as why you don’t go to her place of worship or how many exes you have. Tell her, “I’d rather not discuss that topic. Let’s talk about something else.”
- If she comes over without calling ahead, tell her, “Now isn’t a good time. We’ve talked about calling ahead to make sure it’s convenient, and you’ll have to come over another time.”
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Assert your authority politely if she tries to run your home. If she tends to take over whenever she visits your home, ask her to sit and relax. Thank her for wanting to help, but stress that you have everything under control.^{[3]
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- For instance, if you invite her over for dinner and she tries to take over in the kitchen, say, “Thanks for offering to help, but I can handle it! Have a seat and relax. I don’t like to put company to work!”
- If she insists on helping, you could give her a simple task to keep her out of the way, like chopping veggies or making the salad.^{[4]
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Stand up for yourself if she repeatedly disrespects you. If she continues to criticize you, pester you about private topics, and invade your personal space, tell her to stop. You still shouldn’t shout or get angry, but make it clear that you won’t tolerate further disrespect.^{[5]
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- Say, “We’ve discussed this before, and I’m not comfortable with the way you continue to interfere with my household. I’ve tried to be cordial, and I want to keep the peace, but this has to stop.”

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Forming a United Front with Your Spouse

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Explain your feelings to your partner. Respect your spouse’s relationship with their mother, but explain your needs for personal space and autonomy. Make your needs clear, and name specific issues that need to be addressed. Keep your tone positive, and remind your spouse that you don’t blame them for their mother’s actions.^{[6]
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- For example, say, “I understand you’re close with your mother, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. However, I need boundaries. It’s not okay for her to come over unannounced or criticize my parenting skills.”
- Bring up your feelings as soon as possible. You’ll have an easier time handling issues without conflict if you address them sooner rather than later.
2
Tell your spouse you understand they’re in a tough position. Let your spouse know that you get how rough it is being in the middle of the conflict. Emphasize that the relationship between you and your spouse is separate from the conflict between you and your mother-in-law.^{[7]
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- Say, “I get that you’re in a tough position. I don’t want you to feel like you have to choose between me and your family. I love you, and these issues shouldn’t drive a wedge between us.”
3
Work with your spouse to come up with clear boundaries. In addition to explaining your needs, ask your spouse how they envision their mother’s role in your lives and how best to deal with the issues you are facing with them. Work with them to find middle ground that satisfies you both.^{[8]
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- For example, your spouse might not mind if she pops in unannounced, and wants her to be a close part of your lives. You could have her over for weekly dinners to satisfy your spouse’s needs, and require her to call ahead before visiting.
- Compromise with your partner, but make your needs clear. Tell them, “I’m happy that you’re so close with your parents, and I want to support that. But I’m your partner, and I need your support, too. Maintaining our privacy doesn’t mean you can’t have a close relationship with your mother.”^{[9]
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Ask your spouse to have a conversation with their mother on their own. Once you’ve come up with solutions, your spouse should have a talk with their mother alone. Bear in mind it’s your partner’s responsibility to address problems with their parents. If they’re hesitant, explain that they need to take the lead, just as you would if there were an issue with your parents.^{[10]
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- Say, “You need to be the one to tell your mother to give us some space. If you ever have an issue with my parents, then I’d need to take the lead. Be assertive but respectful. Tell her that we’re not shutting her out, but we need to set boundaries.”
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Remind your spouse that they need to have your back. From establishing boundaries to handling criticism or disrespect in the moment, your spouse should defend you. Married partners' primary loyalties are to each other.^{[11]
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- Make sure that your spouse takes the lead in enforcing boundaries and responds to their mother before you have to. This may be more effective than you saying something.
- If your mother-in-law puts you down, your spouse should calmly say, “Please don’t insult Sam like that. When you disrespect my spouse, you disrespect me, and it’s not okay.”
- If your partner doesn't have your back, tell them, “We’re a team, and I’m hurt that you didn’t defend me when your mother insulted me. I don’t want to put you in the middle, but you need to stick up for me.”

