Here's What to Do When Your Roommate's Boyfriend Is Always Over

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: February 25, 2022 References

Is your roommate’s boyfriend over so often it feels like you have a third roommate? Having someone else in your space can be annoying, especially when they’re not paying rent. Fortunately, by talking to your roommate you can set clear boundaries and work on a solution. Read through this article for a comprehensive list of tips that you can use when talking to your roommate about how often their boyfriend is over.

1

Talk to your roommate now instead of putting it off.

Get it out into the open as soon as possible to avoid resentment. If you and your roommate have to live together for a while, talking about any issues will make it much easier. Make a plan to talk to your roommate ASAP to avoid making the problem worse.^{[1]
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- It’s your living space too, and you’re allowed to bring up any issues that you’re having with your shared home.

2

Use “I” statements.

Focus on how you feel to avoid making your roommate defensive. When you’re describing the issue at hand, try not to assign any blame or make it sound like your roommate is at fault. Instead, talk about how you’ve been feeling and what emotions you’re going through lately.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} For instance:^{[3]
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- “When your boyfriend is over all the time, I feel like I can’t relax in my own space.”
- “Having your boyfriend over 24/7 makes me feel like I’m living with 2 roommates instead of 1.”

3

Explain why you’re bothered.

Make it clear why you have an issue with their boyfriend being over. Maybe he eats your food, hogs the bathroom, or takes over the communal space in your home. Whatever it is, spell it out clearly so that your roommate knows exactly where you’re coming from. For example:^{[4]
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- “It’s not that I don’t like Jeremy, because I do. But when I’m trying to get ready for work and he’s in the shower for 45 minutes, it makes me a little angry.”
- “When we buy groceries, we only buy them for 2 people. When Henry is over all the time, we run out of food way faster, which isn’t fair to me.”

4

Set clear boundaries.

Let your roommate know what you are and aren’t okay with. Maybe you’re fine with their boyfriend coming over 2 or 3 times a week, but not every night. Or, maybe it’s okay for him to stay over whenever, but he can’t eat your food or hog the bathroom anymore. It’s up to you to decide your boundaries, but make sure your roommate knows what they are.^{[5]
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- “Could we limit how often your boyfriend stays the night? Maybe you could go to his place every other day instead of always being here.”
- “If he’s going to eat our food, he needs to contribute to the grocery bill. I can’t afford to feed an extra person.”

5

Listen to your roommate.

Let your roommate speak their mind from their perspective.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}T here might be reasons why their boyfriend is over so often or why your roommate doesn’t love going to his place. Listen to your roommate and try to understand them, but don’t back down about setting your boundaries.^{[7]
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- Make eye contact and nod along as your roommate talks so they know you’re listening.
- Try to practice reflective listening skills, where you repeat back what your roommate is saying to make sure you understand.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}

6

Work together to find a solution.

Come to a conclusion that you can both live with. You might not get exactly what you want, and your roommate might not, either. However, you can both throw out suggestions and come up with an agreement that works for the both of you. You don’t have to be best friends at the end of this, but you do have to live together still.^{[9]
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- For instance, if your roommate wants their boyfriend over every day but you’d prefer twice a week, you could compromise and say he can come over every other day.
- If your roommate wants your boyfriend to have free rein of the house but you’d rather he not be in the common areas, you could make a schedule where he’s allowed to hang out in the living room a few times a week instead of every day.

7

Limit his visits if your roommate is open to it.

Agree on how often the boyfriend is allowed to be at your place. You might suggest that their boyfriend only comes over every other day, or that he only spends the night on weekends. That way, you can get some much-needed time away from him, and your roommate knows that he’s still welcome within reason.^{[10]
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8

Ask the boyfriend to pay rent if he can’t limit his visits.

Suggest that the boyfriend pay his share if he’s living with you two. If he’s over almost all the time, he’s essentially a second roommate. If your roommate doesn’t want to limit how often their boyfriend stays over, suggest that he start contributing to rent and utilities. That way, if he uses the hot water or eats some of the food, he’s actually paying for it.^{[11]
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- Say something like, “I’m fine with him coming over, but I think he should start contributing to the bills. He uses the living space as much as we do, so he should probably pay a portion of the rent.”
- You could also suggest that he contributes to bills, like household items or cleaning supplies.

9

Make a roommate contract if you need to.

The rules that you two agree to can be tricky to enforce. If you do come up with a solution together, consider writing them down and signing them at the bottom. That way, there’s no confusion on what was said, and you and your roommate can refer back to the rules anytime there’s a disagreement about them.^{[12]
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- For instance, the rule about significant others might be, “Can only spend the night on weekends. Cannot eat food from the shared pantry.”

10

Get a third-party involved to facilitate conversation.

If you and your roommate can’t work it out, a mediator can help. If you’re living in a college dorm, talk to your RA about helping you and your roommate talk things out together. If you’re in an apartment, ask a friend or a loved one to help you come up with solutions. Fighting with a roommate isn’t easy, and outside support can help make things go a little smoother.^{[13]
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- If things really blow up, you can always ask your landlord about the rules around guests in the lease. Many leases specify that guests (or people who aren’t on the lease) can only stay the night 2 to 3 times per week.

11

Look for a new place if you have to.

Unfortunately, some roommates just aren’t a good fit. If you’ve talked things over with your roommate and they insist on having their BF over all the time, it might be time for you to start planning an exit strategy. Take a look at your lease to see how long you have left—if you can’t wait that long, weigh the cost of breaking your lease early.^{[14]
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- If you’re living in a dorm, you can request a room transfer via your RA.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why do boundaries matter?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Having boundaries helps prevent resentment in a given relationship! It's so important to know your own personal boundaries, and also to have boundaries within a relationship. Everyone has different needs and experiences, and it's really important to communicate those clearly.