Why Is My Husband Getting Texts from Dating Sites? What It Might Mean and What to Do

Co-authored by Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: October 21, 2021 References

No one wants to find dating site texts on their husband's phone, but don't let yourself panic. It's increasingly common to have personal information stolen or sold to third parties like dating sites that try to make money. If you suspect that your husband signed up for a dating site, then you may need to reevaluate your relationship and have an honest conversation.

Question 1 of 7:

What does it mean if my husband gets texts from dating sites?

1
His personal information may have been sold or stolen. Think about all the websites that have your name and email address. There's a good chance that this information was sold by a service provider to a third party like a dating site, blog, or online store. It's also entirely possible that his information was stolen by hackers who sold it to questionable dating sites.^{[1]
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- Check the spam folder on your accounts—chances are, you've gotten texts and emails from places you never signed up with! The same could be true with your husband and these texts.
2
He might get texts if he's a registered site user. If he gave a dating site his information at some point, he probably got put on a text message and email promotion list. Before you get worried, keep in mind that he could have signed up well before he even met you. It's not uncommon for dating sites to occasionally message old users in the hopes that they'll return.^{[2]
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Question 2 of 7:

Should I be concerned if he's getting these texts?

1
Not if you feel like you're in a happy, healthy marriage. If you completely trust your husband and communicate effectively, you probably don't feel like there's anything to worry about. If the texts bug you, you can easily bring them up and ask your husband about them.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
2
Possibly—if your marriage has been rocky. If you automatically suspected your husband of cheating, ask yourself, "Why did I immediately think he would go behind my back?" Think about how well you communicate and whether or not you trust each other. If you assume the worst, your relationship probably needs a little work.^{[4]
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- Is your husband usually secretive? Hiding things from you might suggest that he's been active on dating sites.

Question 3 of 7:

How can I see if my husband is on a dating site?

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Ask yourself if you feel comfortable invading his privacy. If you've already found texts on his phone, you may have already been snooping. Before you go any farther, though, consider how searching his phone might impact your marriage, and think about why you're doing it in the first place.^{[5]
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- You might decide that it would be better to address your concerns with your husband instead of looking through his phone.
- If you do decide to search his phone, you should mentally prepare to handle the information that you may or may not find.
2
Check the browser history on his phone and look for dating apps. If you really suspect your husband of cheating and you want to search his phone, look for hidden folders or search for dating apps that he's downloaded.^{[6]
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- You can also go onto the dating site and try to log in using your husband's email address. If he's registered, it will probably offer to reset his password. If he's not registered with that email, it will tell you.

Question 4 of 7:

Should I talk to my husband about these texts?

Talk with your husband if you're concerned. If you think the texts are just spam and you're happy with your marriage, there's probably no need to bring them up. However, if something makes you think your husband might be actively using a dating site, don't be afraid to bring it up. This gives your husband a chance to clear up confusion or to be honest about what he's been doing.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- For instance, you might say, "I noticed you've been getting texts from a dating site. Why are they texting you? Did you make an account?"
- Try to stay calm and give your husband a chance to explain himself. Then, let him know how it made you feel to find the texts. Remember, communication is critical in a healthy marriage.

Question 5 of 7:

How do I talk about the texts with my husband?

Sit down to have a constructive conversation about your feelings. Don't start by automatically accusing your husband of being on a dating site or cheating. Instead, calmly bring up what you know and say how it makes you feel.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Then, give him a chance to respond. It's really important to talk in a respectful way so you can address your emotions and prevent possible misunderstandings.^{[9]
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- For instance, you might say, "I glanced at your phone the other day and saw that you'd gotten texts from a dating site. Why are you getting those? It made me really nervous."

Question 6 of 7:

How do I know if my husband is cheating?

You could look for several signs like deleting texts and browser history. If he suddenly starts acting secretive about his computer and phone use, you might be suspicious. Now, there's a very good chance that he's not cheating, but you might ask yourself you've noticed any of these other red flags:^{[10]
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- Your sex life has changed significantly.
- He's frequently unavailable and doesn't emotionally connect.
- He takes more care in his appearance.
- He seems hostile toward you and your marriage.
- Your mutual friends act uncomfortable around you.
- His schedule changes frequently.

Question 7 of 7:

What should I do if I suspect he's cheating?

1
Ask yourself how you feel about your marriage. How would you feel if he confirms he's cheating? It might help to know if you'd feel relieved or crushed, for instance. Think about how you'd feel if you found he wasn't cheating. Would you be happily reassured or would you have lingering doubts?^{[11]
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- Your feelings will tell you how the marriage is going and what might need to change.
- You might be spending too much time reading into his behavior, so don't forget that you need to make time for yourself, too!
2
Talk with your husband about your fears. Don't let your concerns or suspicions eat away at your marriage. It's much better to have an honest discussion.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Then, you can decide whether to work on the marriage together or go your separate ways.^{[13]
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- This is definitely going to be a tough conversation, but it doesn't have to be a single discussion. If things get too heated, take a break and regroup. Then, talk again when you're both calm and open to talking.
3
Suggest going to marriage counseling together. Whether your husband is cheating or you just think your marriage needs extra support, try marriage counseling. Even if he's not cheating, talking with a therapist can bring you closer together and improve your communication skills. ^{[14]
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- If your spouse won't go to counseling, consider going to therapy by yourself. Don't forget that you need to look out for yourself.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you get a cheater to confess?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

Honesty and transparency are the antidotes to secrecy and lying. If you think something's up, let your partner know. A good way to approach it could be by saying "Hey, I've noticed that you're coming home really late a lot. I'm wondering if something is going on."
Question

Is it right to spy on your spouse?

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical

Expert Answer

Spying on your spouse is not the ideal way to solve your issues. It's always best to be honest and upfront about how you're feeling whenever possible. If things are pretty tense, feel free to voice specific questions or concerns, like "I noticed you've been working late, and I don't know where you are."