12 Things to Do When No One Measures Up to Your Ex

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and Eric McClure

Last Updated: June 5, 2022 References

If you’ve gone through a breakup and now it feels like your ex has ruined dating for you, you aren’t alone. Using an ex as a measuring stick for future partners is an exceptionally common thing to do, especially if it hasn’t been that long since you two broke up. Fortunately, this a habit that will often resolve itself if you process your breakup completely and then date around for a while. Still, if you’d like to speed the healing process up or you’re worried about this being a long-term problem, we’ve got your back.

1

Give yourself time to process.

Sorting out your feelings about the breakup will make it easier to move on. If it has only been a few months (or even a year) since you broke up with your ex, it’s normal to still think about them periodically. You may get over the impulse to compare everyone to your ex if enough time passes. In the meantime, try not to be too hard on yourself about this.^{[1]
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- This often is simply a matter of waiting it out. There are ways to speed the process up for sure, but time really does heal all wounds.
- Your sample size for new partners may not be big enough to prove you have an issue here as well.
- If you're having trouble getting over a relationship, you may not have figured out all the lessons and blessings that came from it yet.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}

2

Go no contact if you haven’t already.

Texting them repeatedly will keep your ex on your mind. Cut your ex off entirely—even if things ended amicably and you aren’t holding a grudge. Texting them, calling them, or checking their social media profiles out can really ensure that your ex stays on your mind. It will be a lot easier to stop using your ex as a measuring stick for future dates if you aren’t interacting with your ex every day.^{[3]
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- If your ex is out of sight, they’ll be out of mind. This can give you the space you need to heal emotionally and get your dating legs back under you.
- Once you’ve gotten to the point where you’re no longer comparing people to your ex, you can go back to interacting with them if that’s what you want.
- This is especially helpful if you and your ex have an on-again-off-again relationship.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}

3

Enjoy not being tied down for a while.

Finding the joy in being single can help you re-center yourself. If you aren’t ready to date, forcing yourself to go out with people will just sour you on the entire thing. Dating should be fun, and if it isn’t fun for you, that’s okay. Hang out with your friends instead, or pour your energy into your hobbies and passions. You can get back out there when you feel like you’re in a calmer place emotionally.^{[5]
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- If dating new people is stressing you out, it’s just going to make you think about your ex even more. This can create a kind of negative feedback loop. It’s okay to be single!
- For some people, dating as much as possible is the right way to go. This is great if you just need a distraction, but if you’re comparing dates to your ex then that kind of distraction isn’t really working.

4

Remind yourself of your ex’s bad qualities.

Recalling the bad will take them down a peg in your mind. People tend to experience nostalgia when they break up with someone, which may be what’s happening here. Put a damper on this by reminding yourself of all of your ex’s awful traits. You broke up for a reason, so things probably weren’t perfect. Listing all of these nasty characteristics can help put things back into perspective.^{[6]
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- Start with all of the stuff that you really hated about their personality. Were they kind of rude sometimes? Did they ever say insensitive things? Were they not as educated as you would have liked?
- Don’t forget about physical stuff. Did they have awful morning breath? Did you hate their sense of style? Were they a sloppy eater? Those pet peeves can bring him down a peg in your head.

5

Focus on the present.

If you keep looking to the past, you’ll romanticize it. Pretending your ex never had any good qualities at all is unlikely to work. You’re using them as a measuring stick for dates after all, so clearly there was something you liked about them. By keeping your mind occupied in the present (or thinking about the future), you’ll stop reminiscing about the good times with your ex.^{[7]
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- Fill your calendar up! Take a new class, go out to a new restaurant with friends, or catch some live music.
- Pouring energy into things that will help you achieve future goals can keep you focused on the road ahead, not the path behind you.

6

Practice gratitude daily.

Remembering what’s going well can put your ex aside in your head. Gratitude journals are an easy way to do this. Every day, make a list of 5-10 things that you’re thankful for. You can also just list things in your head every morning as you get ready for school or work. Keeping the positive stuff in the forefront of your mind can keep you ^{[8]
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- You may be comparing everyone to your ex because you feel like you’re missing out. If you keep the positive things in mind, you might not have this sensation like there’s something missing.

7

Get rid of reminders and mementos.

Removing the things that remind you of your ex can help you forget them. Donate clothes your ex left behind, toss out any gifts they gave you, and cleanse your space. If your home is covered in stuff your ex gave you (or just left there), it’s going to keep them in the front of your mind. This can make it super difficult to move on.^{[9]
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- If you aren’t comfortable throwing meaningful gifts out, put them in a shoebox and stuff it under your bed for the future. Alternatively, you can ask a friend to store it for you.
- You can return to the shoebox when you’ve fully moved on and you can handle it.

8

Challenge the idea of a soulmate.

Changing the way you think about love can help you forget your ex. Consider the possibility that there are multiple people out there who may be right for you. If you can shift your perspective to shake this zero-sum kind of thinking, it can be a lot easier to let go of your old relationships.^{[10]
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- Love can absolutely be a choice. If you make an active decision to pursue something with someone, it’s you in control—not destiny.
- If you believe that relationships can be built through effort, mutual respect, and compromise, doesn’t that mean that relationships aren’t just “meant to be?” You’ve got to choose to maintain it, right?

9

Let go of expectations.

If you treat every date like a test, dating will become tedious. Let go of your checklists, soften that critical eye, and try to simply enjoy the people you date. Have. Try to be present and don’t put so much pressure on the relationship early on that you start criticizing every little thing.^{[11]
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- One way to do this is to choose date activities that are more fun than the often-stressful dinner date or coffee convo. Go bowling, shoot some pool, or invite your date to go ice skating. Pick fun things to do. You’ll be so distracted with the activity that you’ll forget to compare your ex to this new person.

10

Remind yourself that everyone is unique.

Stop comparing dates to one another and treat people as individuals. Give people a chance to prove themselves. Everyone has something going for them, and treating potential partners like they’re competing against one another is unfair. Try to curb these judgmental impulses. Often, just being mindful of the urge can help a ton.^{[12]
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- Try to remember that each date you go on is its own little journey. By isolating each date and treating them like one-time events, you’ll be less inclined to compare them to other dates.

11

Date a lot of people when you’re ready.

The variety will help you see there are tons of good partners out there. Aside from the fact that variety is the spice of life, you’re going to be more likely to run into someone who blows your ex way of out the water if you date around for a while! Once someone really knocks your socks off and you find yourself totally forgetting about your ex, you may be ready for a new relationship.^{[13]
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- Don’t settle! If you decide to lock yourself into a new committed relationship early on when you’re getting back out there, you may find your ex creeping back into your mind if your new partner isn’t the best match.

12

Consider talking to a mental health professional.

If thinking of your ex is making it difficult to build relationships, seek help. If you’re struggling to establish or maintain relationships, or it has been over a year and you’re still obsessing over your ex, reach out for help. It’s possible that you’re dealing with some unresolved issues, and you may be focusing on your ex because you’re uncomfortable with the present. It will be okay, but it’s best to reach out to a therapist if these thoughts are interfering with your life.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.}
- Don’t feel bad about getting help. A bad breakup is a perfectly normal and common reason for seeking therapy.

Expert Q&A

Question

What is the healthiest way to get over a break up?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Focus on yourself and your personal growth. That is the biggest, best way to move through the hurt and pain and into the growth and understanding of a break up. Going to therapy and reading personal growth books can be a big help with this.