How to Deal with Annoying Roommates

Co-authored by Sabrina Grover, LMSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: April 11, 2022 References

Living with roommates isn’t easy, especially when it seems like they’re doing everything they can to get on your nerves. Talking to your roommates and setting some ground rules can really help you relax in your living space and feel happy in your home. In this article, we’ll tell you everything you need to know about dealing with annoying roommates so you can handle issues and make your house a home again.

1

Calm down before talking about things.

Yelling at your roommate could make the issue worse. Although it’s tough to deal with the annoying things that your roommate does, try to stay calm and take a few deep breaths before chatting with them. That way, you’re set up for a more productive conversation that you two can have civilly.^{[1]
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- Set up a time to talk to your roommate in person, not over text. A face-to-face conversation is much easier to get through than something over the phone.

2

Talk to your roommate about what bothers you.

Express how you’ve been feeling so grievances stop piling up. While it can seem easy to just brush off your roommate’s behavior, eventually, you’re going to get sick and tired of it. Chat with your roommate about what’s been bugging you, and see if you two can come up with a solution to it together.^{[2]
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- “I just wanted to talk about our noise levels at night. I don’t mind if you stay up on weekends, but it’s really hard for me to sleep on weeknights when you’re in the living room playing loud music.”
- “I know you and your boyfriend want to spend a lot of time together, but it’s starting to feel like he’s another roommate. Could you guys maybe hang out at his place sometimes?”

3

Set some ground rules.

Make your expectations clear so your roommate can follow them. If you find your roommates annoying, they might not know that their behavior bothers you. Hold a house meeting or approach them one-on-one to talk about what you expect of each other and how you can all live happily together.^{[3]
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- Conversations like these are best had in person, not over text.
- Start the conversation by saying something like, “Hey, could we all chat for a minute? I just wanted to go over some house rules to make sure we’re all happy with our living arrangement.”

4

Create boundaries for yourself.

Boundaries make it clear what is and isn’t okay. You might set boundaries about borrowing your stuff, having people over late at night, or eating your food. Spell your needs out calmly yet firmly so that there’s no question.^{[4]
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- “I don’t mind if you need to borrow my stuff, but please don’t go in my room without asking. If I’m not home, just text me and ask first before you borrow anything.”
- “It’s okay if you need to use some of my milk or my condiments. But if you’re going to take something big from the pantry that I bought, could you ask me first?”
- Don’t let your roommate take advantage of you or your things. Communicate how you’d like to be treated so that there’s no misunderstanding.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
  Expert Interview. 26 July 2021.}

5

Compromise with your roommate.

Hear your roommate out and listen to their concerns. Since you all live here together, it’s important to reach agreements that make everyone happy. Let your roommates talk and listen to what will make them feel comfortable, too—that way, everyone leaves the conversation feeling good.^{[6]
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- For instance, if you want a lights out time at 9 but your roommate doesn’t go to bed until 1 AM, maybe you could compromise and settle for 11.
- If your roommate has their partner over every day and you’d rather they only come over on weekends, maybe you could settle for having them over every other day.

6

Divide the work around the house evenly.

A schedule makes everyone’s expectations clear. You and your roommates might have different ideas about what a clean home looks like. Try creating a chore chart or cleaning schedule and posting it somewhere that everyone can see. That way, it’s clear who is supposed to be doing what, and it will avoid a lot of fights or blaming each other.^{[7]
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- For instance, maybe you’ll sweep and mop the floors every week, while your roommate takes out the trash every other day.
- If you find that you and your roommates are fighting for kitchen space, try creating a cooking schedule, too. You can set times and make a schedule for who can use the kitchen when.^{[8]
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7

Write up a roommate agreement.

Put your rules into writing so there’s no confusion later on. After you and your roommates all agree on some basic rules, sit down and write them in a list together. Post the list in a common area somewhere so anyone can see it at any time. That way, you can all refer to it when you need to, and no one can claim that they didn’t see a rule or forgot about it.^{[9]
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- A roommate agreement is great to have, but it doesn’t carry any legal weight. You can ask your roommates to follow it, but you can’t force them to.

8

Bring up further issues with your roommate right away.

Communication will keep you all on the same page. If you notice that your roommate isn’t holding up their end of the agreement, sit down and talk with them about it one-on-one. Try to frame things gently, using “I” statements so that they don’t get defensive.^{[10]
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- “I noticed that there are some dirty dishes in the sink. I totally understand that you had a busy week, but is there any way you could do those soon? A messy kitchen makes me feel a little anxious.”
- “Your boyfriend’s been over kind of a lot lately. When we have guests over constantly, I feel like I can’t relax in my home.”
- Go into the conversation with a non-judgmental mindset.^{[11]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Sabrina Grover, LMSW
  Licensed Master Social Worker
  Expert Interview. 3 December 2021.} If you can approach your roommate in a neutral, understanding way, you’re much more likely to have a productive conversation.

9

Let small problems go.

Your roommates won’t be perfect, and that’s okay. The more you can learn to live with their quirks, the happier you’ll be. Don’t feel like you have to bring up everything irritating that they do—let the small things roll off your back instead.^{[12]
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- For instance, if your quiet hours are at 10 but your roommate plays music until 10:15, that’s probably okay.
- If your roommate borrows your pan without asking but they also clean it and put it back in the right spot, that might be something you can let go.

10

Hold yourself to the same standards as your roommate.

Set a good example so your roommates can follow it. Try to be a good roommate yourself, and don’t violate any of the roommate agreements you all settled on. The more you can show your roommates how they should be acting, the better.^{[13]
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- If they bring up issues with you, try to hear them out and do your best to accommodate their needs. That way, they’ll do the same for you.

11

Look for a new place to live.

You may be happier if you can find a new living situation. If you’ve tried talking to your roommates and setting ground rules but you’re still irritated by them, it may be time to look for a new place. Remember, your roommates aren’t forever, and you will eventually find an awesome place that you’re happy with!^{[14]
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- If you can’t move out right away, try spending more time outside of your home. Hang out at a friend’s house or go to a library for some much-needed space from your annoying roommates.