How to Understand Guys Who Want Long Term Relationships

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Last Updated: June 24, 2022 References

If you've finally gotten into a long-term relationship with a guy, you want to do your best to make that relationship last. Yet sometimes, understanding guys who want these long term relationships can be really confusing. You're bound to make some mistakes along the way, but with a little commitment and an open mind, you'll understand your man. You'll give yourself a chance to enjoy lasting love when you know a few keys to the mind of your man.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Allen Wagner. Check out the full interview here.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Supporting Him

1
Partner with him to make decisions. No matter how much you feel that you shouldn't have to get the "OK" from your guy to do something or make decisions, it would be best to at least talk to him about it and ask him first. Men want to feel that they are doing things because they want their partners to be happy, not because they feel forced to do them. Use non-verbals like "the lip" and "big eyes" to persuade your man when words aren't working.
2
Make your man feel big and strong. He loves to play the role of "knight in shining armor." While you may feel strong and independent without his help, allowing him to feel that he is taking care of you and protecting you will make him happy. Appreciate chivalrous gestures, like when he opens the door for you or lets you enter a room first.

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3
Let him take initiative. You will have an easier time getting your man to do something if you convince him that doing it is his idea in the first place. Use subtle clues that will gently push him to make the right decisions.
- If you want him to fix your car, and you're tired of asking him directly, say something like, "I saw a broken-down car on the interstate today. You know, it makes me feel paranoid about mine."
- You can also say, "I'm starting to think that I need a new car. How long will we have to save money for a down payment?" He's a lot more likely to fix your car because he's either a) motivated to protect you or b) concerned about spending too much money.^{[1]
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4
Respect his independence.^{[2]
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Research source} Don't tell your friends (especially if he's standing right there) that you have him wrapped around your finger. Don't talk as though you can make him do anything or control him. The last thing your guy wants is to be emasculated in the eyes of your friends or family.
5
Avoid dwelling on past relationships. Don't constantly talk about your ex or compare your current man to your ex. Also, don't date a new man if you're not really over your ex. Your new guy doesn't deserve to be blamed for someone else's actions or held to someone else's standard. Comparing him to your ex will make him feel like less of a man, so don't do it.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Practicing Positive Communication

1
Interpret male emotions. Male emotions are a lot less complex than female emotions. They know what they want and what they don't want, and they scare easily. Guys do not normally discuss feelings and are rarely emotionally open unless they are extremely comfortable with you. In many societies, men avoid revealing their feelings so that they can feel as though they're in control.
2
Learn the meaning behind the words. Some men will come out and answer "yes" and "no" to your questions, but others won't. If you want them to do something, they may say "yes" when they don't want to. You should know him well enough to figure out whether he's saying "yes" just to please you or "yes" because it's something he wants to do. He won't be mad if you don't figure it out, but he may resent it and feel as though he's being controlled.
3
Keep your requests simple. For example, suppose that you are bringing in groceries while he's watching the game on TV. If you want help, say something like, "Do you want me to wait until the commercial to finish bringing stuff in?" or "Will you take a break and help me bring in these bags?" Don't launch into a long discussion about how he's not noticing that you need help or that it makes you feel neglected, how he's never attentive to your needs, etc., because he'll immediately tune you out. Keep it direct and simple, and you're more likely to get your way.
4
Avoid being critical or manipulative. Both constant criticism and manipulation are sure to drive him away.
- Listen to his ideas with respect, even if they differ from yours. Don't forget your Opinions either though. Make sure he listens to you as well as you do him and when you understand him and where he's coming from, then you can decide if you want to stay with him or look for another relationship.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.}
- If he has to change something major before you're going to want to spend life with him, then let him know how you feel and stick to your guns. He may want to change things like his job, his city, his religion or something else to make you happy at first. However, the change may not stick, and it could become a major problem down the road.
- Be ready to walk away from the relationship instead of asking him to be someone he's not. At the same time, be who you are, and don't change what you value just so that he'll accept you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Establishing Intimacy

1
Let him know his limits. Guys want to be told by their partner what they should and shouldn't do physically because they won't always be able to figure it out on their own. His feelings will not be hurt, and it's not going to ruin the moment for him. If anything, it will be a relief so he knows the boundaries. Don't be aggressive with your words or actions. Be kind and gentle unless he takes "Matters into his own hand." Skip the subtle signals and tell him exactly what's okay and what's not.
2
Accept his obsessions. Guys can have obsessions over their partners' eyes, hair, hands or other random body parts. If he likes it when you do something with your hair, do it a lot. If he loves your hands and he gives you a ring, wear it whenever you're with him. If he likes a more intimate part of your body, enjoy it. A lot of women would kill for the attention that he's paying to your body.
3
Be affectionate. Hold his hand with both your hands or wrap your arms around his. Put your hand on his face, run your fingers up and down his arm or hold his hand against your face or chest. It's okay to be affectionate with your man as long as you aren't being clingy. Affection is about devotion and love; clinging is about ownership. Follow his nonverbal signals to learn what he likes and doesn't like.^{[4]
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4
Use your touch to calm him. If your man has a bad day at work, then give him a shoulder rub while he tells you about it. Say something sympathetic about his day, and tell him that you love and appreciate him.
5
Enjoy your sexuality. Stereotypes say that all men want is sex, but the truth is that they want to please you as much as they want to enjoy themselves. When you let him know that you enjoy the way he touches you, you'll deliver a major ego boost for him. Again, communicate what you like and what you don't. When he delivers what you like, do the same for him in return.^{[5]
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Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Keeping Your Love Alive

