Why Am I Sad After Breaking Up with Someone? How to Deal with Breakups

Co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: June 23, 2022 References

There’s no doubt about it: breakups really suck. It might surprise you, though, just how down in the dumps you feel after your relationship ends. Whether you were the one who instigated the breakup or you just got broken up with, we’ve listed all the reasons why you might be feeling sad as well as some helpful tips for moving on.

1

You miss them.

Just because you two didn’t work out doesn’t mean you don’t like them. Maybe they understood you in a way that no one else did, or maybe you felt like you could trust them completely. It’s understandable to be sad about losing a good friend, and it’s okay to feel bummed that you won’t have that close relationship with your ex again.^{[1]
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- If you really want to remain friends with your ex, give yourself both some time, and then consider reaching out again. It doesn’t always work out to be friends with an ex, but it can!

2

You planned a future together.

It's upsetting to lose the future you were counting on. You might have talked about moving in together, going to a new city, or even getting married and having kids. It’s okay to feel sad that you won’t get to do these things with them, since that affects your own life plans.^{[2]
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- Just remember that you can set your own goals now on your own terms, and you don’t need anyone else to make your dreams happen.

3

You feel lonely.

Not having someone around can make you feel sad. Humans are social people, and we love having company around, so it can be a bummer to spend more time on your own now. Even if you and your ex weren’t right for each other, facing more alone time can be tough. Try reaching out to friends to fill your time with people you love as you heal from your breakup.^{[3]
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- It’s pretty common for people to isolate themselves from others after a breakup, but try not to do this. It can make it much harder to heal and move on if you shut yourself away.

4

You’re reminiscing about the good times.

You probably had some fun times together, even if they were few and far between. You might be missing how they made you laugh or the funny pranks they used to pull. These memories can be hard to think about after a breakup, but it will get easier over time.^{[4]
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- Try to balance out those memories with some of the bad ones. This sounds harsh, but it can really help remind you of why you two broke up in the first place.

5

You regret the breakup.

You might be wondering if you could have fixed things instead. This is especially common if you initiated the breakup, but it can also happen if you were the one who was broken up with (you might wonder if you should have tried harder). Try not to beat yourself up, and instead look at the relationship from an analytical perspective: were there serious issues that weren’t going to get resolved? Were you just plain unhappy? More often than not, breaking up was the right way to go, even if it seems scary right afterwards.^{[5]
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- This is especially common if you tend to doubt yourself in other areas of life, too. Remember that you know yourself best, and you can make the decision that’s right for you and your life.

6

You hurt your ex’s feelings.

Breakups hurt, and it’s not fun to see someone else in pain. Even if you were the one who initiated the breakup, you probably don’t want to see your ex upset or sad, which is probably how you saw them last. No one wants to hurt someone else’s feelings, and breaking up with someone can make you feel sad, even if it was the right thing to do.^{[6]
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- On the flip side, if you were the one broken up with, you’re probably the one who’s hurting. Try to take comfort in the fact that this pain will fade over time, and it doesn’t last forever.

7

You’re worried you’ll never find someone new.

When you go through a breakup, it can feel like you’ll be alone forever. Try to remember that you will get over this hurdle, and you’ll almost certainly find a new partner in the future (if that’s what you want to do). Set your sights toward what’s to come instead of dwelling on what already happened.^{[7]
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- On the flip side, try to avoid rushing into a relationship before you’re ready for one. You probably need some time to get over your breakup, even if you were the one who broke up with the other person.

8

You’re worried you might lose some friends.

Your partner might have introduced you to their friends. If you’ve gotten to know your ex’s friends while you two were dating, it can feel sad to lose touch with these people once you’re no longer together. Reach out to the friends that you still have, and lean on the people closest to you. They can help you feel like you’re not alone after your breakup.^{[8]
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- If you got really close to your ex’s friends, don’t assume that they don’t want to be friends anymore! You might just be surprised about who still wants to hang with you.

9

You won’t get to see your partner’s family anymore.

In long-term relationships, this can be tough, because you might have gotten close. You might have gotten to know your partner’s parents, siblings, or nieces and nephews. Not being able to see them anymore can feel really sad, and it’s okay to be a little bummed that you won’t get to see them anymore.^{[9]
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- This is another instance where your own support network is super helpful. Reaching out to your loved ones can help soften the blow of losing touch with your ex’s family.

10

You had to move out of your home.

If you and your ex lived together, this could be a factor. Maybe you really loved where you lived, and you don’t want to leave—or maybe you can’t afford to live on your own, so you have to downsize a bit. It’s okay to feel sad about a disrupted living situation, because that can impact your life a lot.^{[10]
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- Try to turn it around and put a positive spin on it. For the first time in a while, you get to make a decision about your living situation all on your own!

11

You’re grieving the relationship.

Losing a relationship can cause you to grieve just like a death can. Even if you were the one who instigated the breakup, you might still go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.^{[11]
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Research source} No matter which stage you’re in, you could feel sad or down, so it’s important to let yourself feel your emotions. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship.^{[12]
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- Some people get stuck in the depression phase for quite a while. If you’re feeling sad or numb and you don’t know how to cope, consider talking to a mental health professional.