What to Do When Your Boyfriend Says He Needs Space: 10 Tips

Written by Lena Dicken, Psy.D | Edited by Hunter Rising

Last Updated: May 21, 2022 References

So your boyfriend said he needs space, but how are you supposed to respond if you aren’t sure what he means? Whether you just started dating or have been together long-term, it’s still nerve-wracking when you hear him say he wants space. Luckily, you can still support your boyfriend without making him pull away even more. Keep reading to learn what you should say to your boyfriend and how you can respect his need for space.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist, Lena Dicken. Check out the full interview here.

1

Avoid immediately jumping to conclusions.

It’s normal for a guy to want space in a relationship. Just because your boyfriend asked for space doesn’t mean that he wants to break up or move on. Unless he gave you some indication he was upset or unhappy, he may just think your relationship is moving a little too fast or that he doesn’t get enough time for himself. Keep an open mind when he brings it up since it may not be the end of the world.^{[1]
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- Getting space in a relationship allows you to develop your other relationships, gives you time for your personal goals, and helps you appreciate the time you get to spend with your boyfriend.

2

Ask him how much space he needs.

Finding out what he wants prevents you from crossing his boundaries. While some guys may want to cut off contact completely, your boyfriend may just want some more time to himself or to spend with friends. Clarify how much space he’s looking for so you get a better idea of what he expects.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.}
- “How much space should I give you to be the most helpful right now?”
- “What do you need from me so I can help you out the best?”
- “What does this mean for how we normally communicate?”

3

Express your feelings and needs.

Your needs and emotions are just as important as his in your relationship. Even though your boyfriend is the one asking for space, you should still tell him what you need to feel fulfilled. Use “I” statements to talk about how you’re feeling so it doesn’t seem like you’re blaming him for anything. Explaining how you’re feeling makes him more receptive and may help keep him close.^{[3]
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- “I feel confused because I cherish our quality time together and I don’t want to lose it.”
- “I look forward to talking to you each day so I feel sad that I won’t be able to reach out.”
- “I feel lonely when we’re apart, and I just need some security to make sure we’re okay.”

4

Tell him you’re there for him.

He’ll appreciate that you support him if he needs it. Even if you can’t solve his problems, you can still be there if he asks for your support. You shouldn’t try to force yourself into helping him out, but put out the offer so he can reach out when he needs to.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.}
- “I know you need some space, but I’m just a call away if you need to chat.”
- “I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk.”
- “I’m always here to support you, so don’t be afraid to ask.”

5

Set a time frame if he wants a longer break.

Choosing when to end a break keeps you from waiting around for him. If your boyfriend wants more time and space apart, pick a length of time to get back together and talk. It might just last a week or he may need a month or two. That should give him enough time to decide what he wants.^{[5]
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- “Can you text me in 1 week and let me know how you’re feeling then?”
- “Let’s talk again in a few weeks and we can catch up.”
- “Do you think a month is enough time? Can you check in with me after that?”
- If he doesn’t want to pick an end date, it might mean that he’s trying to move on. Remember that you deserve someone who respects your time and wants to be with you.

6

Give him the space he asked for.

Respect his requests so he doesn’t push you further away. Follow all of the guidelines your boyfriend set no matter what you agreed on. If it means that you have to go no-contact and cut off communication completely, then follow through with it. He’ll appreciate that you’ve listened to what he needs so he can work on himself.^{[6]
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- Chasing after your boyfriend when he asks for space can make him pull further away.

7

Practice self-compassion.

Blaming yourself will only put you in a worse mindset. Your boyfriend asked for space because he may feel like he’s missing something, but that doesn’t mean that it’s your fault. If you’re feeling stressed about your boyfriend asking for space, do a soothing activity, like going for a walk or deep breathing, to keep yourself relaxed. Use positive self-talk to boost your confidence and keep negative thoughts away.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.}

8

Recognize what you have to offer in your relationship.

Listing your positive qualities helps you feel more secure. Rather than dwelling on the things you lack, think about all of the things that make you special and a great companion. Focus on what makes your personality unique and what you value about yourself. Then, take a second to notice everything that you do for your boyfriend to help him feel loved and supported.^{[8]
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9

Make time for your hobbies and interests.

Doing what you love keeps you distracted and makes you more desirable. One of the best ways to make your boyfriend realize what he’s missing is by being an interesting person. Fill your free time by doing your favorite activities or developing your relationships with other people. Showing him that you have a life outside of the relationship will make him notice what he’s missing out on.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.}

10

Take it slow when he wants to reconnect.

Rushing back into the norm might be overwhelming after a break. You might have a lot to talk about after he reaches out again after getting space, but saying everything right away might push him away again. Just cherish the quality time that you’re sharing and live in the moment so you don’t accidentally make him feel closed off.^{[10]
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