1
Be grateful for the things he does. A guy likes to know that his partner feels grateful to be with him. He'll return the favor 100 times over. If you make him feel like he isn't good enough, he may feel insecure about your relationships other guys, or he may leave you. Guys don't like feeling inferior any more than girls do.^{[6]
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2
Take good care of him. Sure, he wants to take care of you, but you have to reciprocate. Learn the things that make him feel valued and loved. For instance, if he loves a home-cooked meal, and you enjoy cooking, then cook his favorite dishes to show him that you love him.^{[7]
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3
Show him that you appreciate him. Remember what it was like in the beginning, when you'd both do anything for each other. Keep that mindset, and treat him as someone who can't be lost. Just make sure that he's returning the favor and making you feel just as appreciated as you make him feel.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.}
4
Let him know that you will stick with him through anything. Tell him you will never leave his side. Never give him the "thin-ice" feeling to get your way. Don't threaten to end the relationship to get your way about something really insignificant. On the other hand, know what's a deal breaker and what's not so that you don't carry on a relationship that's not meeting your needs.
5
Give him your trust. When he says that he won't leave you no matter what, and his behavior matches his words, then trust him. Don't ask him constantly whether or not he loves you because you'll drive him nuts--and you may drive him away.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.}
6
Be prepared for a little territorial behavior. Guys tend to be territorial and jealous, particularly if their partners show any attention to other guys.
- Respect his feelings and avoid getting too emotionally or physically connected to other men. The last thing that you want is a man who doesn't feel secure in your love.
- Mystery is always good. Don't wear clothes that are too revealing when you're out in public. No matter how much he likes your curves, he hates it when you show them to others because he doesn't want anyone else looking at his lady. Look your best, but don't dress like a hooker. Save the revelations for the times when you're alone.
- Expect a little jealousy if you often take trips by yourself. Guys have seen too many movies where the girl meets someone new when she's away and runs off with him. Try to include him in as many trips as possible. When you get home from a solo excursion, make sure to let him know you're glad to be home.
7
Enjoy the things that you have in common. Your man wants to be included in the things that you do. At the same time, respect the things he likes to do that you aren't necessarily familiar with.
- If he loves to watch a sport, then learn something about the sport or try going to games with him. If you hate it, then you don't have to continue going. At the same time, you may discover that you'll enjoy yourself more than you thought.^{[10]
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  Expert Source
  
  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  Expert Interview. 6 March 2019.}
- Give him gifts based on his interests, not based on your interests. Doing this shows that you're into the things he cares about.
8
Know when to give him space. Men are afraid of losing their independence, and they still want to be able to hang out with their buddies while still loving you. While he may have to do less with his friends than he did when he was single, he still needs the chance to go out once in a while. Make sure that you also maintain friendships apart from the relationship so that you preserve your own identity.^{[11]
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Community Q&A

Question

What drives a man away?

Community Answer

Women who are needy, clingy, nosy, rude, self-centered, loud, etc. The most important thing is to have open, honest communication so that he feels like can come to you to voice any dissatisfaction he's feeling.
Question

Why does a guy ask if there's something I want to tell him? Does he want me to tell him something specific?

Community Answer

He's worried about you. Don't tell him you're fine; every man/boy knows that when you say, "I'm fine," you're not tell him how you really feel.
Question

If a guy is talking to me but says he doesn't want to rush things, does that mean he likes me?

Community Answer

It's possible! It's hard to say for sure; he might just want to have you as a close friend. I wouldn't get your hopes up, but don't lose hope entirely either. Just be patient and see how your relationship unfolds naturally.

Warnings

Always be truthful. If you want to have a healthy relationship, tell your man the truth. Sure, you can have a few secrets, but you want to make sure that you don't shut your man out of what's going on with you mentally or emotionally.

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Never try to make him jealous. He'll become less trusting of you and very angry at the other guy.

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Don't date guys you don't like. If you have a track record of having many relationships in a short amount of time, guys who are looking for a long-term relationship will avoid you. If you're not ready to settle down with a guy who is, don't waste his time. He deserves the chance to move on and find a better relationship.

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