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Setting Healthy Boundaries

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Tell her that all friends and family need to call ahead before visiting. You and your spouse could tell your mother-in-law that you have a “call ahead” rule for all guests. Phrasing it in general terms could make her feel less targeted and help you avoid a conflict.^{[12]
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- Your spouse could tell her, “You shouldn’t feel like we don’t want to spend time with you. We just prefer that our friends and family call ahead to make sure it’s a convenient time to visit.”
2
Use specific times and dates when you plan visits. If your mother-in-law tends to overstay her welcome, specify start and end times when you make plans. When time’s up, let her know politely but firmly that it’s time to go.^{[13]
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- For example, say, “You can come over for lunch at noon, but Sam and I have to run errands after 3 p.m.”
- Meeting on neutral turf is also a good way to prevent in-laws from overstaying their welcome. Instead of having them come over, meet them at a restaurant or park.
3
Don’t loan money or accept support from your in-laws. Staying out of each other’s finances can prevent conflicts over money. Furthermore, if you borrow money or accept support from your mother-in-law, she might seize the opportunity to exert authority.^{[14]
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- For example, suppose you borrow money to pay for something for your child, such as tuition. Your mother-in-law could bring that up when you ask her to stay out of your parenting decisions.
4
Explain your parenting rules to her clearly, if you have kids. When she babysits, let her know what and when your kids should eat and when they nap or go to bed. Tell her which TV shows, movies, and other media are off-limits, and note if they need to do homework or any other tasks.^{[15]
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- Since they've already raised kids, in-laws sometimes don't respond well to long, detailed lists of instructions. Try quick, relevant guidelines, such as, “Please don't let the kids watch TV or play video games unless they've finished their homework," or “Billy needs to take his allergy medication at 7 p.m. Please make sure he takes it.”
- Keep in mind your mother-in-law might not always stick to your parenting style. It’s best to brush off minor issues, such as if she feeds your kids ice cream against your wishes.
- If you have a disagreement about parenting, make sure the kids aren't within earshot. Don't allow your mother-in-law to verbally undermine your authority in front of the kids.
- Giving her opportunities to watch your kids can help her feel needed. If she feels that she plays an important role, she might back off from trying to take over other aspects of your life. However, if she frequently goes against your wishes when handling the children, then you may not want to have her watch them anymore.
5
Spend time with her only if your spouse is present. Keeping the peace doesn’t mean you need to be best friends with your mother-in-law. Limit your contact with her when your spouse isn’t present, especially if she routinely belittles or criticizes you.^{[16]
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- For example, if you’re dropping off your kids at her house, say hello and be cordial, but don’t stick around all afternoon. Say, “Well it’s been nice chatting, but I’ve got to get going. I should be back for the kids around 5.”
6
Avoid complaining about her to your children or other in-laws. Venting to your husband or a trusted friend is one thing, but don’t talk badly about your mother-in-law to your kids. Additionally, don’t complain to any siblings-in-law or any of your spouse’s other relatives.^{[17]
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- You don’t want your mother-in-law to hear that you’ve been talking about her behind her back. Your siblings-in-law might complain to you about their mother, but it’s wise to avoid contributing the conversation.

Conversation Help

Working Through Disagreements With Your Mother In Law

Asking Your Partner for Support

Talking With Your Mother In Law about Boundaries

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do I say no if my mother in law asks for money?

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Let her know that you and your spouse make financial decisions together and that you’ll discuss it with your spouse. Perhaps your spouse can tell his/her mother no in a more effective way.
Question

How do I deal with a mother in law who holds grudges?

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Professional Counselor
Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Be yourself. If you do not hold grudges, continue not holding grudges. You cannot control the behavior of someone else, but you can control how you handle the way they behave with you. Rise above it and resist the urge to get upset if your mother-in-law holds a grudge against you.